Part 42 (2/2)

Mr Green clapped his hands. *Why, you will be putting your guardian out of work. I...'

*Perhaps you could tell me why you are taking up my time,' Sidney Grice broke in and our visitor's smile vanished.

*It is a bad business Mr Grice,' he said as Molly came coughing in with the tea.

4.

The Society of Fools *A very bad business,' Mr Green said when Molly had gone. *Have you ever heard of final death societies, Mr Grice?'

*I have three such societies in my files,' Sidney Grice said, *and in all of them some of the members were murdered or died in extremely dubious circ.u.mstances but, as I was not called upon to a.s.sist in any of the cases, they remain unsolved.'

I poured three cups of tea and asked, *What exactly is a final death society?'

*It is an a.s.sociation of fools,' my guardian said, *with large estates and microscopic traces of common sense.'

Our caller straightened indignantly. *Let me describe it in less emotional terms,' he began but it was Sidney Grice's turn to bridle.

*The whole world knows I have no emotions,' he said, *other than my twin loves a of possessions and the truth.'

*Milk and sugar?' I asked and Mr Green nodded.

*The societies are groups of men,' he explained, *though in our case we have two lady members a who either have no heirs or have heirs that they do not care for. They make wills for a sum of money usually based upon the total a.s.sets of the poorest member, all of them being independently audited. These testaments are put into the hands of a mutually employed solicitor who will collect and manage their estates as they die and release the total funds to the final surviving member. For he takes a twenty per cent share of any increase in the value of the fund. The...'

*In other words,' Sidney Grice broke in, *all the members have a vested interest in ensuring the prior demise of their fellows.'

*Which is why I am approaching you.' Horatio Green raised his teacup carefully with both hands. *You see seven of us formed the club and we all lodged a promise of eleven thousand pounds each into the fund, the surviving member to receive the grand sum of seventy thousand pounds plus any interest that has accrued in the meantime.'

*And who gets the remaining seven thousand pounds?' my guardian enquired.

*Why you do, Mr Grice,' our visitor said.

Sidney Grice checked his watch. *Explain.'

Mr Green sipped his tea. *We are not so reckless as you suppose Mr Grice. Firstly we allowed only those of the highest character to join our society and secondly we hit upon the stratagem of investigating the death of every member no matter how natural their pa.s.sing may seem. For this we agreed to engage the skills of the finest independent detective in the empire.'

*Then you have come to the right address,' my guardian said.

*However,' Mr Green continued, *Mr Cochran was unwilling to take up the challenge and so I have come to you.'

Sidney Grice shot a hand to his eye. *Am I a pigeon to peck at that vain imposter's crumbs?'

Mr Green put down his cup and chuckled. *Got you there, Mr Grice. You see you are not the only one who can be rude. You are, of course, our first and only choice.'

*I still consider it a great impertinence that I was not approached before now.' My guardian eyed him icily and considered the matter. *If I accept your brief Mr Green...' a He tapped his watch and edged the minute hand forwards a *it will only be because the prospect of investigating your death will bring me boundless joy. Let us hope I shall not have to wait too long.'

Mr Green put his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets and drummed his fingers.

*Well, come what may,' he said. *I shall not be the first. We have only been const.i.tuted for a week and we have already lost one member.'

*I am so deeply sorry,' my guardian said.

*Well thank you but...'

*That I ever employed that useless lumpen serving wench,' Sidney Grice continued. *This tea is as weak as a Frenchman and why is she creeping about in the hall?'

*I cannot hear her,' I said.

Mr Green c.o.c.ked his head. *Nor I.'

*Dull minds have dull senses,' my guardian told us and tugged the bell rope sharply twice. *I suppose I had better take the details.'

*His name was Edwin Slab,' Mr Green began but my guardian raised a hand to silence him.

*You will provide the information as and when I ask for it. Now...' He took a small red leather-bound notebook from the table by his chair and his silver-plated Mordan Mechanical pencil from his inside coat pocket. *What is the name of your ridiculous society?'

*We called it the Last Death Club.'

*Ingenious,' Sidney Grice murmured. *And who are the other members?'

*I have made out a list with all our member's names, addresses, occupations and ages.' Mr Green proffered a folded piece of paper but Sidney Grice sat back, closed his eyes and said, *Read it to me. Just the names and ages for now.'

Our visitor unfolded the sheet, hooked a pair of horn-rimmed spectacles over his ears and began, *Edwin Slab aged eighty one.'

My guardian raised his eyebrow. *An unlikely winner then.' But Mr Green demurred.

*We tried to organise our club so that all members had similar life expectancies. The Slabs have a long history of centenarians and until yesterday Edwin Slab was in perfect health.'

*You were friends?'

*The best of. I introduced him to the society.'

*So how did Mr Slab end up on one?'

There was a clatter and Sidney Grice spun around. *Filthy footling tykes,' he said. *Why have those street urchins nothing better to do than throw stones at my windows? There is no shortage of blocked drains they could be sent down.'

*And no shortage of rats and disease to attack them there,' I said but my guardian was unmoved.

*No harm done this time,' Mr Green observed. *You should have seen what they did to my pharmacy last night. I was just about to shut up shop when a group of boys burst in and started throwing stock off the shelves. I tried to stop them and got knocked over for my troubles. If a vicar had not turned up with his daughter and frightened them away, I dread to think what they would have done.'

*Did they steal anything?' I asked.

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