Part 40 (1/2)

I lingered rather longer in Fairpark than I should have. Mrs. Humphries would be waiting for me. Reluctantly, I walked to my car, drove home, and walked down the street to fetch Noah, who was in a somber, unhappy mood. His face looked the way I felt. When we got home, he went to his room and quietly shut the door rather than plopping himself down in front of the Xbox as he normally did.

I went to his room, opened the door.

He sat on his bed, crying.

What's wrong? I asked. I asked.

Why didn't Mom love me? he asked, wiping at his eyes, unable to stop himself from crying. he asked, wiping at his eyes, unable to stop himself from crying.

I don't know, I admitted. I admitted.

I'm a good boy, he said. he said.

Yes, you are. You're a very good boy.

I don't understand, Daddy.

He cried silently, embarra.s.sed by his tears because he thought he was too old to cry.

I stood in the doorway and watched him.

”Why, Daddy?” he asked in a strangled voice.

I sat on the bed, put my arm around him, pulling him close.

”Why?” he asked again. ”I'm not dumb!”

Ai not dub.

I rubbed a rea.s.suring hand on his back.

”I can speak!” he exclaimed angrily.

Ai ken speck!

He got up suddenly and went to the dresser. I watched nervously, but all he did was stand there with his back to me, leaning against it, his shoulders. .h.i.tching with his sobs. I wanted to go to him, hold him, kiss him, tell him everything would be all right, but I did nothing but sit there. He was going to have to come to terms with this particular problem and there wasn't anything I could do to help.

He cried for a few minutes, sheepish, not wanting me to see him. When the worst had pa.s.sed, he turned around to face me.

Why didn't I-r-o-n M-a-n come to help me? he asked. he asked. He could have done something! He could have done something!

This is a problem you have to take care of by yourself, I said.

I hate her! he exclaimed, his face twisting up in anger. he exclaimed, his face twisting up in anger. I'm glad she's dead! I'm glad she's dead!

No, you're not.

Yes I am!

Then why are you crying?

Because she was so mean!

She was, I agreed. I agreed.

But I'm a good boy....

I know you are.

Why didn't she like me?

I don't know, I said again. I said again. She didn't like me either and she didn't want anything to do with either one of us. But we didn't do anything wrong. Stop blaming yourself. She didn't like me either and she didn't want anything to do with either one of us. But we didn't do anything wrong. Stop blaming yourself.

Aren't you mad at her?

A little bit.

He fell silent.

I got to my feet, went to the door.

If you and J. get married, he signed, he signed, you won't stop loving me, will you? you won't stop loving me, will you?

His face was screwed up with a desperate earnestness.

Why do you keep asking me that? I asked. I asked.

I want to know.

I've already answered you.

You could be lying.

I sighed a bit too heavily. I was tired of this particular conversation. Noah had a deep, abiding insecurity. Nothing I did seemed to make it better.

”Come here,” I said, waving my hand at him.

He walked slowly over to me.

I put my hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes for long, long moments. I could see all his fear and insecurity in his eyes, his hesitation, his doubts.

I'm going to answer this question, I signed at last, I signed at last, but I want you to promise me you will never ask me this question again. Do you promise me? but I want you to promise me you will never ask me this question again. Do you promise me?

He nodded.

You're my only child and I will never love anyone as much as I love you. I would cut off my own arms for you. Don't you ever doubt it. I've been there for you since the day you were born and I will always be there for you, and that will never change. Do you understand?