Part 15 (1/2)

Judd: Really? Like you slowly lift your legs with pulleys, every morning?

Jeff: Not every morning, but often enough.

Judd: With an instructor?

Jeff: With an instructor. I do privates.

Judd: You do privates?

Jeff: That's one of the luxuries I actually partake in. I have to have privates because the thought of me being in a Pilates cla.s.s-that's goofy.

Judd: There's nothing about Pilates that won't make one of your b.a.l.l.s fall out of your pants.

Jeff: By the way, nothing. You have to prepare for that ahead of time. I'm a big boxer-brief guy. With boxer briefs, you get no ball fallout. And then, I try to avoid- Judd: You do Pilates in boxers?

Jeff: Boxers?

Judd: Didn't you say boxers?

Jeff: Yeah, but underneath my sweatpants. With sweatpants, my b.a.l.l.s aren't going to drop out.

Judd: I don't like that flexibility. I need it compact.

Jeff: No, boxer briefs hold everything in. You know what boxer briefs are?

Judd: No. I thought it was brief or boxers. I didn't think it was the same.

Jeff: Boxer briefs are like longer briefs-like, they come down to here. You never worn those?

Judd: I have like tighty whities.

Jeff: Is that what you wear?

Judd: I don't need the extra shorts aspect of it that you seem to like.

Jeff: Do you really wear tighty whities?

Judd: What does this do for you?

Jeff: There's a certain confidence-I would have to drop my pants right now to show you. But I would not look like an idiot, whereas you, my friend, you wear tighty whities and we would be laughing at you.

Judd: The idea with that is that you have a bigger d.i.c.k than me.

Jeff: I would wager everything I own that our d.i.c.ks are the same size.

Judd: Really?

Jeff: We got the cla.s.sic, average Jew d.i.c.k. I see my d.i.c.k all the time; I know it's not big. It's very normal size. It's not like a tiny festival. But I don't wear the boxer briefs because I have an extraordinarily large d.i.c.k or small. My p.e.n.i.s has nothing to do with it. It's just a nice-it's a very comfortable loungewear.

Judd: Okay. I was listening to an interview with you recently, and there's a long section where you're talking about what a good guy you are. Now, is that because you are a good guy, or like you're such a murderer that you just say that?

Jeff: One of my favorite comedians of all time is Jack Benny. But besides being my favorite comedian, he also had a reputation of being the biggest supporter of other comedians and the nicest amongst comedians, and I really want to be known as, if not the nicest, then one of the nicest comedians.

Judd: Are you a people pleaser?

Jeff: No, I could give a s.h.i.+t about that.

Judd: There was a letter that someone showed me once-Jack Benny used to write letters to this television producer-but what made me laugh is that they were kind of dirty. And you don't think of guys like Jack Benny as dirty.

Jeff: Right.

Judd: He was talking about how he loved a lot of the shows that year, but his favorite one was called ”My Mother the c.u.n.t.”

Jeff: Jack Benny wrote that? Wow. Because he really was clean and adamant about being clean.

Judd: So he likes that kind of joke but he thinks it's wrong to do the ”My Mother the c.u.n.t” joke to America-like we can't handle it?

Jeff: They couldn't have handled it back then.

Judd: I just mean they all had a different sense of humor that they didn't share with the public, like Milton Berle taking his d.i.c.k out and putting it in a hot dog bun. But then when these young comedians like Robert Klein started showing up, they were all like, Oh, this is out of line!

Jeff: Let me ask you a question. You're busy. We don't spend a lot of time together but I look at you as a friend. J. J. Abrams is the other person who you remind me of in this way. And that is, I call you, I email you, anything, and right away, you respond: ”What's going on? How are you doing?” It's not like two weeks later. But I, even being one hundredth as successful as you, don't get back to people ever. I just wonder how you pull off being a great dad, a great husband. You're this successful producer. You make movies. You're producing a TV show for HBO. I mean, how do you do that?

Judd: Does this also relate to the fact that you have to keep saying you're a good guy? When in fact you're like the a.s.shole who never returns emails?

Jeff: By the way, isn't it true that when you don't return someone's email, they think there's something wrong? Whenever I do write people back, their response is always: ”Oh, I thought you were mad at me!” What? If I'm mad at someone, I tell them. But how do you pull this off? I don't know.

Judd: For a long time, people thought all my emails were angry. Because they would be very simple.

Jeff: Informational.

Judd: Yeah.

Jeff: I'm totally good with that.

Judd: But you know what helps? Exclamation marks. Now I've adopted an email personality that is not anything like me. I'm like a fourteen-year-old girl who puts exclamation marks after everything. Because people kept thinking I was mad at them. Well, I don't think answering emails correlates to any positive qualities that I, or anyone, has.

Jeff: No, what I want to know is- Judd: What's probably happening is, like, one of my kids is choking on a bone and I'm not helping them because I'm so obsessed with answering your email. So maybe I'm a p.r.i.c.k who cares more about your email than my children.

Jeff: I really want you to answer this.

Judd: I'm being honest.

Jeff: Really?

Judd: I'm saying, why the f.u.c.k am I answering your email? Honestly, I have a lot to do.

Jeff: That's my point.

Judd: I'm busy. I have children. They need help with their homework and why am I checking the f.u.c.king email?