Part 1 (2/2)
Sometimes, it's not so much the lack of communication that leads to the breakdown (for after all, aren't men less talkative and less spontaneous than women?), but the pattern of negative thinking that each spouse continually nurtures.
7 Dr. H.B. Biem, Separate Future. Centax Books. Saskatchewan, Canada. 1993.
16.It is surprising to learn how often trivial the reasons are for divorcing, because their personal frustrations and unresolved personal issues are often blown out of proportion.
The Case for Staying Married (It's still the best inst.i.tution there is!) inst.i.tution there is!) It all comes down to att.i.tude, doesn't it? Cynics have called marriage the ”old ball and chain.” Many happily married individuals disagree, because they don't see marriage as slavery and bondage, where one's natural instincts and desires have to play second fiddle to the happiness of the other half.
Happily married couples say that marriage has taught them to accept each other's strengths and possibilities. They argue that by doing that, they transform themselves from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
17.Marriage therefore is an ”enabling” form of situation where it means the freedom to be who they really are, to reach for the stars and discover what they are meant to be without ridicule or rejection.
Marriage and Happiness Many of us have read reports that drive home the message: married people are healthier and happier, and hence live longer than single or celibate individuals.
For one, there is the emotional support they receive when the going gets rough, and the fact that married life provides the opportunities to sustain communication between two people, even if one of the spouses just wants to vent out.
In fact one of the reasons people say they like being married is the a.s.surance that there is someone they can come home to at the end of a hard day.
18.For Better or For Worse...
”For better or for worse” is still very much a strong argument for getting and staying married. While some people would be too shy to admit it, the love and support in times of illness can speed up recovery.
People in fact like the ”for better or for worse” aspect of marriage because it tells them that no matter what happens, someone will be around.
It goes beyond having a security or safety net. It's the knowledge that they can count on someone when times are bad, and that alone generates a considerable degree of peace of mind and a sense of calm for the soul.
And here's a romantic but true - notion of marriage, to which happily married couples will agree: ”Marriage moves us from ego to we-go.
The single self s.h.i.+fts from me first to the sacred union of us us...values such as love, honesty, respect, fidelity and dependability form the engine of a good marriage. Little 19 kindnesses are the oil. Without the oil, it will grind. With it, it glides. ”8 ”8 And how about the simplest reasons for marriage such as: silly little jokes, hugs and cuddling, traveling together, laughing together, quiet times together, mutual friends, s.e.xual intimacy, pillow talk, kissing and making up? Can anyone really put a price tag on these simple pleasures?
Don't they echo the saying that the best things in life are free?
Oh yes, there is love in relations.h.i.+ps, but there is deeper love in a marriage that is on its way to its 25th or 50th year.
Sir Arthur Wing Pinero sums it nicely: ”those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” So did James Thurber: ”A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it to me like this: love is what love is what you've been through with somebody you've been through with somebody.
People who have remained happily married are those who realize gradually that there are actually two marriage 8 Paula Dore of Glenview, Illinois, who partic.i.p.ated in the National Marriage Encounter, an initiative that is all over the United States as compiled by Michael Leach and Therese J. Borchard (editors). I Like Being Married. Doubleday Books.
New York. 2002.
20.contracts, not just one.
The first contract is what everyone is familiar with the one that the priest in a wedding ceremony makes official. The second contract is what couples call the silent contract. It is secret, implicit and largely unconscious. It is this second contract that specifies standards and behaviours our partner should fulfill.
The distinguis.h.i.+ng characteristic of this contract is our secret belief that our own feelings, needs, and sense of what is right are most important. One's expectations of the other can carry risks and can lead to clashes, which couples try to resolve among themselves.
Unfortunately, as mentioned earlier, these conversations are rarely objective or fruitful, given that individuals rarely ask if their expectations are fair and reasonable they just complain endlessly. Happily married couples are those who understand this second silent contract and all of its ramifications.9 Happily married couples are those who continue to invest in the marriage, knowing that for love to flourish, it takes hard 9 Doctors Melvyn Kinder and Connell Cowan. Husbands and Wives: Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire. Clarkson N Potter Inc., New York. 1989.
21.work and substantial amounts of creativity.
Love and physical attraction may take the backseat, especially when the children arrive, but fulfilled couples know that they must stick it out, through thick and thin, for the sake of the emotional well-being of the children.
When couples think of others and not just themselves and make a continuing effort to make the marriage work, they've made the best investment they could ever make and they firmly believe in this.
The need to make the partners.h.i.+p work is often the secret of happy marriages. As Masters and Johnson said, ”Although these marriages may be loveless, they are not necessarily bad. Even good marriages are susceptible to a disappearance of love. ”10 ”10 Marriage and Instinct Dr. Mary Pipher, a therapist and anthropologist, points to 10 William Masters, Virginia Johnson, Robert Kolodny. Masters and Johnson on s.e.x and Human Loving. Little, Brown & Company, Ltd. USA. 1985.
22.the family as still an essential unit of the community. When people get married, their hopes are linked to building a home and family.
Dr. Pipher maintains that families are ancient inst.i.tutions.
She said that ever since humans crossed the savannas in search of food, our families have been unique...h.o.m.o sapiens needs families to survive, and bravo to those millions of parents who are trying hard to do the right thing.
Happily married people understand this very basic concept.
It is not just their own nucleus that needs caring, but the entire inst.i.tution of marriage and the social unit known as a family.
When marriages flourish, so do families, and as a result, communities all over the world also flourish. That is how societies become stronger and progressive. When the smallest unit survives, the larger ones survive.
23.”I write about families because I love them.
When I travel alone far from home, I think of my children's faces to calm myself down. I picture them smiling, studying, playing violin or volleyball. I picture my husband's face bent over his guitar or relaxed and fresh, the way it is on the mornings when we drink coffee together on the front porch. Those faces are my mandalas.
They comfort and secure me. The faces of those we love are the first, the primal, mandalas for us all. ”11 ”11 These are the sentiments that happily married people nurture and sustain in their hearts. If they focused on their mandalas instead of on their frustrations and unfulfilled desires, these are the people who have shown an incredible willingness of reaching out, of seeing past their own egos.
(Marriage is not the extension of the romance junkie phase.
It is equivalent to a long term commitment that emotionally 11 Doctor Mary Pipher. The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding our Families. G.P.
Putnam's Sons, New York. 1996.
24.intelligent husbands and wives understand fully.
They know, deep in their hearts, that love and pa.s.sion will not always be on the daily agenda, and may diminish as the responsibilities of their marriage take them to the next level family life.
To conclude this section, here is a statement extracted from the book, Anatomy of Love Anatomy of Love by Helen E. Fisher: by Helen E. Fisher: ”When Darwin used the term survival of the survival of the fittest, fittest, he was not referring to your good looks or your bank account; he was counting your children. If you raise babies that have babies, you are what nature calls fit. You have pa.s.sed your genes to the next generation and in terms of survival you have won...only in tandem can either men or women reproduce and pa.s.s on the beat of life.” he was not referring to your good looks or your bank account; he was counting your children. If you raise babies that have babies, you are what nature calls fit. You have pa.s.sed your genes to the next generation and in terms of survival you have won...only in tandem can either men or women reproduce and pa.s.s on the beat of life.”
25.How to Save Your Marriage We have painted the unpleasant side of divorce to help you realize that it may not necessarily be the solution to your unhappiness, and in the second section, we've advanced arguments to promote the numerous advantages of marriage and staying married.
But life does have hitches and will always be full of obstacles, threatening the stability of married life. We now offer some tips on how to save your marriage when you sense that it's on the rocks or needs a re-overhauling.
Recognizing Gender Differences Men and women perceive emotion, communication, s.e.x, fidelity, work and money because of the way they were socialized and because they have been shaped by their own parents' perceptions.
They bring these ideas into the marriage and hence have 26 their own baggage of beliefs regarding what is tolerable and intolerable in a marriage, what they have to give their spouse and what to expect in return.
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