Part 34 (1/2)

”But if you have to obey me, then if I asked, you couldn't refuse me, could you?”

He frowned, thinking about it. ”I think I'd let you do anything you wanted to me, but I'd rather not. That was so much power and it felt so good when you shared, but I wouldn't want to be the wereanimal you were sucking energy off of.”

”Is that where all that energy came from?” Dino asked.

The three of us nodded.

”It was more powerful than the ardeur ardeur when you share that,” Stephen said. when you share that,” Stephen said.

”I wasn't feeding off their s.e.x. I was feeding off their lives, their energy. It's more power because I'm taking more away, I think.”

”Did they understand what they were volunteering for?” Nicky asked.

”They offered it to save their Ulfric,” Nathaniel said.

”They're his Skoll and Hati; they're supposed to be willing to give their lives for their Ulfric,” Stephen said.

”After seeing the looks on their faces afterward, I don't think they'll want me to feed from them again.”

”They were scared of you,” Nicky said.

I nodded. ”My allies shouldn't be afraid of me.”

”It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do,” Dino said. ”I'm butchering the quote, but I like what it says.”

We all looked at him, and we must have looked surprised because he said, ”Hey, I read.”

”I didn't know you read Machiavelli,” I said.

”He was an interesting guy,” Dino said.

”That's one way of putting it. But honestly, Dino, even though I do it myself, I worry that when you start quoting Machiavelli to justify your actions, you have ceased to be one of the good guys.”

”No, quoting Nietzsche does that. Machiavelli is just cool.”

Nathaniel said, ”Just go meet the weretigers, Anita, no strings, no expectations. Just meet them and we'll go from there.”

”Sounds fair,” I said.

”But . . . ,” he said, smiling.

I shrugged. ”Let's do this.”

”You're feeling all monster because you killed Haven,” Dino said.

”I hadn't thought that, exactly.”

”Yeah, you had,” he said, and that big, dark face had way too much going on in the eyes. He was so big and so much muscle that sometimes you forgot that there was a good mind in all that heavy packaging.

”It's not that I killed Haven. It's that I was able to look him dead in the eyes, the same eyes that I'd looked at during s.e.x, and I looked into those eyes and pulled the trigger. I stared him in the eyes and turned his brains to mush. How could I do that? How could anyone do that and not be a monster?”

Nathaniel put his arms around me, and I let him. I held on, because I believed what I'd said.

”I would say, I could have done it, but we all know without your control I'm a sociopath,” Nicky said, ”so that isn't comforting.”

”If it was a woman I might hesitate,” Dino said, ”but if she had a gun I could do it.”

”Don't look at us,” Gregory said. ”Guns are not our thing.”

Stephen just nodded.

”I couldn't kill someone I loved,” Nathaniel said, ”but I'd kill to protect someone I loved, and that's what you did, Anita.” He kissed my forehead and put his hands on my face, sliding his fingers into my hair so he could make me look at him. ”You protected me.”

”There were guards all over the place, from what I hear,” Dino said, ”and any of them would have done it for you. It wouldn't have cost them this kind of pain.”

I turned from Nathaniel, his hands still in my hair, so I could see Dino. ”That's why it had to be me. It was supposed to matter. It was supposed to hurt.”

”You were raised Catholic, right?” Dino asked.

”Yeah, why?”

He shook his head. ”Nothing. One more quote, and this is Nietzsche: 'Is it better to outmonster the monster or to be quietly devoured?'

”What?” I asked.

”You heard the question, now answer it,” he said.

I took a deep breath in and let it out slow, laying my head against Nathaniel's chest with his hands still cradling my head. I hugged him once and then pushed away so I was standing on my own. ”I won't be quietly devoured.”

”So you vote monster,” he said.

I thought about it. ”If there are only two choices, yeah.”

”Me, too,” he said.

”Me, three,” Nathaniel said.

We went around the room and everyone voted to be a monster. ”Haven picked on Travis and Noel because they let him devour them slowly,” Dino said.

”They weren't good enough monsters,” Nicky said.

”Travis is still alive; don't talk about him in past tense,” I said.

”If he wants to stay that way, he needs to get better at fighting back,” Dino said.

”Can I order him to start going to the training sessions?” I asked.