Part 1 (1/2)
Diaries of Franz Kafka 1912
2 January As a result I let the awful clothes affect even my posture, walked around with , les, was afraid of liness which in my opinion was inevitable, which moreover could not have been an entirely truthful reflection, for had I actually looked like that, I certainly would have attracted even entle pokes in the back from my mother on Sunday walks and admonitions and prophecies which were much too abstract for eneral I lacked principally the ability to provide even in the slightest detail for the real future I thought only of things in the present and their present condition, not because of thoroughness or any special, strong interest, but rather, to the extent that weakness in thinking was not the cause, because of sorrow and fear-sorrow, because the present was so sad for ht I could not leave it before it resolved itself into happiness; fear, because, like htest action in the present, I also considered myself, in view ofa serious, responsible opinion of the great, manly future which usually seemed so impossible to me that every short step forward appeared to me to be counterfeit and the next step unattainable
I admitted the possibility of ress, but was too detached not to keep the sphere of ress sharply divided I was therefore able to spend a good deal of ti that some day, a rich man in a coach and four I would drive into the Jewish quarter, with abeaten unjustly, and carry her off in my coach; but untouched by this silly make-believe, which probably fed only on an already unhealthy sexuality, I remained convinced that I would not pass et on in the next class, and if by some swindle I could avoid even that then I would certainly fail decisively in raduation examination, convinced also that I would all at once-the precise moment did not matter-reveal some unheard-of inability and very definitely surprise my parents as well as the rest of the world, who had been lulled to sleep by ress Since I always looked only to uide into the future-only seldo the future never did rief If I chose to, I could of course walk erect, but it made me tired, nor could I see how a crooked back would hurt me in the future If I should have a future, then, I felt, everything will straighten itself out of its own accord I did not choose such a principle because it involved a confidence in a future in whose existence I did not believe, its purpose was only toeasier for me, to walk, to dress, to wash, to read, above all to coop myself up at home in a way that took the least effort and required the least spirit If I went beyond that I could think only of ridiculous solutions
Once it see without a black dress suit, especially as I also had to decide whether I would join a dancing class The tailor in Nusle was sent for and the cut of the suit discussed I was undecided, as I alas in such cases, they made me afraid that by a definite statement I would be swept away not only into an i even worse So at first I didn't want a dress suit, but when they sha out that I had no dress suit, I put up with having a tail coat discussed; but since I regarded a tail coat as a fearful revolution one could forever talk about but on which one could never decide, we agreed on a tuxedo, which, because of its similarity to the usual sack coat, seemed to me at least bearable But when I heard that the vest of the tuxedo had to be cut low and I would therefore have to wear a stiff shi+rt as well,like this had to be averted I did not want such a tuxedo, rather, if I had to have one, a tuxedo lined and trih The tailor had never heard of such a tuxedo, but he remarked that no matter what I intended to do with such a jacket, it couldn't be worn for dancing Good, then it couldn't be worn for dancing, I didn't want to dance anyhow, that hadn't been decided on yet in any case, on the contrary, I wanted the jacket made for me as I had described it
The tailor's stubbornness was increased by the fact that until now I had always subthe any opinions or wishes So there was nothing else for o with hi to a second-hand clothing store in the hich I had for quite sonized it as suitable for me But unfortunately it had already been removed from the , I could not see it inside the store even by looking o into the store just to look at the tuxedo, so we returned, disagreeing as before I felt as though the future tuxedo was already cursed by the uselessness of this errand, at least I used ument as an excuse to send the tailor aith some small order or other and an indefinite promise about the tuxedo while I, under the reproaches ofhappened to ant appearance, and dances The instantaneous cheerfulness that this induced in me made me miserable, and besides, I was afraid that I had made myself ridiculous before the tailor as none of his custoood deal in Die Neue Rundschau Beginning of the novel Der Nackte Mann [The Naked Man] The clarity of the whole a little too thin, sureness in the details Gabriel Schillings Flucht {Gabriel Schilling's Flight] by Hauptood
New Year's Eve I had planned to read to Max from the diaries in the afternoon, I looked forward to it, and it did not co pettiness and haste in him that afternoon, he was almost not my friend but nevertheless still doh his eyes I saw h the notebooks over and over again, and found this leafing back and forth, which continually showed the sa It was naturally iether in this e of Richard and Samuel that we finished ay, but otherwise bad New Year's Eve at Cada's Not so bad, because Weltsch, Kisch, and soh only within the liain found my way back to Max I then pressed his hand on the crowded Graben, though without looking at him, and with my three notebooks pressed to ht ho pot on the street in front of a building under construction
It is easy to recognize a concentration in anis to take, everything rushed in that direction and left empty all those abilities which were directed towards the joys of sex, eating, drinking, philosophical reflection, and above all music I atrophied in all these directions This was necessary because the totality of ht that only collectively could they even halfway serve the purpose ofNaturally, I did not find this purpose independently and consciously, it found itself, and is now interfered with only by the office, but that interferes with it completely In any case I shouldn't complain that I can't put up with a sweetheart, that I understand almost exactly as n myself to the most superficial efforts I may pick up, that on New Year's Eve I dined on parsnips and spinach, washed doith a glass of Ceres, and that on Sunday I was unable to take part in Max's lecture on his philosophical work-the compensation for all this is clear as day My development is now co left to sacrifice; I need only throork in the office out of this coress of e in a natural way
The sudden turn a conversation takes when in the discussion, which at first has dealt in detail orries of the inner existence, the question is raised (not really breaking the conversation off, but naturally not growing out of it, either) of when and where one will meet the next ti this And if the conversation also ends with a shaking of hands, then one takes one's leave with momentary faith in the pure, firm structure of our life and with respect for it
In an autobiography one cannot avoid writing ”often” where truth would require that ”once” be written For one always remains conscious that the word ”once”
explodes that darkness on which the ether spared by the word ”often,” either, it is at least preserved in the opinion of the writer, and he is carried across parts which perhaps never existed at all in his life but serve hiuess at
4 January It is only because of my vanity that I like so much to read to my sisters (so that today, for instance, it is already too late to write) Not that I anificant in the reading, it is only that I aood works I read that I h h the attentiveness ofread and is unresponsive to inessentials; and therefore too, under the concealment my vanity affords me, I can share as creator in the effect which the work alone has exercised That is why I really read admirably to my sisters and stress the accents with extreme exactness just as I feel them, because later I am abundantly rewarded not only by myself but also by my sisters
But if I read to Brod or Bau must appear horribly bad to everyone, even if they know nothing of the usual quality of ; for here I know that the listener is fully aware of the separation between e co ridiculous in my own opinion, an opinion which can expect no support fro read, try to force my way in here and there because they don't expect that much from me at all; but what they really want me to do, to read without vanity, calenuine passion deh I believe that I have resignedbadly to everyone except my sisters, my vanity, which this time has no justification, still shows itself: I feel offended if anyone finds fault with , I become flushed and want to read on quickly, just as I usually strive, once I have begun, to read on endlessly, out of an unconscious yearning that during the course of the long reading thereof integration hat I read which h at any one s on the clear vision of the listener and that at hoed-for substitution
5 January For two days I have noticed, whenever I choose to, an inner coolness and indifference Yesterday evening, during my walk, every little street sound, every eye turned towards me, every picture in a showcase, was more important to me than myself
Uniformity History
When it looks as if you had , when you have put on your house jacket and sat down after supper with a light on the table to the piece of work or the ga to bed, when the weather outside is unpleasant so that staying indoors see quietly at the table for so long that your departure er but surprise to everyone, when besides, the stairs are in darkness and the front door locked and in spite of all that you have started up in a sudden fit of restlessness, changed your jacket, abruptly dressed yourself for the street, explained that youactually gone out, banging the flat door ree of displeasure you think you have left behind you and so cut off the general discussion of your departure, and when you find yourself onceextra freely in answer to the unexpected liberty you have procured for them, when as a result of this decisive action you feel aroused within yourself all the potentialities of decisive action, when you recognize with reater than your need to accoes, that left alone you grow in understanding and cal you have so coot away from your family that the most distant journey could not take you farther and you have lived through what is for Europe so extreme an experience of solitude that one can only call it Russian All this is still heightened if at such a late hour in the evening you look up a friend to see how he is getting on
Invited Weltsch to co's benefit Loith his severe headaches that probably indicate a serious head ailainst a wall down in the street where he aiting for ainst his forehead I pointed him out to Weltsch who, froht it was the first time in my life that I had so easily observed from thean incident down in the street that concerned me so closely In and of itself, this kind of observation is familiar to[Vice-King] by Feimann My receptivity to the Jewishness in these plays deserts enerate into a wailing that prides itself on isolated, violent outbreaks When I saw the first plays it was possible for innings ofinin my own clumsy Judaism, instead, it moves farther away from me the more I hear of it The people re was giving a benefit and therefore sang several new songs andheld est reaction to every detail of her appearance, to her arers, to the tightly twisted curls at her temples, to her thin shi+rt, flat and innocent under her vest, to her lower lip that she pursed once while she savored the effect of a joke (”Look, I speak every language, but in Yiddish”), to her fat little feet in their thick white stockings But when she sang new songs yesterday she spoiled the main effect she had onherself who had discovered a few jokes and songs that revealed her te points to the ut is a success, and if we like to let this person affect us often, ill naturally-and in this, perhaps, all the audience agrees with me-not let ourselves be s, which are always the same, ill rather approve of it as an aid to concentration, like the darkening of the hall, for exanize in her that fearlessness and self-awareness which are exactly e are seeking So when the new songs ca since the old ones had done their duty so cos, without any justification at all, clais, and when they in this way distracted one's attention fro but at the same time showed that she herself was not at ease in the a failure of theestures, one had to become annoyed and was consoled only by the fact that thefrority, was too firht
7 January Unfortunately Mrs Tschissik always has parts which show only the essence of her character, she always plays woirls who all at once are unhappy, despised, dishonored, wronged, but who are not allowed time to develop their characters in a natural sequence The explosive, natural strength hich she plays these roles makes them climactic only when she acts them, in the play as it is written, because of the wealth of acting they require, these roles are only suggestions, but this shohat she would be capable of One of her i hips, which she holds sohter seems to have one hip completely stiff When the actors es in place
Recently, when I went up to Lowy's room with him so that he could read , wetheir costumes for Kol Nidre, wrapped in tissue paper like matzos, up to their roo supported ebut natural shapes It was my fault that the conversation threatened to end hopelessly, for in my effort hurriedly to express all my love and devotion I only re wretchedly, that their repertoire was exhausted, that they could therefore not reue Jews took in them was incomprehensible Monday I ht], although I already know the play Then I shall hear her sing the song (”Hear, O Israel”) which, she remembers from a remark I once made, I love especially
”Yeshi+vahs” are tales supported by reat because these schools are usually housed in old, unusable buildings in which, besides the rooms where the students study and sleep, is found the apartment of the Rosh Yeshi+vah, who also performs other services in the community, and of his assistant The students pay no tuition and take their meals in turn with the various h these schools are based on the most severely orthodox principles, it is precisely in the people froether here, precisely the poor, the energetic and those ant to get away from their ho people are entirely thrown upon one another, and since the most essential part of the instruction is coes; since the orthodoxy in the various home towns of the students is always the same and therefore not ressive tendencies take theto the varying circumstances of the towns, so that there is always a lot to talk about; since, furthermore, one person always lays hands on only one or another copy of the forbidden progressive literature, while in the Yeshi+vah ether fro effect because every possessor of a copy propagates not only the text but also his own zeal-because of all these reasons and their iressive writers, politicians, journalists, and scholars have co the orthodox has therefore deteriorated verypeople of advanced inclinations stream to them more than ever
One faht hours by train from Warsaw All Ostro is really only a bracket around a short stretch of the highway Lowy insists it's no longer than his stick Once, when a count stopped in Ostro with his four-horse travelling carriage, the two lead horses stood outside one end of the place and the rear of the carriage outside the other
Lowy decided, about the age of fourteen when the constraint of life at hoo to Ostro His father had just slapped hi and had casually told hi to discuss with hi but the usual reproaches, Loent directly fro a somewhat better caftan than usual because it was Saturday evening, and carrying all his money, which he always had with him He took the ten o'clock train to Ostro where he arrived at seven the next ht to the Yeshi+vah where he made no special stir, anyone can enter a Yeshi+vah, there are no special entrance require at this tiood caftan he earing But all this was soon settled too, because very young people such as these were, bound to each other by their Jewishness in a degree unknown to us, get to know each other easily He distinguished hiood deal of knowledge at hoe boys, especially as, when they found out about his s One, anted to sell him ”days,” astonished him especially Free board was called ”days” They were a saleable commodity because the me to God by providing free board for no matter what student, did not care who sat at their tables
If a student was unusually clever, it was possible for him to provide himself with two sets of free meals for one day He could bear up under these double meals so much the better because they were not very ample, after the first reat pleasure, and because it ht also happen that one day was doubly provided for while other days were empty Nevertheless, everyone was happy, naturally, if he found an opportunity to sell such an additional set of free eously Now if someone arrived in su since been distributed, the only possible way to get any was to buy it, as the additional sets of free meals which had been available at first had all been reserved by speculators
The night in the Yeshi+vah was unbearable Of course, all the ere open since it arm, but the stench and the heat would not stir out of the rooms, the students, who had no real beds, lay down to sleep without undressing, in their sweaty clothes, wherever they happened to be sitting last Everything was full of fleas In theeveryone hurriedly wet his hands and face ater and resuether, usually two from one book
Debates would often draw a number into a circle The Rosh Yeshi+vah explained only the h Lowy later-he stayed in Ostro ten days, but slept and ate at the inn-found two like-minded friends (they didn't find one another so easily, because they always first had carefully to test the opinions and reliability of the other person), he nevertheless was very glad to return home because he was accustomed to an orderly life and couldn't stand the hoe roo and later the usual conversation which Father carries on when he is well, as he is today, loudly if not coherently
The words represented only sirls' room, the door of which ide open I slept across the way, in e, was closed Besides, the open door indicated that they still wanted to lure Felix into the family while I was already excluded
Yesterday at Baum's Strobl was supposed to be there, but was at the theater Bau”; bad Then a chapter froood I was indifferent, in a bad ot no clear impression of the whole On the way home in the rain Max told me the present plan of ”Irives it proper recognition I therefore had to be insincere, which finally spoiled everything for me I was so sorry for myself that I preferred to speak to Max when his face was in the dark, although ht, could then betray itself ripped me in spite of all the obstacles On the way horet because of my falsity and pain because of its inevitability
Plan to start a special notebook on my relationshi+p with Max What is not written doims before one's eyes and optical accidents determine the total i in the room on either side of ave s who could not be appeased, who did not knohat they were saying and spoke only in order to set the air inand followed the spoken words with their eyes
So passes my rainy, quiet Sunday, I sit inup , into which I could have pouredat ers for quite a while This week I think I have been completely influenced by Goethe, have really exhausted the strength of this influence and have therefore beco a storm at sea: ”The souls flutter, the bodies tremble” When he recites, Lowy clenches the skin on his forehead and the bridge of his nose the way one would think only hands could be clenched At thehome to the listener, he hies hi his appearance more distinct He steps forward only a little, opens his eyes wide, plucks at his straight black coat with his absent-e And we are supposed, even if we are not gripped, to acknowledge that he is gripped and to explain to him how the misfortune which has been described was possible
I am supposed to pose in the nude for the artist Ascher, as a model for a St Sebastian
If I should now, in the evening, return tothat I could enjoy, not appear stranger, more despicable, more useless to thes (which cannot be deceived even by the most precise observation), for actually they all respect me and lovereasons have not written for so long: I was angry with ood letter; was in the factory several tireedily, Pines's L'Histoire de la litterature Judeo-Allees, with such thoroughness, haste, and joy as I have never yet shown in the case of sianisanism]; finally I spent a lot of time with the Jewish actors, wrote letters for them, prevailed on the Zionist society to inquire of the Zionist societies of Boheuest appearances of the troupe; I wrote the circular that was required and had it reproduced; saw Sulamith once more and Richter's Herzele Mejiches for the first ti of the Bar Kokhba Society, and day before yesterday saw Graf von Gleichen [Count of Equals] by Sch: Dr Nathan Birnbau ”entlemen” or just ”inning of Birnbau ridiculous But from what I know of Lowy I think that these recurrent expressions, which are frequently found in ordinary Yiddish conversations too, such as ”Weh ist mir!” or ”S'ist nischt,” or ”S'ist viel zu reden,” are not intended to cover up es, to stir up the sluggish streah for the Jewish temperament
26 January The back of Mr Weltsch and the silence of the entire hall while listening to the bad poeish, is cut off abruptly at his neck, which is very erect either in itself or because of its sudden nudity Large, crooked nose, not too narrow and yet with broad sides, which looks handsoe beard-Gollanin, the singer Peaceful, sweetish, beatific patronizing face turned to the side and down, prolonged smile somewhat sharpened by his wrinkled nose, whichtechnique
Pines: Histoire de la Ltterature Judeo-Alle: They cut off our beards and earlocks And they forbid us to keep the Sabbath and holy daysOr: At the age of five I entered the ”Hede” and now I must ride a horseWos mir seinen, seinen mir Ober juden seinen mir
[What we are, we are, But Jee are]Haskalah [Jewish Enlighten of the nineteenth century, adherents are called Maskilim, are opposed to the popular Yiddish, tend towards Hebrew and the European sciences Before the pogroly Zionist Principle formulated by Gordon: ”Be a man on the street and a Jew at home” To spread its ideas the Haskalah must use Yiddish and, much as it hates the latter, lays the foundation of its literatureOther aims are ”la lutte contre le chassidisme, I'exaltation de l'instruction et des travaux ainst Hasidism, the exaltation of education andhtLe Roman populaire [The Popular Novel]: Eisik Meir dick (1808-94) instructive, haskalic Schomer, still worse, title, for example, Der podriatechik (l'entrepreneur), ein hochst interessanter Roman [The Podriatist (the entrepreneur), an extreer fach fun leben, or Die eiserne Frau oder das verkaufte Kind Ein wunder-schoner Roman [The Iron Lady or the Sold Child, a very beautiful novel] Further, in A Maneaters] , twenty-six volumesS J Abraaiety, confused arrange the lipsEnd of Haskalah 1881 New nationalis, lyric writer, life in the country by all neur dans sa chae
Mais plus delicieux encore est le repos dans le champ sur du foin frais a l'heure du soir, apres le travail [Delicious is the lord's sleep in his room On soft pillohite like the snow But yet more delicious is the repose in the field on fresh hay at sunset, after work]Talmud: He who interrupts his study to say, ”How beautiful is this tree,” deserves deathLamentations at the all of the Temple Poem: ”La Fille du Shammes” The beloved rabbi is on his deathbed The burial of a shroud the size of the rabbi and other ht the elders of the congregation go from house to house with a list and collect froation renunciations of days or weeks of their lives in favor of the rabbi Deborah, la Fille du Shaives ”the rest of her life” She dies, the rabbi recovers
At night, when he is studying alone in the synagogue, he hears the voice of Deborah's whole aborted life The singing at her wedding, her screa the Torah, the s of lamentation sound over her corpse the rabbi, too, diesPeretz: bad Heine lyrics and social poems Ne 1851 Rosenfeld: The poor Yiddish public took up a collection to assure him of a livelihoodS Rabinowitz (Sholoreat jubilee celebrations in Yiddish literature Kasrilevke, Menacherated and took his entire fortune with hiins to speculate in the stockcity, comes to a new decision every day and always reports it to his ith great self-satisfaction; until finally he ure of the batlan frequent in the ghettos, lazy and grown clever through idling, lives in the circle of the pious and learned Manypeople who, although they enjoy idleness, also waste away in it, live in dreams, under the domination of the unrestrained force of unappeased desiresMitat neshi+ka, death by a kiss: reserved only for the most piousBaal Shem: Before he becaetable gardener, later he was his brother-in-law's coachman His visions came to him on lonely walks Zohar, ”Bible of the Kabbalists”Jewish theater Frankfurt Purim play, 1708 Ein schon neu Achashverosh-spiel, Abraham and Goldfaden, 1876-7 Russo-Turkish War, Russian and Galician arathered in Bucharest, Goldfaden had also co, heard the crowds in the stores singing Yiddish songs and was encouraged to found a theater He was not yet able to put woe Yiddish perforan in London and New York 1884J Gordin 1897 in a jubilee publication of the Jewish theater in New York: ”The Yiddish theater has an audience of hundreds of thousands, but it cannot expect to see a writer of great talent e as the majority of its authors are people like me who have become dramatic authors only by chance, rite plays only by force of circunorance, envy, en Weltsch brings me books about Goethe that provoke in me a distracted excitement that can be put to no use Plan for an essay, ”Goethe's Frightening Nature,” fear of the two hours' hich I have now begun to take in the evening
4 February Three days ago Wedekind: Erdgeist [Earth Spirit] Wedekind and his wife, Tilly, act in it Clear, precise voice of the wo branching off to the left when she stood quietly The play clear even in retrospect, so that one goes home peaceful and aware of oneself Contradictory ihly well established and yet ree
On my way to the theater I felt well I savored h it were honey Drank it in an uninterrupted draught In the theater this passed away at once Orpheus in the Underworld with Pallenberg The perforhter around reat, that I could think of no way out but to run away after the second act and so silence it all
Day before yesterday wrote a good letter to Trautenau about a guest appearance for Lowy Each fresh reading of the letter calthenedgood inevery part of me, hich I read about Goethe (Goethe's conversations, student days, hours with Goethe, a visit of Goethe's to Frankfurt) and which keeps