Part 10 (1/2)

I'd never seen Sasha look so scared. I set down my toothbrush to give her my full attention.

'I say I want people to get to know the real me, but who is that? I don't know. I don't even know if she's worth getting to know.

'Oh Sasha, don't be crazy!' I rallied her.

'I know I p.i.s.s you off, going on about this-'

'No, you don't,' I a.s.sured her. 'I just get frustrated that you can't see all your other qualities. All the reasons we love you.'

'I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere,' she quavered.

'You just haven't found your groove, that's all.'

'What if I haven't got one?'

'Everybody's got one. Everybody's got something that they were born to do.'

Not everyone gets to find it of course, but I don't want to labor that point. Instead I said, 'Some people find theirs later in life.'

And straight away I thought: Other people take theirs for granted. Look at me years of practicing my home-styling skills in antic.i.p.ation of transforming the B&B and now the groove I thought I was gradually growing into is gone. Was I wrong? Is there something else for me out there? I was so sure.

'Maybe I should have just stuck with modeling.' Sasha sounded defeated as she pulled on her stripy pyjama bottoms.

'You hated it,' I reminded her.

'I know, but at least I was good at it.'

'If you hated it, it wasn't your groove,' I confirmed. 'It was just a red herring something you needed to get out of your system.'

Sasha shrugged then suddenly changed the subject. 'Have you seen the shutters above the bath? They open out on to the ocean...'

I knew she wasn't really done but I didn't want to push it. It wasn't a conversation that could lead to an easy resolution and at that point I thought a good night's sleep would probably serve her better than a pep talk from me. I guess now it's time for Plan B.

As I get closer to her I see a tear trickle from her eye, so I slow down and then casually slide on to the seat beside her and stare deliberately out to sea, trying to give the sun a chance to dry the streak so I don't have to comment on it and thus put her on the spot. But when I finally turn to offer her a slice of breakfast pineapple, her face is flooded.

'Sasha, what is it?' I'm shocked and put my arms around her, ready to catch her if she falls.

'I'm so lost, Lara,' she wails. 'I wonder if I should just go home.'

'What?' I gasp. 'We haven't even been here twenty-four hours!'

'I just don't think I can do it.'

'Do what?' What on earth is going on in her head?

'Have fun. j.a.pe around. I mean, where does Zo get the energy to go to Mexico of an evening?'

'I don't know,' I marvel. I'm still fighting visions of her dancing on a table, a small Mexican man between her teeth.

Sasha sniffs. 'When I was at home thinking about this trip I imagined myself laughing in the suns.h.i.+ne, but now I'm here I feel just as bad as I did then. Worse even, because I look at you all having fun and I feel such a killjoy and I hate myself for not being able to loosen up and join in.'

I'd hardly say I've been a barrel of laughs since we arrived but it never crossed my mind to turn around and go back home.

'It's early days, Sasha, you said yourself jet lag can be a downer for some people.'

'I know but-'

I'm not done. 'If you went home, how would that make you feel?' I turn her to face me.

Her eyes remain downcast.

'Miserable ... defeated ... a failure ...' She sinks lower. 'But that's okay you're supposed to be miserable living in London. Everyone is. I can blame the tubes and strikes and the weather, but here it's blue skies and golden sands and swaying palms and I can't stand it!' Sasha covers her face with her hands. 'I mean, if I can't be happy here there's no hope for me. I might as well-' she halts herself with a choking sob.

I blink, stunned. She's even worse than I thought. As I try and think what to say next, Sasha uncovers her eyes and takes in the look on my face.

'You see? This is exactly why I have to go. I'm just going to ruin it for everyone else.'

'You wouldn't ... you couldn't ...' I begin.

'I just ...' Her eyes flick around searching for the words, something to make sense. Then in a small voice, she says, 'I don't like being me any more. I don't know if I ever did.'

'I'll swap!' I suggest with a faint smile.

'Do you want to feel like this?' Sasha looks me in the eye.

I shake my head. Because I already have.

'Maybe this is the worst bit,' I suggest. 'If you've been really depressed then you're not going to get happy overnight, there'll be some resistance. Your body is probably addicted to all these negative pheromones or whatever they are, and at first it's going to reject any happy beans, but soon you'll be addicted to them instead.' I'm sure there must have been a better way to phrase that.

'But I don't even want to try. How lame is that?'

My heart goes out to her. That's just how I felt when I first heard about the B&B. It scared me too much to care so I opted for apathy. But that only provides a temporary numbing, as I am beginning to find out.

I take Sasha's hand and try and be tactful. 'It's not like we're expecting you to be the life and soul of the party.'

'Why would you? I never have been, have I? What exactly do I bring to the party?'

'You bring Sasha!' I cry, exasperated.

Before I can list her lovely calming qualities she says, 'Admit it. It would be easier if I wasn't here.'

'I don't know why you'd say that,' I frown, peeling back the strands of hair that have become stuck to her face with tears. 'You haven't done anything to bring us down. Of course we all want you along.'

'Not like this.'

'Whatever state you come in, we want you here,' I insist. 'If you want to slump in the back of the car while we're driving round, or build sandcastles on the beach and fill the moat with your own tears, that's fine. If you want to go to bed early, or not get up at all, that's fine. If you want to wander off and have some alone time fine you don't have to be what you think we want you to be. You don't have to be fake cheerful. You're ent.i.tled to your feelings. We'll be more than happy to have a laugh with you when you feel like joining in, and if you don't that's okay too. If this is your hour of need, do you think we're going to turn away?'