Part 24 (1/2)
”They call it fumography.”
”Fumography! never heard of it.”
”It is the art of knowing precisely, by examination of the smoke which comes out of the chimney, what your neighbour has for dinner.”
”Upon my soul, if one could send an excuse at a late hour, that might be useful.”
”My friend is quite an adept. He can tell first and second course _entremets_, and even if the different articles to be put on the table are done to a turn, or not.”
”Now, Mr Simple, what do you think of that?” inquired the captain.
”I think, sir, that it's all smoke.”
”Bravo, Mr Simple! you've said a very good thing.”
So I thought, too; but, as I wasn't quite sure, I would not laugh till all the rest of the company did.
As Mr Phillott wished to hear the end of the captain's story, he would not contradict him about the wine, by stating what he knew to be the case, that the captain had sent it on board at Barbadoes; and the captain proceeded.
”Well, I gave up my cabin to the old lady, and hung up my cot in the gun-room during the pa.s.sage home. We were becalmed abreast of Ceuta for two days. The old lady was very particular about her pug-dog, and I superintended the was.h.i.+ng of the little brute twice a week but at last I was tired of it, and gave him to my c.o.xswain to bathe. My c.o.xswain, who was a lazy fellow, without my knowledge, used to put the little beast into the bight of a rope, and tow him overboard for a minute or so. It was during this calm that he had him overboard in this way, when a confounded shark rose from under the counter, and took in the pug-dog at one mouthful. The c.o.xswain reported the loss as a thing of no consequence; but I knew better, and put the fellow in irons. I then went down and broke the melancholy fact to Miss Kearney, stating that I had put the man in irons, and would flog him well. The old lady broke out into a most violent pa.s.sion at the intelligence, declared that it was my fault, that I was jealous of the dog, and had done it on purpose.
The more I protested, the more she raved; and at last I was obliged to go off deck to avoid her abuse and keep my temper--I had not been on deck five minutes before she came up--that is, was shoved up, for she was so heavy that she could not get up without a.s.sistance. You know how elephants in India push the cannon through a mora.s.s with their heads from behind; well, my steward used to shove her up the companion-ladder just in the same way, with his head completely buried in her petticoats.
As soon as she was up, he used to pull his head out, looking as red and hot as a fresh boiled lobster. Well, up she came, with her will in her hand, and looking at me very fiercely, she said, 'since the shark has taken my dear dog, he may have my will also,' and throwing it over board, she plunged down on the carronade slide. 'It's very well, madam,' said I; 'but you'll be cool by-and-bye, and then you'll make another will.' 'I swear by all the hopes that I have of going to heaven that I never will!' replied she. 'Yes you will, madam,' replied I.
'Never, so help me G.o.d! Captain Kearney, my money may now go to my next heir, and that, you know, will not be you.' Now, as I knew very well that the old lady was very positive, and as good as her word, my object was to recover the will, which was floating about fifty yards astern, without her knowledge. I thought a moment, and then I called the boatswain's mate to pipe _all hands to bathe_. 'You'll excuse me, Miss Kearney,' said I, 'but the men are going to bathe, and I do not think you would like to see them all naked. If you would, you can stay on deck.' She looked daggers at me, and rising from the carronade slide, hobbled to the ladder, saying, that 'the insult was another proof of how little I deserved any kindness from her.' As soon as she was below, the quarter-boats were lowered down, and I went in one of them and picked up the will, which still floated. Brigs having no stern-windows, of course she could not see my manoeuvre, but thought that the will was lost for ever. We had very bad weather after that, owing to which, with the loss of her favourite pug, and constant quarrelling with me--for I did all I could to annoy her afterwards--she fell ill, and was buried a fortnight after she was landed at Plymouth. The old lady kept her word; she never made another will. I proved the one I had recovered at Doctor's Commons, and touched the whole of her money.”
As neither the first lieutenant nor I could prove whether the story was true or not, of course we expressed our congratulations at his good fortune, and soon afterwards left the cabin to report the marvellous story to our messmates. I went on deck. I found that the shark had just been hooked, and was being hauled on board. Mr Phillott had also come on deck. The officers were all eager about the shark, and were looking over the side, calling to each other, and giving directions to the men. Now, although certainly there was a want of decorum on the quarter-deck, still the captain having given permission, it was to be excused, but Mr Phillott thought otherwise, and commenced in his usual style, beginning with the marine officer.
”Mr Westley, I'll trouble you not to be getting upon the hammocks.
You'll get off directly, sir. If one of your fellows were to do so, I'd stop his grog for a month, and I don't see why you are to set a bad example; you've been too long in barracks, sir, by half. Who is that?-- Mr Williams and Mr Moore--both on the hammocks, too. Up to the fore-topmast head, both of you directly. Mr Thomas, up to the main; and I say, you youngster, stealing off, perch yourself upon the spanker-boom, and let me know when you've rode to London. By G.o.d! the service is going to h.e.l.l. I don't know what officers are made of now-a-days. I'll marry some of you young gentlemen to the gunner's daughter before long. Quarter-deck's no better than a bear garden. No wonder, when lieutenants set the example.”
This latter remark could only be applied to O'Brien, who stood in the quarter-boat giving directions, before the tirade of Mr Phillott stopped the amus.e.m.e.nt of the party. O'Brien immediately stepped out of the boat, and, going up to Mr Phillott, touched his hat, and said, ”Mr Phillott, we had the captain's permission to catch the shark and a shark is not to be got on board by walking up and down on the quarter-deck.
As regards myself, as long as the captain is on board, I hold myself responsible to him alone for my conduct; and if you think I have done wrong, forward your complaint; but if you pretend to use such language to me, as you have to others, I shall hold you responsible. I am here, sir, as an officer and a gentleman, and will be treated as such; and allow me to observe, that I consider the quarter-deck more disgraced by foul and ungentlemanly language, than I do by an officer accidentally standing upon the hammocks. However, as you have thought proper to interfere, you may now get the shark on board yourself.”
Mr Phillott turned very red, for he never had come in contact in this way with O'Brien. All the other officers had submitted quietly to his unpleasant manner of speaking to them. ”Very well, Mr O'Brien; I shall hold you answerable for this language,” replied he, ”and shall most certainly report your conduct to the captain.”
”I will save you the trouble; Captain Kearney is now coming up, and I will report it myself.”
This...o...b..ien did, upon the captain's putting his foot on the quarter-deck.
”Well,” observed the captain to Mr Phillott, ”what is it you complain of?”
”Mr O'Brien's language, sir. Am I to be addressed on the quarter-deck in that manner?”
”I really must say, Mr Phillott,” replied Captain Kearney, ”that I do not perceive anything in what Mr O'Brien said, but what is correct. I command here; and if an officer so nearly equal in rank to yourself has committed himself, you are not to take the law into your own hands. The fact is, Mr Phillott, your language is not quite so correct as I could wish it. I overheard every word that pa.s.sed, and I consider that you have treated your _superior_ officer with disrespect--that is _me_. I gave permission that the shark should be caught, and with that permission, I consequently allowed those little deviations from the discipline of the service, which must inevitably take place. Yet you have thought proper to interfere with my permission, which is tantamount to an order, and have made use of harsh language, and punished the young gentlemen for obeying my injunctions. You will oblige me, sir, by calling them all down, and in restraining your petulance for the future.
I will always support your authority when you are correct; but I regret that, in this instance, you have necessitated me to weaken it.”
This was a most severe check to Mr Phillott, who immediately went below, after hailing the mast-heads, and calling down the mids.h.i.+pmen.
As soon as he was gone, we were all on the hammocks again; the shark was hauled forward, hoisted on board, and every frying-pan in the s.h.i.+p was in requisition. We were all much pleased with Captain Kearney's conduct on this occasion; and, as...o...b..ien observed to me, ”He really is a good fellow and clever officer. What a thousand pities it is that he is such a confounded liar!” I must do Mr Phillott the justice to say that he bore no malice on this occasion, but treated us as before, which is saying a great deal in his favour, when it is considered what power a first lieutenant has of annoying and punis.h.i.+ng his inferiors.