Part 14 (1/2)
There have been days since that time when she can't bring herself to accompany Dr. Harper on his rounds. Days when she just wants to forget other people's troubles. Sometimes it's more than she can manage to stay mad. She waits for Haru to return from work, losing herself in stories until he does. Books take her away from Manzanar, allow her to live other lives in her head for a while. And books are available to her now since the library has finally opened.
”We have a lot to thank the Quakers for,” she tells Dr. Harper in a rare moment of grat.i.tude. ”That people who have never met us care for us, well, it's ...”
He has never heard her so pleased, so fulsome about anything before. It's a good sign, he thinks, there must be balance in life after all.
Tamura, though, is not of the same mind.
”You need more than books, more than the company of an old man to fill your days,” she says. She has never met Dr. Harper, and, like Haru but for a mother's reasons, she disapproves of the friends.h.i.+p. It's odd, for a start, and she worries that Dr. Harper is exposing Satomi to things best left to her elders. And there's the nuisance of Satomi pleading with her to let Dr. Harper examine her.
”Please, Mother. Just let him give you something for your cough, examine your chest.”
”Soon, maybe,” she says reluctantly.
”Keep out of the medics' hands for as long as you can,” Aaron used to say. ”Once they get their hands on you, it's all downhill.” Satomi loves the way Haru flirts with her now, even though he keeps up the pretense that she is still a kid. He plays at being irked that he has to put up with her, the annoying girl from next door, shaking his head when she teases him, letting the smile slip from him, frowning a little. He is on the point of kissing her, she knows, and just the antic.i.p.ation of it warms her up.
Sometimes in the afternoons, to stop herself thinking of him, to keep her heart from flipping at the thought of them touching, she helps Mrs. Hamada out with her brood, was.h.i.+ng the little ones' s.h.i.+ning faces, taking their pudgy little hands in her own as she makes up games and tells them stories. She enjoys being with the children and it gives Mrs. Hamada an hour or two of peace, time to take a shower, to catch up with the was.h.i.+ng.
”You had better be careful,” Eriko says, smothering a smile. ”Before you know it you'll be popular.”
”Oh, it's just something to do,” Satomi says.
”You don't have to apologize for it, Satomi,” Naomi says, woken from her afternoon sleep by their chatter. ”It's good to fill your days, to help others.”
Unlike Naomi, Satomi is filled with restless energy and can't sleep in the day. At night her dreams are of a different sort than the old woman's.
”Mine are always about home, and food,” Naomi says. ”Sweet fried fish, red beans, rice soup.”
In Satomi's, memories work themselves through her mind so that the past becomes whole again. She sees the fox, haughty by the porcelainberry bush, hears Mr. Beck's voice, ”Know what 'exotic' means, Satomi?”
Sometimes she dreams of Tamura disappearing from her view like smoke dissolving as she reaches out for her. She wakes from those dreams to the form of the robe hovering over her like some Oriental specter.
”It's the same for me,” Haru says. ”I dream of losing my family. This place does that to you. It changes everything. Yumi no longer eats with us. She goes to a different mess hall with her friends, as though she is ashamed to be one of us. My grandmother's bones ache and her memory is going, she is losing the present, living more and more in the past. It makes me wonder how I am to take care of them here.
Confessing their fears, they find themselves one evening under a waxing moon, kissing for the first time. She has longed for it, imagined how it would be, but when it comes, when Haru leans in to her, she feels like running. Should she open her mouth and taste him, let him taste her, as she had with Artie? She wants to reach up and put her arms around him, pull him to her, but something stops her, some reserve in him, the uncomfortable idea that she wants it more than he does.
He is unflatteringly measured in his approach, in the small pause he takes as though he is debating it, fighting it.
When he does kiss her, there is nothing of the fumbling boy in him, he isn't carried away as she is. His kiss is an accomplished kiss, not hungry as Artie's had been. Not as wholehearted either, she thinks.
It would have hurt her to know that after, when they had walked in silence back to Sewer Alley, he was already regretting it, wis.h.i.+ng that they had never gotten started. She is just a kid, after all, not that much older than Yumi. He doesn't want things to get complicated, messed up, doesn't want his mother and Tamura on his case, having expectations.
As the days pa.s.s, though, he can't deny that the scent of her, clean as a bolt of new cotton, the warm spread of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s pushed up against his chest, have stirred him up so that he can hardly think of anything else. A girl like her, offering herself, seems at once both shameful and irresistible.
”What's the matter with you these days, Haru?” Eriko asks. ”You are off somewhere in your head all the time. Tamura is still waiting for you to fix the split in her floor.”
”I'll get to it, Mother, just as soon as ...”
And he will. He will stop wasting time thinking of Satomi, keep it light with her. He has his plans, has held them too long to let a pretty face hold him back. It makes him uncomfortable that he thinks of her a hundred times a day, that she takes his mind off more important things.
”I know that you like Satomi,” Eriko says. ”I have seen you looking at her, but I don't think that she is for you. And even if she is, that is more reason for you to treat her with respect.”
”I'm not interested,” he insists. ”We're friends, that's all. We have things in common.”
”What things?”
”Well, this place, for a start, and she's intelligent, you know, interested in books and ideas. I can talk to her.”
The world as Haru had known it has slipped from his grasp, but he is determined to get it back. If he has to fight to be an American, then so be it. His family has worked hard to build the American dream. He believes in it still. Despite Manzanar, the stupid awful things that go on in the camp, he can't let the beautiful idea of the American dream go.
”I'm going to sign up just as soon as they'll let me. I'm going to sign up and fight for my country,” he warns Satomi.
”Some country,” she scoffs. ”It isn't our country anymore. We're the enemy”
”No, we're not, and that's the point. Why can't you see that?”
”It's not me that's blind, Haru.”
”Look, Sati, sometimes the things you love don't live up to your expectations. But you can't just give up on them, can you? Whatever you feel now, this is your country as much as anyone's.”
”I don't see how you can think that in this place. You'd have to be mad to think that.”
”I think it because all Americans are immigrants of one sort or another. Being white doesn't make you more American than if you're black or any color in between.”
”Hard to believe that when you're locked up for it, though.”
”No country in the world beats America, Sati. It's our home. We'll get over this.”
”Well, I'm going to get out of it just as soon as I can. I'm going to travel the world and never come back here.”
”What nationality will you put on your pa.s.sport?”
”Oh, I don't know. I don't have a choice, do I? It would have to be American, I guess.”
”Exactly, you don't have a choice. You are as American as the rest of us.”
Pioneers.
Haru says that they are pioneers at Manzanar, frontiers-people who must invent ways of coping with the little at hand they have to see them through.
”The j.a.panese are an ingenious people,” he says. ”We find answers to problems.”
But even he runs for cover when the dust storms come. Everyone does. Ingenious or not, no one has found an answer to them. Sucking up dirt on their way into camp, they rain it back down on Manzanar's inmates on their stampede out. The gales are impervious to whatever Manzanar puts up against them. When they blow, there is nothing to be done but to huddle inside and wait them out, to bear the gritty winds that banshee-howl through the cracks in their walls.
Satomi and Tamura, with their knees up to their chins and their heads down, squat together beside their stove under the cover of a blanket.
”We are so often buried alive in the dirt,” Eriko says, ”that death, when it comes, won't seem much different.”