Part 26 (1/2)
”It is,” she said. ”I meant every word of that.”
”I believe you.” He paused. ”Sera, if you knew at this moment that you would go through your entire life and never get pregnant, never have a child of your own, how would you feel?”
”I will have a child of my own.”
”Answer the question.”
”I suppose . . . I suppose I'd be devastated.”
”Yes. Of course you would. Wanting something so close to your heart and knowing you'll never have it is h.e.l.l. You want to have children.”
”Yes. Of course I do. Don't you?”
”Did I ever tell you that?”
She blinked with surprise. ”Well, no, but I a.s.sumed-”
”You shouldn't have.”
”Adam, you're hardly too old to have children.”
”That has nothing to do with it.”
”But you love children. I don't understand-”
”I know you don't. And I can't explain it to you. Just know that I'm way past being able to think about that.”
She stared at him a long time, her eyes narrowing thoughtfully. ”There's something else.”
”Something else?”
”Something you're not telling me.”
”I don't know what else there is to say.”
”Plenty,” she said softly. ”I can see it in your eyes.”
”It's getting late. I'm a sick man, remember? I need my rest.”
”You've never told me about your wife.”
Adam froze, stabbed by pain that was as raw and real as it had been three years ago. He turned away from Sera's sharp gaze, wis.h.i.+ng she'd stop probing into things that were best left alone.
”You never talk about her,” Sera went on. ”Who she was, how she died. I asked Lisa about her once, but she said I should talk to you. I suppose I should have long before now.”
”Sera-”
”You and your wife never had children. Why not?”
Adam's pulse kicked hard, and in seconds his heart was racing. Looking down, he saw his hands had tightened into fists and he didn't even realize he'd done it. He consciously relaxed them, only to realize his palms were sweating.
”We almost did,” he said quietly.
”I don't understand.”
Just tell her, d.a.m.n it. After all this time can't you at least say it without falling apart? say it without falling apart?
”My wife died when she was seven months pregnant.”
For several seconds, all Sera did was stare at him, her lips parted in a small, silent gasp. Then slowly she slid her hand to her throat, tears welling up in her eyes.
”Oh, Adam,” she whispered. ”I'm sorry. So sorry. I had no idea.”
Her compa.s.sion only fueled his misery. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't stand to see the empathy on her face that reflected the pain in her heart.
”To lose both a wife and a child,” she murmured. ”The pain you must have felt . . . I can't even imagine. . . .”
”Please, Sera,” he said. ”Please don't. I can't take this.”
He couldn't. He couldn't stand the flood of memories that came rus.h.i.+ng back to him, the incessant echoing of Ellen's voice inside his head, the overwhelming helplessness and despair that he knew he might never overcome. And he certainly couldn't deal with it in front of Sera.
”Please leave,” he implored her, refusing to meet her eyes anymore. ”Right now. Please. Please.”
But still she sat there. After a moment, he felt her hand against his cheek. ”Adam . . .”
He turned back to see a single tear coursing down her face. Her own burning desire to have a child was reflected in the pain she felt for him, and that only tormented him more.
She eased closer to him, so close that her long dark hair fell along his forearm. She rested her other hand against his thigh, but it wasn't until he felt her breath against his lips that he realized what she intended to do.
”Sera-”
”No,” she whispered. ”I have to. . . .”
She pressed her lips to his in a tender kiss, her other hand stroking his thigh in the faintest of caresses, as if she was driven to touch him and afraid of hurting him all at the same time. That gentle touch was enticing beyond measure. He knew he should be pulling away, but he'd wanted to kiss her for such a long time, a thousand times over, and he found himself leaning into her, tilting his head and closing his mouth over hers.
It was wrong. He knew it was wrong, but he hadn't kissed a woman in three long years, and the feeling overpowered him. But not just because he was kissing a woman. It was because he was kissing Sera, who was more special to him than anything else in his life. Pain still pounded at his head, but he didn't feel it. Memories circled the periphery of his mind but stayed at bay. His heart was still racing, but his despair had s.h.i.+fted to euphoria, his anxiety to exhilaration. For a few blessed moments, he felt nothing but Sera's kiss and the love she was pouring into him.
She finally leaned away from him, her beautiful brown eyes still glistening with tears. She backed away slowly and stood up, and he thought she was going to say good night and walk out of the room. Instead, she pulled down the covers on the other side of the bed.
She opened her robe and pushed it off her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. She wore a long, filmy blue nightgown that seemed to s.h.i.+mmer in the dim lamplight, skimming along her hips and b.r.e.a.s.t.s. He'd never seen anything more beautiful in his life, and he couldn't tear his gaze away.
”What are you doing?” he asked.
She slid into bed beside him. ”Sleeping with you.”
”Sera . . .”
”I don't want to leave you.” She paused, staring at him with a soft, plaintive expression that went straight to his heart. ”Please tell me you want me to stay.”
As she waited for his answer, all he could think about was how much he wanted her there, now and forever. He wanted her beside him all the days and nights of his life. That wasn't possible, could never be possible, but just for tonight he wanted to feel the warmth of her body next to his, smell her soft floral perfume, hear her gentle breathing.