Part 27 (1/2)

”That's good.”

After these words, however, there was another silence. And, oddly enough, the longer it lasted, the greater grew Olaf's anxiety, his exaggerated stiffness, for he still stood in the center of the room, as if nailed to the floor, under the light, prepared for the worst. I decided to end this.

”Listen,” I said very softly. ”What exactly did you imagine? The coward's way doesn't work, you know. . . Did you really think I wouldn't find out if you didn't tell me?”

I broke off, and he remained silent, with his head hung to one side. I had gone too far, no doubt, since he was not to blame -- in his shoes I probably would have done the same. Nor did I hold against him his month-long silence; it was that attempt to escape, to hide from me in this deserted room, when he saw me stepping out of Thurber's office -- but I couldn't tell him this directly, it was too stupid and ridiculous. I raised my voice, called him a d.a.m.ned fool, but even then he didn't defend himself.

”So you think there's nothing left to discuss?” I snapped.

”That depends on you. . .”

”How so, on me?”

”On you,” he repeated stubbornly. ”It was important, who would be the one to tell you. . .”

”You really believe that?”

”That was how it seemed to me. . .”

”It makes no difference,” I muttered.

”What do you intend to do?” he asked quietly.

”Nothing.”

Olaf looked at me suspiciously.

”Hal, look, I. . .”

He didn't finish. I felt I was torturing him with my presence, yet I couldn't forgive him for running away; and to leave like that, at that moment, without a word, would have been worse than the uncertainty that had brought me there. I didn't know what to say; everything that united us was forbidden. I looked at him in the same moment that he glanced at me -- each of us, even now, was counting on the other to help.

I got up from the sill.

”Olaf. . . it's late. I'm going. Don't think that I'm angry with you; nothing of the sort. We'll get together, anyway, perhaps you'll drop in on us.” I said this with effort; each word was unnatural, and he knew it.

”What. . . you're not staying the night?”

”I can't, you see, I promised. . .”

I did not say her name. Olaf mumbled: ”As you wish. I'll see you out.”