Part 16 (1/2)

”Now, I need to know, baby.”

Mia attempted to pull me into her embrace as she placed my hand between her open legs. She was moist. I pulled away even though my d.i.c.k was standing at full alert.

”Mia, we aren't going to do anything until I hear you say that you want me to make love to you.”

”Don't make me beg, Brice,” she said playfully with her eyes at half-mast. ”You know.”

”No, I don't. That's why I'm asking. I'm not kidding, Mia. I need to know that you want this, too. As much as I do,” I said in a serious tone. ”Tell me.”

Mia hesitated for a few seconds, looking back down at her hands as if the answer were there. Then she looked back at me with confidence.

”Brice, I need to feel you inside me. Please make love to me so that I can sleep soundly tonight and know that I didn't imagine the other night. I need to know that this was all worth it.”

With that, we retreated back into our little world where no one got hurt, to where there were no worries or regrets, to where we loved each other endlessly. However, as we would soon learn, that world existed only in our imaginations.

Mia Brice is like a drug, and I'm addicted! A straight-up drug addict. I've had withdrawal symptoms for five years. I know what we've done-three times now-is totally wrong. I can't seem to stop myself; when Brice looks at me or touches me, I lose all control. My brain turns to mush. My body and heart betray me. I crave him, feen for him! I love Christian with everything I have and I know he doesn't deserve this. Yet I can't stop. I'm caught up.

I knew this reunion with Brice was a serious mistake. In the back of my mind, I knew I still loved him. Does that make me sick? I mean, the man used to beat the s.h.i.+t out of me. Yet he could make the best love to me, could have me begging for more, and still can. But even with the beatings, I knew he still loved me. I don't know; Brice and I were like oil and water. He loved me so much, but that love brought out the worst in him. His love came out in ugly ways: jealousy, possessiveness and control.

Five years later, Brice still has this control over my mind and body. When I'm with him, I can't think straight; he suffocates me, makes me high and makes me do crazy s.h.i.+t. Christian has been off the past few evenings. In fact, he has made sure he has the evenings off-just to please me. Yet I'm so confused that all I do is sleep. When I'm troubled, I sleep my life away. And Christian knows that. He knows something is very wrong. He just doesn't know what. Thank G.o.d.

I feel so guilty, so unworthy of Christian's love. Always have. Yet, when I think of Brice, my body trembles when it remembers-remembers his touch, his smell, his voice. I haven't made love to Christian since I've been with Brice. I'm afraid that I'll call out Brice's name in the heat of pa.s.sion or that my body won't respond. There's no way in h.e.l.l that I can let Christian find out about this. It would kill him, and he would hate me. I couldn't live with him hating me. That would kill me.

If I'm really honest with myself, I'll admit that I've always felt unworthy of Christian's love, that he is too good for me. I came to him as damaged goods. Brice had done such a number on me that it was a wonder that I could love again. But I did. I love Christian so much. That's why I can't understand what's happening. So I sleep and keep everything inside.

I can't tell Sharon about this. What would she think of me? I've told her too many times how much I hate and despise Brice. No, Sharon wouldn't understand my spreading my legs for him. Mama is out of the question. I mean, you can't tell your mama that you're s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the man who almost ruined your life. So now I sleep to hide from my emotions, from Christian and from myself.

Mama always says, ”what's done in darkness comes to light.” She has tons of these sayings that she quotes all the time. I've heard that one millions of times. Well, it didn't take long for the light to s.h.i.+ne brightly. Christian found out the awful truth about me and Brice.

It was three and a half weeks after the affair had started. Christian came home from work earlier than usual one evening. Lyric was staying the night at Mama's house. She had been spending a lot of time over there lately. I was sleeping as usual; I hadn't even bothered to change out of my PJs.

Christian found me in the bedroom, lights off, in bed with the covers pulled up over my head.

”Mia, get up! We need to talk,” he said in a demanding tone, yanking the covers back and shaking me by the shoulders.

Even in my sleepiness, I immediately knew that something was up. Christian didn't talk to me like that.

”Okay, okay. What's up?” I asked, wiping the sleep from my eyes and leaning back on my elbows.

”You tell me, Mia. What's up? Why all the sleeping? You don't want me to touch you. Why aren't you dressed? What's the deal?” There was urgency in his voice.

”I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't been feeling well lately. That's all.” I looked down.

”Like h.e.l.l! Don't lie to me, Mia,” he screamed in my face.

Now I was wide-awake. I didn't say anything. I just cringed back against the st.u.r.dy bedpost.

”I've talked to our neighbors, the Petersons. I know Brice was over here three weeks ago. They described him perfectly. I also received an interesting phone call from Kree,” he yelled, pacing back and forth from the bed to the mahogany dresser.

”What are you trying to say?” I asked in a tiny whisper.

”I'm not trying to say anything. I'm stating facts. You tell me, Mia! I'm going to ask you this just one time, and I want the d.a.m.n truth!”

I quickly closed my eyes and said a prayer. I knew my life was going to end with his next question.

”Do you hear me, Mia? I want the truth. Are you capable of the truth?” he barked, taking me out of my reverie.

”Yes, I heard you.” My eyes began to water, and big tears slid down my face and bounced off my cheeks.

”Did you sleep with Brice?” His voice cracked with emotion.

I couldn't look at him or answer the question. I dropped my head and wiped away tears from my eyes.

”Silence is golden. I guess that answers my question. Huh?” There was so much hurt and anger in his tone.

”I can't believe you'd do that to me, to us.” He held his head in his hands and sat down on the edge of our bed.

I started sobbing uncontrollably.

”Don't cry now, Mia! Were you crying when Brice was f.u.c.king you? I want to hear you say it. Tell me that you let him f.u.c.k you. Say it!” He lunged in my direction.

I jumped back on my knees and pushed myself against the bedpost. For the first time ever, I was afraid of Christian.

”Say it!”

”Yes, I slept with Brice. Is that what you wanna hear? I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't . . .” I sobbed.

”Yeah, you are sorry. A sorry b.i.t.c.h!”

”Christian, please don't hate me. I made a mistake . . .”

”You know what? You are so pathetic, Mia. You make me sick to my stomach. You literally make me want to puke. You let Brice screw you after all that s.h.i.+t he put you through!” he screamed.

Again, I jumped back in fear. Christian was breathing fire and spewing venom.

”Dammit, Mia. As much as I want to, I'm not going to hit you. That's your problem. All these years, you've waited for the moment when I'd hit you. You've never totally trusted me or given me all your love. You held back a part of yourself, and I didn't care. I settled for what you could give me, for what you were capable of giving.”

Silence. Heavy sobs.

”I'm not Brice. All men aren't like him. My love doesn't come with pain. Understand I'd never put my hands on you. I love-correction, loved-you too much for that,” he said, near tears as he moved toward our dresser again.

”What are you doing?” I screamed, realizing he was taking out clothes.

”What do you think? What does it look like? I'm getting the h.e.l.l out of here. I can't stand to see your f.u.c.king face.” He pulled out an overnight bag from under the bed and started packing underwear, socks and a few s.h.i.+rts and pants.

I tried to put Christian's clothes back, but he pushed me away. My sobbing continued, and snot ran from my nose.