Part 17 (1/2)

”Then who is?”

I'd managed for months not to have this discussion, this specifically, with anyone. Of course, it would be Richard who pushed it. ”Micah, okay? Micah.”

”Is that why you love him?”

”Jesus, no, Richard, you should know better than most that a really big c.o.c.k is not enough to win my heart.” ”Then why him? Why are you living with him and not me?” I sighed. We weren't going to have s.e.x. We were going to have therapy. Sweet Mary, Mother of G.o.d, I did not want to do this. ”Don't do this, not now, not today.” ”I need to understand what went wrong before I can move on, Anita. I'm sorry, but I do.”

I shook my head and tried to settle into the water, but it wasn't soothing anymore. It was just wet. ”Fine. Do remember, I'm living with Nathaniel, too. You always seem to forget him, or discount him.”

”He's not dominant, Anita. In the world of wereanimals that makes him discountable.”

”But in the world of my affections, Richard, he is not discountable.”

”I don't understand.”

”I know you don't, and I'm sorry you don't, but it's still the truth. I'm living with Micah and Nathaniel, not just Micah. The fact that Nathaniel isn't a dominant doesn't make me love him less.” ”How can you sit there, like this, and tell me you love someone else? Don't you know how much that hurts me?”

”You wanted this talk, not me. I wanted to make love. I wanted to clean up, feed the ardeur, and be together, but you had to get all hung up on the size of everyone's equipment. I know it's a guy thing to worry about that, but this wasn't the time to bring it up.”

”You're right, it was stupid, but I'm stupid around you, Anita. You make me say things, do things, that I know are bad for the relations.h.i.+p.”

”I don't make you do anything. You choose to say and do things that spoil stuff. Your choice, not mine.”

”Fine, you're right. I choose to say and do this s.h.i.+t. I could have let it go and we'd be having s.e.x right now, and it would be great s.e.x. But I really do want to know what Micah has that I don't. What magic does he have that made you move him into your house, live with him, when you wouldn't do it for me?”

G.o.d, we were going to do the big fight. The fight I did not want to do this, ever, but I especially didn't want to do this with the Harlequin in town, and heaven knew what nasty surprises headed our way. ”Jean-Claude explained to you that it was partly vampire powers that drew Micah and me together.”

”You're a succubus, a vampire that feeds on s.e.x; yeah, he told me.”

I saw something on his face. ”You don't believe him.”

”I don't believe it's permanent. I think if you could get enough s.p.a.ce between yourself and Jean-Claude's power, it would go away.” ”Richard, this isn't Jean-Claude's power anymore; it's mine.” He shook his head, his arms crossing over that lovely chest. ”You aren't a vampire, Anita. You can't have vampire powers. They're still part of the triumvirate we have with Jean-Claude.”

”Richard, this is real. You can't wish it away.”

”What, that you're some kind of s.e.x-crazed demon? I don't believe that. It's more of Jean-Claude's power, or Belle Morte's, or even Marmee Noir. Jesus, Anita, you have had so many vampires running through your mind, you don't know what is you and what is them any more.”

There was some truth to what he was saying, but . . . ”Richard, I have forged a triumvirate of power with Nathaniel and Damian. That's me, not Jean-Claude. That's real.”

He shook his head again. ”There's got to be a way to undo it.”

I just stared at him. This was not the talk I thought we'd be having. ”Richard, I am a succubus, me, not Jean-Claude, not Belle Morte, not Mommie Dark, me.”

”Humans can't be succubi.”

”Maybe not, but then humans can't have a vampire servant or an animal to call, and I have both of those.”

”Because you're Jean-Claude's human servant.” ”Richard, you saw what happened when I tried to undo that connection. I would have died and taken Nathaniel and Damian with me.”

He settled back into the water, giving me angry eyes. ”Jean-Claude told me the theory. That your version of the ardeur helps you see the deepest desire in someone's heart and grant it, and make them into what you most need. Micah needed his people safe; you killed Chimera for him. You needed what from Micah?”

”A helpmate, a partner, someone to help me run the furry coalition, and help me run the wereleopards that I'd inherited when I killed their old master.”

”I could have been your partner,” he said.

”You didn't want to be my partner. You want your own life, not to be just an adjunct to mine.” ”What does that mean? That I won't give up my job for you?” ”That I needed someone to do the coalition full time, and you have your career.”

”That can't be all Micah is to you.”

”He's there for me, Richard. He's there for me and the people I love. He doesn't fight me all the time. He says yes more than he says no.” ”And I just say no.” ”Sometimes.” ”Nathaniel needed to belong to someone; now he belongs to you. I get that. But what did he do for you?”

”I needed a wife,” I said.

”What?”

”I needed a 1950s wife to make my life run smooth. I needed some one to be my wife, and he's really good at it.” ”And I want you to be my wife, is that it?” ”Something like that, yeah.” ”Why didn't your ardeur look into my heart and see what I most needed, and make us into the perfect couple, too?”

”I thought Jean-Claude explained all this to you.”

”I asked him why not me, and he said the power was unpredictable. But that wasn't the truth, was it?” ”Not all of it,” I said, and cursed my vampire lover for being a chickens.h.i.+t. ”Tell me all of it,” Richard said.

”Micah knew what he wanted: his people safe at any cost. He said from the moment he came to me that he'd do anything, be anything, to be in my life. The ardeur made that happen for him. Nathaniel wanted a home and to be loved for himself, not just for s.e.x, and the ardeur made that happen. Both of those desires are very clear. Do you know what you want most, Richard? Do you have one single heart's desire?”

”I want you.”

I shook my head. ”That's not your deepest darkest wish, Richard.”

”I should know what my deepest wish is, Anita.”

”Richard, if a genie appeared before you right now, what would you wish? Really, truly, if you could have anything, what would it be?” ”You.” ”Liar,” I said.

He sat up, and that otherworldly energy swirled through the room. ”How dare you?” ”Richard, be honest with yourself. What would you have if you could have anything, no matter how impossible?” He blinked at me, and the energy level in the room seeped away. He stared at me. ”I don't want to be a werewolf.”

”That's your deepest wish, Richard, and the ardeur can't give you that. I can't be that for you, so the ardeur doesn't work between you and me, because what you want most doesn't have anything to do with s.e.x and love.”

He stared at me and sat back in the water, almost like he was faint. ”Oh, my, G.o.d.” He whispered it. ”We thought at first you were just too conflicted for the ardeur to pick and choose, but I was the one who figured it out.” ”You're right,” he said. A look of soft horror covered his face. He looked at me, and such pain filled his eyes. ”I did this to myself.”

I shrugged.

”I was so afraid I'd become a monster that I took the inoculations against lycanthropy. That's how I caught it.” ”I know,” I said softly. ”And I lost you because I hate what I am more than I want you.” ”You haven't lost me, Richard.” He looked at me, and I had to fight to keep meeting that look.

”You'll never be just mine. We'll never have a life together.”

”We can be part of each other's lives, Richard.”

”Not in the way I want.”