Part 7 (2/2)

But see, in this recess with curtained way Is a self-acting shower-bath that you may Try in the morning if you're so inclined.

There's just one more contrivance yet I find That I must show you; by your bed side stands A nest of speaking tubes; this one commands My bedroom, number two, my sister's, and The third, Jane's room; this last, you understand, Might be convenient should you e'er require, If ill, an early cup of tea, or fire.

Is Jane the pretty housemaid? I reply, She is, you sly boy, but she's coy and shy.

Harry, I thought you'd known me better to---- All right, old boy, I was but joking you.

Harry now left. When dressed for dinner I Resolved tube numbered one at once to try, I blew the whistle, from the other end Hallo, was quickly answered by my friend.

I'm waiting to go down, will you be long?

I'm ready now, came mellowly along, And so we met upon the landing soon, And joined the ladies in the drawing-room.

A charming little dinner o'er, and then The ladies left and we were chatting when A bell was rung; Hallo, that's Pool, Hal cried; What does he want, I wonder, quick replied His friend by numerous clicks. He wants to know If we will sup with him. Mark, will you go?

I've no objection; click, click, click soon sent The answer to his friend, and off we went.

On our return Hal showed me many more Of his inventions, of which he'd a store, Till my bewildered and distracted head Was fairly dazed, so I escaped to bed, But not, alas, to sleep; th' exciting day Had been too much for my poor nerves; I lay Tossing and restless, could not sleep at all, So thought I'd summon Harry to my call, As he'd suggested, and we had agreed That I should do in case of urgent need.

I seized the tube, blew through it l.u.s.tily.

Well, soon was answered through it sleepily.

I cannot get to sleep, I wish you'd come To me, or have me with you in your room; I'd rather of the two that you'd come here, As you proposed, in case of need or fear.

As I proposed! you base, abandoned wretch, Repeat those words and I'll my brother fetch.

Horror of horrors! the wrong tube I'd grasped, And to Miss Gradient had been talking fast.

What should I do? I tried, but all in vain, Th' unlucky error meekly to explain.

Dear madame, I a.s.sure you on my word, 'Twas a mistake, but no response was heard; 'Twas clear she'd hear no more I had to say, However I might for forgiveness pray, So, putting in the whistle, on the bed I once more settled my distracted head.

The bare idea of my speaking so To that old lady was an awful blow; How could I meet her at the breakfast? how Sustain the anger of that rigid brow?

At last I made a desperate resolve To wake up Hal, the mystery to solve, So, quickly seizing the next tube o'erhead, Oh! I have made a great mistake, I said, I wanted you to come and sleep by me, But, seizing the wrong tube, unluckily I asked Miss Gradient to come instead Of you; pray come to me at once, I said, Or I shall try to find you, quickly too; I'm dying something to explain to you.

The answer almost drove me wild with pain, 'Twas in a quick, sharp, female voice again, But not Miss Gradient's evidently now, 'Twas Jane's, the pretty housemaid's: how-- How dare you, Sir! I'd have you know, young man, That I'm an honest girl, and scorn your plan, And if you dare to come you can't get in, For cook has double locked the door within.

My dear girl, I a.s.sure you, I commenced-- I ain't your dear girl, then said Jane, incensed, 'Tis no use talking any more to-night, With curl papers I'll stop the plug up tight, And in the morning, to your cost, you'll see I will expose your conduct thoroughly.

Another awful error--what a sc.r.a.pe I found myself within, and how escape?

I threw myself once more upon the bed, Great drops of perspiration on my head, Feeling bewildered, dest.i.tute of hope, With such a series of mishaps to cope.

If those fast bolted shutters had not been So firmly closed, I might have had a gleam Of the blest early dawn, but I _will_ try, Thought I, to open them; then by and bye I'll dress and go to Harry to explain, Before he meets his sister or sees Jane.

I felt my way then cautiously along, Quite nervous, lest I should again go wrong.

The window was a bow one--on I pa.s.sed, Still groping onward, till I cried at last, Ah! here it is, this is the curtain slide; I pa.s.sed within, when--how shall I describe My woeful plight? I screamed and yelled with pain, My feelings to describe, alas! 'twere vain, In the self-acting shower bath I had stepped.

And in a torrent its freed waters leapt On my distracted form, with deafening sound, Which sent me stunned and spinning to the ground In painful and undignified surprise; The curtains having deadened the wild cries, Wrung from me under such enforced surprise, No one had been aware of my sad plight.

As dripping, s.h.i.+vering with the sudden fright, I drew my wet clothes off and felt my way For dry ones, longing for the light of day, As longs some sun-struck traveller, from whose sight A momentary shock obscures the light.

The darkness so oppressive and intense Seemed round me an impenetrable fence, As well to physical as mental view, Deadening the intellect and reason too.

I could not long the awful state endure, So making a great effort to secure A calmer mood, by sad experience taught, Why, what a fool I've been, at length I thought, To have forgotten like an arrant dunce I've but to press the k.n.o.b to have at once The gas jet lit; so groping bit by bit, I reached it, pushed the k.n.o.b, but no gas lit; Terrific noise above I heard instead, I'd set th' alarum cras.h.i.+ng overhead!

What should I do? the neighbourhood would be Aroused, and perhaps as terrified as me.

I'd no idea how to stop the thing Which now distractingly began to ring.

I'd rush to Harry; ah, he'd heard the crash, And to my room now rushed with hurried dash; Why, what on earth's the matter, quickly tell?

Nothing but that abominable bell.

I wished to light the gas, the wrong k.n.o.b pushed; There, Harry said, I've stopped it, and off rushed To satisfy the neighbours who were now Ringing t' inquire th' occasion of the row.

He soon returned, saying he'd telegraphed To tell of the mistake, and then he laughed, Lighted my gas, and quickly went to bed, As he, like me, was chilled from heels to head.

Alas! my friend was gone ere I'd the power T' explain the _contretemps_ of that sad hour.

To get away was now my only thought, But then this all-important step was fraught With seen and unseen dangers everywhere, Suppose I met Miss Gradient on the stair, Or Jane--for this I candidly confess I did not the required aplomb possess.

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