Part 6 (1/2)

Everyone is looking at me, waiting to see what I'm going to do. The fact there's even a question has brought a new air of uncertainty into the piazza.

'Can we talk?' I say to Jude.

A flicker of surprise. 'Now?'

'My room.' I s.h.i.+ft without waiting for an answer.

I arrive by my window in a patch of sunlight. My bloodied t-s.h.i.+rt is crumpled on the floor. I kick it towards my dirty clothes basket. Wait for Jude to arrive. The seconds stretch out, hollow.

Finally, my stomach dips.

'What's going on?' Jude is by the door. Unsettled.

'I thought it was only you and me leaving?'

'Isn't this better?'

'Better how?'

'We're not walking away from everyone.'

'No, only most of our friends.' Anger stirs. All he cares about is that Rafa and Mya are coming. 'And what happened to telling everyone about Nathaniel killing our mother?'

'We save it.'

It takes a second before I understand. He doesn't want the others to know about our secret, not now that so many of our friends are out on the limb with us. Ez and Zak. Jones. Rafa.

'Then why leave today? We can stay here, bide our time, drop the bombsh.e.l.l when the time is right.'

He crosses the room to me. His face is flushed, full of urgency. 'We can't stay here, not after everyone stood up with me. We have to go. Now.'

'Go where?'

'Anywhere, Gabe. It doesn't matter as long as we're together.'

Blood rushes in my ears. Can't he see the problem? It was supposed to be the two of us. I try to picture this new life, trying to coexist with Rafa, having to explain to everyone why we can't be in the same room without hurting each other. Watching Mya flirt with him and manipulate Jude. Jude treating her like she's his equal. And then I imagine everyone finding out Rafa slept with Mya and me within hours of each other. And I was second. Shame washes over me. I can't do it.

'I'm not leaving.'

It takes a few seconds for the impact of my words to hit. When it does it's like I've sucker-punched him. It almost finishes me.

'Why not?'

I look away. How can I tell him I've humiliated myself with his best friend?

'Because of what Daniel said?'

I swallow. My throat is packed with dirt. 'You know he's right about weakening our defences-'

'Bulls.h.i.+t. It's Mya, isn't it? If she was staying, you'd go.'

'And if I said yes, would you leave her behind?'

His expression s.h.i.+fts, guarded now. 'Is that what you're asking me to do?'

'G.o.d forbid.' I push past him. He reaches for my arm and I knock it away. Harder than I intend.

'You're serious. Gabe, what the f.u.c.k has got into you? This is what we've been talking about since the day we found Jason-'

'That's right, Jude, we've been talking about it for over a century, so why the urgency now?'

'Because I just had an almighty showdown with Nathaniel and I drew a line in the sand!'

'He'll get over it.'

'I won't. f.u.c.k, I'm not backing down now. I can't.'

'I'm not leaving today.'

'Then when?'

'I don't know.'

'You'd stay here knowing what we know?' He sniffs, something he only does when he's really wound up. 'Does Daniel's opinion mean that much to you?'

'This isn't about Daniel and you know it.'

'Then tell me what it is about, Gabe, because this makes no sense.'

I pick up my bloodied t-s.h.i.+rt and hurl it into the wastepaper basket. It hits so hard the bin falls over. b.a.l.l.s of scrunched-up paper from my notebook spill onto the carpet. Torn pages of short stories that aren't working. 'I'm not running out the door because Mya thinks it's time to leave.'

'It's a little late for that now.'

We stare at each other and I watch it all play out across his face: the anger, the anxiety, the betrayal. 'I haven't got time to argue. There are people waiting down there who do want to leave.' The seconds draw out, each one clawing at me, ripping tendon, sinew, bone. I don't answer him. I can't say no again, not with him looking at me like that, so much hurt and anger.

'Well, thanks for not humiliating me in front of everyone.'

He hesitates for another second and then he's gone.

My eyes stay fixed on the indent in the carpet where he was just standing. The shaking starts in my legs. I walk to the bathroom, my steps wobbly. I stare at my reflection, sick and numb.

It's not too late. I can still s.h.i.+ft down there, stand with Jude and fix this.

But all I see is Rafa, smug. Daisy fretting. Micah, uncertain. Mya, triumphant.

And I can't do it.

I have to let him go.

NOW.