Part 2 (2/2)

”Oh my gosh, yes! Are you not seeing?” Rachel continues. ”I think I have the biggest crush on him!”

”Josh?” I ask. I am dumbfounded. I can't see past the big ears and the Nasties.

”Yeah! Don't you think?” Rachel carries on, not waiting to hear my opinion. ”I mean, he must have grown like three inches.”

”Hmm,” I murmur.

”Do you think he'll be at the bonfire?” Rachel asks.

”Well, you said everyone who's anyone will be there,” I snicker.

”You're right. He'll definitely be there,” Rachel agrees, not noticing my tone. ”You have to call me as soon as you ask your mom, okay?”

26.

”Uh-huh,” I answer without really paying attention to the question. I stare out the window at the cars in the parking lot and the broken gla.s.s glittering on the sidewalk like diamonds. It's funny how a blown-out winds.h.i.+eld can look beautiful.

Nervously, I make my way to the back of the high school, where the art studio is tucked away in a light-filled corner hallway. I enter the cla.s.sroom and peer around. The walls are covered with a messy flood of color, cutouts from magazines and books, all kinds of images, paintings and drawings and photographs of sculptures, some of which I recognize, many more that I do not. Easels people the room, draped with canvases and drawing tablets. Students are perched on rickety stools stained with paint and dotted with spots of glue.

I settle down in the far corner of the room, near the windows, which are filthy and tall, reminding me of some neglected cathedral. Then I hang my smock, one of my dad's old work s.h.i.+rts, on a hook at the back of the room.

There are fifteen other students in the cla.s.s, mostly a mix of soph.o.m.ores and juniors. Including me, there are eleven girls and only four guys. The teacher, Ms. Calico, looks young. She is wearing khaki bell-bottoms and a flowery blouse with a long silver chain and a thick wooden pendant hanging down by her belly. Her brown hair is messy -- like mine, I think -- short

27.

and tucked behind her ears. She is standing by her desk at the front of the room, flipping through a magazine.

Suddenly, a shadow fills the doorway. Ms. Calico looks up, then smiles. ”Just in time,” she says.

I look up to see who's come in with the bell. And I feel my stomach plummet into my feet. I stand up quickly, knocking my stool over. I'm frozen and I look away from the dark gray eyes that are now staring at me curiously. Work, feet, I plead silently. I bend down and pick up my stool, then sit and huddle behind my easel.

It's a strange sensation, feeling all the color drain away from my face. The blood runs away slowly, leaving a sickening s.h.i.+ver in its wake.

Damian Archer. I glance up, and see him still standing in place, staring at the floor, a queasy grimace on his face. Good, I think, I hope he feels worse than I do. Maybe he'll feel so bad, he'll leave.

How can I be in a cla.s.s with Damian? I can't sit here in the same room as him. I just can't.

Damian was in the car with Nate that night. The night of February 8. Nate died. Damian walked away. Walked away. My mom said it was Damian's fault, his influence that made Nate do such a terrible and foolish thing. And looking at Damian in his black combat boots, black jeans, black trench coat, I'm inclined to believe it, too.

28.

”Okay, everyone!” Ms. Calico's voice cuts through my nausea, and I glimpse Damian taking a stool at the front of the room, as far from me as possible. Thank goodness.

”Welcome to Advanced Art. I have a couple of announcements to start with,” Ms. Calico continues. ”First, there will be a school-wide art show at the beginning of February, and while it's not mandatory that my students partic.i.p.ate, I highly encourage all of you to think about submitting pieces to the show. The second piece of business is that I have information for a couple of summer art programs at my desk. The applications are due in mid-November for most of them. If you are interested in more information, please see me at the end of cla.s.s.”

Summer art programs. An art show. Oh my gosh. I look around and all of the other kids in the cla.s.s look so much older than I am, so much more ... capable. Even if they're only a year or two older, they just seem more confident than I feel. I don't have the nerve to ask about the art show or the summer programs. Anyway, Ms. Calico was probably talking to the uppercla.s.smen, not to me.

I glance up and catch my breath when I catch Damian peeking at me around his easel. How am I going to share art cla.s.s with Damian? It was the one cla.s.s I was excited to take. Now, though ... Does he hate me as much as I hate him? I wonder. He must hate my whole family.

29.

I go straight home, just as my mother had commanded me to do. I have at least three hours before my parents get back, so rather than starting on the homework I seriously cannot believe the teachers had the gall to a.s.sign on the first day of school, and rather than think about the first day of high school at all, I go straight to my bedroom. I move to turn on my computer, but I stop to consider the map of the world.

This map is a little -- or a lot -- out-of-date. The shapes and borders of many of the nations have changed ... entire pieces of the world have switched hands, been broken apart and put back together differently since this piece of paper was printed. All of it, the world, home, life, just keeps s.h.i.+fting, keeps on moving.

Idly, I let my fingers run over continents and mountain ranges and oceans. There is so much. There is no land that remains to be discovered, no continent left unexplored. Still, the whole world is out there, waiting, just waiting for me.

Oh, I want to do things -- I want to walk the rain-soaked streets of London, and drink mint tea in Casablanca; I want to wander the wastelands of the Gobi desert and see a yak. I think my life's ambition is to see a yak. There is just so much, so much to see, to touch and taste and explore. And above all, I want to do things, things that will mean something, that will matter. More than anything else, I am terrified I won't have that chance.

So, I do what I always do when the fear of being trapped

30.

here in Lincoln Grove for the rest of my life wells up in my throat and threatens to choke me. I escape to my refuge.

I take out a tablet of drawing paper and cradle it in my lap. As I stare up at the continent of Asia, I let the soft graphite follow the lines of China and Mongolia, Russia, then move south, to Burma, Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, and Vietnam, Malaya, Sumatra (I told you the map was outdated), Borneo. I look north again and study the vastness of Siberia. I know the Russians used to exile criminals -- revolutionaries -- at various points in the country's history to Siberia. I imagine an empty ice field, barren and cheerless, inhabited by a solitary woman in a sable fur cap and coat, a countess, marching by herself to a looming, frozen doom. How dreadful. Lines meet and capture the bent shape of a cold and lonely woman as my pencil flies over the paper, tracing this scene inside the boundaries of Siberian tundra.

I move back down the map again, pausing at Sumatra, which I think is a part of Indonesia now. I picture lush green jungles, dense with s.h.i.+ny leaves and vines, rich black soil, and eyes of varying colors peering out from among the trees. My pencils scratch across the page, the paper wrinkling finely. I don't mind when the paper looks crumpled -- it gives the drawing an old map quality. I love watching the supple gray line chase the point of the pencil. Strokes and strokes giving shape to a great, wild, jungle life, monkeys and frogs peeping from between leaves.

The sudden grumbling of the garage door opening pulls me

<script>