Part 8 (1/2)
Madam,
If I have delay'd the sequel of my history, it has been purely to allow myself a little breathing time not without some hopes that, instead of pressing me to a continuation, you would have acquitted me of the task of pursuing a con- fession, in the course of which my self-esteem has so many wounds to sustain.
I imagined, indeed, that you would have been cloy'd and tired with uniformity of adventures and expressions, insep- arable from a subject of this sort, whose bottom, or ground- work being, in the nature of things, eternally one and the same, whatever variety of forms and modes the situations are susceptible of, there is no escaping a repet.i.tion of near the same images, the same figures, the same expressions, with this further inconvenience added to the disgust it cre- ates, that the words JOYS, ARDOURS, TRANSPORTS, EXTASIES, and the rest of those pathetic terms so congenial to, so received in the PRACTICE OF PLEASURE, flatten and lose much of their due spirit and energy by the frequency they indis- pensably recur with, in a narrative of which that PRACTICE professedly composes the whole basis. I must therefore trust to the candour of your judgement, for your allowing for the disadvantage I am necessarily under in that respect, and to your imagination and sensibility, the pleasing task of repairing it by their supplements, where my descriptions flag or fail: the one will readily place the pictures I present before your eyes; the other give life to the colours where they are dull, or worn with too frequent handling.
What you say besides, by way of encouragement, con- cerning the extreme difficulty of continuing so long in one strain, in a mean temper'd with taste, between the revolt- ingness of gross, rank and vulgar expressions, and the ridi- cule of mincing metaphors and affected circ.u.mlocutions, is so sensible, as well as good-natur'd, that you greatly justify me to myself for my compliance with a curiosity that is to be satisfied so extremely at my expense.
Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I am in my way to remark to you that it was late in the evening before I arriv'd at my new lodgings, and Mrs. Cole, after helping me to range and secure my things, spent the whole evening with me in my apartment, where we supped together, in giving me the best advice and instruction with regard to this new stage of my profession I was now to enter upon; and pa.s.sing thus from a private devotee to pleasure into a public one, to become a more general good, with all the advantages re- quisite to put my person out to use, either for interest or pleasure, or both. But then, she observ'd, as I was a kind of new face upon the town, that it was an established rule, and part of trade, for me to pa.s.s for a maid, and dispose of myself as such on the first good occasion, without prejudice, however, to such diversions as I might have a mind to in the interim; for that n.o.body could be a greater enemy than she was to the losing of time. That she would, in the mean time, do her best to find out a proper person, and would undertake to manage this nice point for me, if I would accept of her aid and advice to such good purpose that, in the loss of a fict.i.tious maidenhead, I should reap all the advantages of a native one.
Though such a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my character at that time, I confess, against my- self, that I perhaps too readily closed with a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me some repugnance to: but not enough to contradict the intention of one to whom I had now thoroughly abandoned the direction of all my steps. For Mrs.
Cole had, I do not know how unless by one of those unaccount- able invincible sympathies that, nevertheless, form the strongest links, especially of female friends.h.i.+p, won and got entire possession of me. On her side, she pretended that a strict resemblance she fancied she saw in me to an only daughter whom she had lost at my age, was the first motive of her taking to me so affectionately as she did. It might be so: there exist as slender motives of attachment that, gathering force from habit and liking, have proved often more solid and durable than those founded on much stronger reasons; but this I know, that tho' I had no other acquaintance with her than seeing her at my lodgings when I lived with Mr. H . . ., where she had made errands to sell me some millinery ware, she had by degrees insinuated her- self so far into my confidence that I threw myself blindly into her hands, and came, at length, to regard, love, and obey her implicitly; and, to do her justice, I never experi- enc'd at her hands other than a sincerity of tenderness, and care for my interest, hardly heard of in those of her pro- fession. We parted that night, after having settled a per- fect unreserv'd agreement; and the next morning Mrs. Cole came, and took me with her to her house for the first time.
Here, at the first sight of things, I found everything breath'd an air of decency, modesty and order.
In the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three young women, very demurely employ'd on millinery work, which was the cover of a traffic in more precious commodities; but three beautifuller creatures could hardly be seen. Two of them were extremely fair, the eldest not above nineteen; and the third, much about that age, was a piquant brunette, whose black sparkling eyes, and perfect harmony of features and shape, left her nothing to envy in her fairer companions.
Their dress too had the more design in it, the less it ap- peared to have, being in a taste of uniform correct neatness, and elegant simplicity. These were the girls that compos'd the small domestick flock, which my governess train'd up with surprising order and management, considering the giddy wild- ness of young girls once got upon the loose. But then she never continued any in her house, whom, after a due novitiate, she found untractable, or unwilling to comply with the rules of it. Thus had she insensibly formed a little family of love, in which the members found so sensibly their account, in a rare alliance of pleasure with interest, and of a necessary outward decency with unbounded secret liberty, that Mrs. Cole, who had pick'd them as much for their temper as their beauty, govern'd them with ease to herself and them too.
To these pupils then of hers, whom she had prepar'd, she presented me as a new boarder, and one that was to be immediately admitted to all the intimacies of the house; upon which these charming girls gave me all the marks of a welcome reception, and indeed of being perfectly pleased with my figure, that I could possibly expect from any of my own s.e.x: but they had been effectually brought to sacrifice all jeal- ousy, or compet.i.tion of charms, to a common interest, and consider'd me a partner that was bringing no despicable stock of goods into the trade of the house. They gathered round me, view'd me on all sides; and as my admission into this joyous troop made a little holiday, the shew of work was laid aside; and Mrs. Cole giving me up, with special recom- mendation, to their caresses and entertainment, went about her ordinary business of the house.
The sameness of our s.e.x, age, profession, and views soon created as unreserv'd a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years acquainted. They took and shew'd me the house, their respective apartments, which were furnished with every article of conveniency and luxury; and above all, a s.p.a.cious drawing-room, where a select revelling band usu- ally met, in general parties of pleasure; the girls supping with their sparks, and acting their wanton pranks with un- bounded licentiousness; whilst a defiance of awe, modesty or jealousy were their standing rules, by which, according to the principles of their society, whatever pleasure was lost on the side of sentiment was abundantly made up to the senses in the poignancy of variety, and the charms of ease and luxury. The authors and supporters of this secret in- st.i.tution would, in the height of their humours style them- selves the restorers of the golden age and its simplicity of pleasures, before their innocence became so injustly branded with the names of guilt and shame.
As soon then as the evening began, and the shew of a shop was shut, the academy open'd; the mask of mock-modesty was completely taken off, and all the girls deliver'd over to their respective calls of pleasure or interest with their men; and none of that s.e.x was promiscuously admitted, but only such as Mrs. Cole was previously satisfied with their character and discretion. In short, this was the safest, politest, and, at the same time, the most thorough house of accommodation in town: every thing being conducted so that decency made no intrenchment upon the most libertine pleasures, in the practice of which too, the choice familiars of the house had found the secret so rare and difficult, of reconciling even all the refinements of taste and delicacy with the most gross and determinate gratifications of senu- ality.
After having consum'd the morning in the endearments and instructions of my new acquaintance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. Cole, presiding at the head of her club, gave me the first idea of her management and address, in inspiring these girls with so sensible a love and respect for her.
There was no stiffness, no reserve, no airs of pique, or little jealousies, but all was unaffectedly gay, cheerful and easy.
After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young ladies, acquainted me that there was a chapter to be held that night in form, for the ceremony of my reception into the sister- hood; and in which, with all due reserve to my maidenhead, that was to be occasionally cook'd up for the first proper chapman, I was to undergo a ceremonial of initiation they were sure I should not be displeased with.
Embark'd as I was, and moreover captivated with the charms of my new companions, I was too much prejudic'd in favour of any proposal they could make, to much as hesitate an a.s.sent; which, therefore, readily giving in the style of a carte blanche, I receiv'd fresh kisses of compliment from them all, in approval of my docility and good nature. Now I was ”a sweet girl . . .” I came into things with a ”good grace . . .” I was not ”affectedly coy . . .” I should be ”the pride of the house . . .” and the like.
This point thus adjusted, the young women left Mrs.
Cole to talk and concert matters with me: she explained to me that I should be introduc'd, that very evening, to four of her best friends, one of whom she had, according to the custom of the house, favoured with the preference of engag- ing me in the first party of pleasure; a.s.suring me, at the same time, that they were all young gentlemen agreeable in their persons, and unexceptionable in every respect; that united, and holding together by the band of common pleasures, they composed the chief support of her house, and made very liberal presents to the girls that pleas'd and humour'd them, so that they were, properly speaking, the founders and patrons of this little seraglio. Not but that she had, at proper seasons, other customers to deal with, whom she stood less upon punctilio with than with these; for instance, it was not on one of them she could attempt to pa.s.s me for a maid; they were not only too knowing, too much town-bred to bite at such a bait, but they were such generous bene- factors to her that it would be unpardonable to think of it.
Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure, for such I conceiv'd it, stirr'd up in me, I preserved so much of the woman as to feign just reluctance enough to make some merit of sacrificing it to the influence of my patroness, whom I likewise, still in character, re- minded of it perhaps being right for me to go home and dress, in favour of my first impressions.
But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, a.s.sured me that the gentlemen I should be presented to were, by their rank and taste of things, infinitely superior to the being touched with any glare of dress or ornaments, such as silly women rather confound and overlay than set off their beauty with; that these veteran voluptuaries knew better than not to hold them in the highest contempt: they with whom the pure native charms alone could pa.s.s current, and who would at any time leave a sallow, washy, painted d.u.c.h.ess on her own hands, for a ruddy, healthy, firm-flesh'd country maid; and as for my part, that nature had done enough for me, to set me above owing the least favour to art; concluding withal, that for the instant occasion, there was no dress like an undress.
I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters not to be easily over-ruled by her: after which she went on preaching very pathetically the doctrine of pa.s.sive obedience and not-resistance to all those arbitrary tastes of pleasure, which are by some styl'd the refinements, and by others the depravations of it; between whom it was not the business of a simple girl, who was to profit by pleasing, to decide, but to conform to. Whilst I was edifying by these wholesome lessons, tea was brought in, and the young ladies, returning, joined company with us.
After a great deal of mix'd chat, frolic and humour, one of them, observing that there would be a good deal of time on hand before the a.s.sembly-hour, proposed that each girl should entertain the company with that critical period of her personal history in which she first exchanged the maiden state for womanhood. The proposal was approv'd, with only one restriction of Mrs. Cole, that she, on account of her age, and I, on account of my t.i.tular maidenhead, should be excused, at least till I had undergone the forms of the house. This obtain'd me a dispensation, and the promotress of this amus.e.m.e.nt was desired to begin.
Her name was Emily; a girl fair to excess, and whose limbs were, if possible, too well made, since their plump fullness was rather to the prejudice of that delicate slimness requir'd by the nicer judges of beauty; her eyes were blue, and streamed inexpressible sweetness, and nothing could be prettier than her mouth and lips, which clos'd over a range of the evenest and whitest teeth. Thus she began:
”Neither my extraction, nor the most critical adventure of my life, is sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of the proposal you have approv'd of. My father and mother were, and for aught I know, are still, farmers in the country, not above forty miles from town: their barbarity to me, in favour of a son, on whom only they vouchsafed to bestow their tenderness, had a thousand times determined me to fly their house, and throw myself on the wide world; but, at length, an accident forc'd me on this desperate attempt at the age of fifteen. I had broken a china bowl, the pride and idol of both their hearts; and as an unmerciful beating was the least I had to depend on at their hands, in the silliness of those tender years I left the house, and, at all adventures, took the road to London.
How my loss was resented I do not know, for till this instant I have not heard a syllable about them. My whole stock was too broad pieces of my grandmother's, a few s.h.i.+llings, silver shoe-buckles and a silver thimble. Thus equipp'd, with no more cloaths than the ordinary ones I had on my back, and frighten'd at every foot or noise I heard behind me, I hurried on; and I dare swear, walked a dozen miles before I stopped, through mere weariness and fatigue. At length I sat down on a stile, wept bitterly, and yet was still rather under increased impressions of fear on the account of my escape; which made dread, worse than death, the going back to face my unnatural parents. Refresh'd by this little repose, and relieved by my tears, I was proceeding onward, when I was overtaken by a st.u.r.dy country lad who was going to London to see what he could do for himself there, and, like me, had given his friends the slip. He could not be above seventeen, was ruddy, well featur'd enough, with uncombed flaxen hair, a little flapp'd hat, kersey frock, yarn stock- ings, in short, a perfect plough-boy. I saw him come whist- ling behind me, with a bundle tied to the end of a stick, his travelling equipage. We walk'd by one another for some time without speaking; at length we join'd company, and agreed to keep together till we got to our journey's end.
What his designs or ideas were, I know not: the innocence of mine I can solemnly protest.
”As night drew on, it became us to look out for some inn or shelter; to which perplexity another was added, and that was, what we should say for ourselves, if we were question'd. After some puzzle, the young fellow started a proposal, which I thought the finest that could be; and what was that? why, that we should pa.s.s for husband and wife: I never once dream'd of consequences. We came presently, after having agreed on this notable expedient, to one of those hedge-accommodations for foot pa.s.sengers, at the door do which stood an old crazy beldam, who seeing us trudge by, invited us to lodge there. Glad of any cover, we went in, and my fellow traveller, taking all upon him, call'd for what the house afforded, and we supped together as man and wife; which, considering our figures and ages, could not have pa.s.sed on any one but such as any thing could pa.s.s on. But when bedtime came on, we had neither of us the courage to contradict out first account of ourselves; and what was ex- tremely pleasant, the young lad seem'd as perplex'd as I was, how to evade lying together, which was so natural for the state we had pretenced to. Whilst we were in this quandary, the landlady takes the candle and lights us to our apartment, through a long yard, at the end of which it stood, separate from the body of the house. Thus we suffer'd ourselves to be conducted, without saying a word in opposition to it; and there, in a wretched room, with a bed answerable, we were left to pa.s.s the night together, as a thing quite of course.
For my part, I was so incredibly innocent as not even then to think much more harm of going to bed with the young man than with one of our dairy-wenches; nor had he, perhaps, any other notions than those of innocence, till such a fair occasion put them into his head.