Part 3 (1/2)

Nine p.m. approx. Supper arrives, wheeled in not by any old room-service waiter but the venerable Ambrose himself who, in addition to the bottle of Californian plonk we have ordered, brings us a frosted bottle of vintage Krug champagne in a silver ice bucket, priced on the wine list at $380 plus tax, which he proceeds to set out for us, together with two frosted gla.s.ses, a plate of very yummy-looking canapes, two damask napkins and a prepared speech, which he intones at full volume with his chest out and his hands pressed to his sides like a court copper.

'This very fine bottle of champagne comes to you folk courtesy of the one and only Mr Dima himself himself. Mr Dima, he says to thank you for' plucking a note from his s.h.i.+rt pocket together with a pair of reading spectacles 'he says, and I quote: ”Professor, I thanks you very heartily for a fine lesson in the great art of fair-play tennis and being an English gentleman. I also thanks you for saving me five thousand dollars of gamble.” Plus his compliments to the highly beautiful Miss Gail, and that's his message.'

We drink a couple of gla.s.ses of the Krug and agree to finish the rest in bed.

'What's Kobe beef?' Perry asks me, sometime during an eventful night.

'Ever rubbed a girl's tummy?' I ask him.

'Wouldn't dream of it,' Perry says, doing just that.

'Virgin cows,' I tell him. 'Reared on sake and best beer. Kobe cattle have their tummies ma.s.saged every night till they're ready for the chop. Plus they're prime intellectual property,' I add, which is also true, but I'm not sure he's listening any more. 'Our Chambers fought a lawsuit for them and won hooves down.'

Falling asleep, I have a prophetic dream that I am in Russia, and bad things are happening to small children in wartime black and white.

3.

Gail's sky is darkening, and so also is the bas.e.m.e.nt room. With the dying of the light, the wan ceiling lamp seems to burn more glumly over the table, and the brick walls have turned to black. Above them in the street the rumble of traffic has become sporadic. So have the shadowed feet trotting past the frosted half-moon windows. Big, genial Ollie with his one earring but without his beret has bustled in with four cups of tea and a plate of digestive biscuits and disappeared.

Although this is the same Ollie who picked them up from Gail's flat in a black cab earlier this evening, it is by now acknowledged that he is not a real real cab driver, despite the licence badge he sports on his ample chest. Ollie, according to Luke, 'keeps us all on the straight and narrow', but Gail doesn't buy this. A blue-stocking Scottish Calvinist is not in need of moral guidance, and for a gentleman jockey with a wandering eye and an armoury of upper-cla.s.s charm, it's way too late. cab driver, despite the licence badge he sports on his ample chest. Ollie, according to Luke, 'keeps us all on the straight and narrow', but Gail doesn't buy this. A blue-stocking Scottish Calvinist is not in need of moral guidance, and for a gentleman jockey with a wandering eye and an armoury of upper-cla.s.s charm, it's way too late.

Besides, Ollie has too much behind the eyes for his menial role, in Gail's opinion. She's also puzzled about his earring, whether it's a s.e.x-signal or just a lark. She's also puzzled about his voice. When she first heard it over the house entryphone in Primrose Hill, it was straight c.o.c.kney. As he chatted to them through the part.i.tion about the dismal weather we were having for May after that lovely April, and dear me how was the blossom ever going to recover from last night's deluge? she detected foreign underlays and his syntax began to break up. So what was his home tongue? Greek? Turkish? Hebrew? Or is the voice, like the single earring, an act he puts on to bamboozle us punters?

She wishes she'd never signed that b.l.o.o.d.y Declaration. She wishes Perry hadn't. Perry wasn't signing signing when he signed that form, he was when he signed that form, he was joining joining.

Friday was the last day of the Indian honeymooners' holiday, Perry is saying. They had therefore agreed to play the best of five sets instead of the usual three, and in consequence again missed breakfast.

'So we settled for a swim in the sea, and maybe brunch if we were hungry. We picked the busy end of the beach. It wasn't the bit we normally used, but we had our eye on the s.h.i.+pwreck Bar.'

His efficient tone, Gail recognizes. Perry the English tutor. Facts and short sentences. No abstract concepts. Let the story tell itself. They chose a sunshade, he is saying. They laid out their gear. They were heading for the water when a people carrier with blackened windows came to a halt in the NO PARKING NO PARKING bay. From it emerged first the baby-faced bodyguard, next the tam-o'-shanter man from the tennis match, now wearing shorts and a yellow buckskin waistcoat, but the tam-o'-shanter still firmly bay. From it emerged first the baby-faced bodyguard, next the tam-o'-shanter man from the tennis match, now wearing shorts and a yellow buckskin waistcoat, but the tam-o'-shanter still firmly in situ in situ. Then Elspeth, wife to Ambrose, and after her an inflated rubber crocodile with its jaws open, followed by Katya Perry says, parading his fabled powers of recall. And after Katya, exit an enormous red bouncy ball with a smiley face and grab handles which turned out to be the property of Irina, also dressed for the beach.

And finally Natasha emerged, he says, which is time for Gail to cut in. Natasha is my business, not yours Natasha is my business, not yours: 'But only after a stage delay, and just when we're thinking there's no one left in the people carrier,' says Gail. 'Dressed to kill in a Hakka-style lampshade hat and a cheongsam dress with toggle b.u.t.tons and Grecian sandals cross-tied round her ankles, and she's carting her leatherbound tome. After picking her way delicately delicately over the sand for all eyes to see, she then settles herself languidly under the furthest sunshade of the row and begins her over the sand for all eyes to see, she then settles herself languidly under the furthest sunshade of the row and begins her terribly serious terribly serious reading. Right, Perry?' reading. Right, Perry?'

'If you say so,' says Perry awkwardly, and jerks himself back in his chair as if to distance himself from her.

'I do say so. But the truly eerie eerie thing, the really thing, the really spooky spooky thing,' she goes on stridently, now that Natasha is safely out of the way again, 'was that each member of the party, big or small, knew thing,' she goes on stridently, now that Natasha is safely out of the way again, 'was that each member of the party, big or small, knew exactly exactly where to go and what to do as soon as they hit the beach.' where to go and what to do as soon as they hit the beach.'

The baby-faced bodyguard headed straight for the s.h.i.+pwreck Bar, and ordered a can of root beer which he made last for the next two hours, she says, clinging to the initiative. The tam-o'-shanter man, despite his bulk a cousin cousin, according to Mark, one of the many cousins cousins from Perm in Russia, the city not the hairdo scaled the rickety steps of a lifeguard's lookout, hauled a rubber ring from his buckskin waistcoat, blew it up and sat on it, presumably for his piles. The two little girls, followed at a distance by the ample Elspeth with her bulging basket, came walking down the sand slope to where Perry and Gail had made their camp, bearing their crocodile and bouncy ball. from Perm in Russia, the city not the hairdo scaled the rickety steps of a lifeguard's lookout, hauled a rubber ring from his buckskin waistcoat, blew it up and sat on it, presumably for his piles. The two little girls, followed at a distance by the ample Elspeth with her bulging basket, came walking down the sand slope to where Perry and Gail had made their camp, bearing their crocodile and bouncy ball.

'Walking again,' Gail overemphasizes for Yvonne's benefit. 'Not hopping, skipping or yelling. again,' Gail overemphasizes for Yvonne's benefit. 'Not hopping, skipping or yelling. Walking Walking, and looking as tight-lipped and bug-eyed as they had at the tennis court. Irina with her thumb in her mouth and a big scowl, Katya's voice about as friendly as a speaking clock: ”Will you swim with us, please, Miss Gail?” So I I said hoping to loosen things up a bit, I suppose ”Miss Katya, Mr Perry and I will be most honoured to swim with you.” So we swam. Didn't we?' to Perry, who having nodded his a.s.sent, again insisted on putting his hand on hers, either in a gesture of support or to steady her down, she wasn't sure which, but the result either way was the same; she was forced to close her eyes and wait several seconds before she was ready to resume, which she did in another gush. said hoping to loosen things up a bit, I suppose ”Miss Katya, Mr Perry and I will be most honoured to swim with you.” So we swam. Didn't we?' to Perry, who having nodded his a.s.sent, again insisted on putting his hand on hers, either in a gesture of support or to steady her down, she wasn't sure which, but the result either way was the same; she was forced to close her eyes and wait several seconds before she was ready to resume, which she did in another gush.

'It was a total total set-up. set-up. We We knew it was a set-up. The knew it was a set-up. The children children knew it was a set-up. But if ever two girls needed a splash-about with a crocodile and a bouncing ball, these two did, right, Perry?' knew it was a set-up. But if ever two girls needed a splash-about with a crocodile and a bouncing ball, these two did, right, Perry?'

'Absolutely,' says Perry enthusiastically.

'So Irina battened on to my hand and practically frogmarched frogmarched me into the water. Katya and Perry came after us with the crocodile. And all the time I was thinking: where on earth are their parents and why are we doing this instead of them? I didn't ask Katya outright. I suppose I had some sort of premonition it might be a bad question. A divorce situation, something like that. So I asked her who the nice gentleman in the hat was, the one sitting on the ladder? Uncle Vanya, says Katya. Great, I say, who's Uncle Vanya? Answer, just an uncle. From Perm? Yes, from Perm. No further explanation offered. Like: we don't go to school in Rome any more. Have I foot-faulted yet, Perry?' me into the water. Katya and Perry came after us with the crocodile. And all the time I was thinking: where on earth are their parents and why are we doing this instead of them? I didn't ask Katya outright. I suppose I had some sort of premonition it might be a bad question. A divorce situation, something like that. So I asked her who the nice gentleman in the hat was, the one sitting on the ladder? Uncle Vanya, says Katya. Great, I say, who's Uncle Vanya? Answer, just an uncle. From Perm? Yes, from Perm. No further explanation offered. Like: we don't go to school in Rome any more. Have I foot-faulted yet, Perry?'

'Not at all.'

'Then I'll continue.'

For a while, the sun and sea do their job, she goes on: 'The girls splash and leap around and Perry is a complete riot complete riot as mighty Poseidon rising from the deep and making his sea-monster noises no, honestly, you as mighty Poseidon rising from the deep and making his sea-monster noises no, honestly, you were were, Perry, you were marvellous marvellous, admit it.'

Exhausted, they stagger ash.o.r.e, the girls to be dried, dressed and sun-creamed by Elspeth.

'But within literally seconds seconds they're back, squatting on the edge of my towel. And one they're back, squatting on the edge of my towel. And one look look at their faces tells me the gloomy shadows are still there, they've just been hiding. Right, I think: ice creams and fizzies. Perry, this is man's work, I tell him, do your duty. Right, Perry?' at their faces tells me the gloomy shadows are still there, they've just been hiding. Right, I think: ice creams and fizzies. Perry, this is man's work, I tell him, do your duty. Right, Perry?'

Fizzies? she repeats to herself. Why am I sounding like my b.l.o.o.d.y mother again? Because I'm another failed actress with a six-acre voice that gets louder the longer I speak. she repeats to herself. Why am I sounding like my b.l.o.o.d.y mother again? Because I'm another failed actress with a six-acre voice that gets louder the longer I speak.

'Right,' Perry agrees belatedly.

'And off he strides to get them, don't you? Caramel-and-nut cones for everybody, pineapple juice for the girls. But when Perry comes to sign sign for them, the barman tells him everything is paid for. Who by?' she gallops on with the same false gaiety 'By Vanya! By the ever-so-kind fat uncle in the tam-o'-shanter stuck up on the ladder. But for them, the barman tells him everything is paid for. Who by?' she gallops on with the same false gaiety 'By Vanya! By the ever-so-kind fat uncle in the tam-o'-shanter stuck up on the ladder. But Perry Perry, being Perry, you can't be doing with this, can you?'

Awkward shake of the elongated head to say he's out of earshot on the cliff face, but has got the message.

'He's pathologically uncomfortable freeloading on someone else's tab, aren't you? And this is someone you don't even know know. So up the ladder Perry goes to tell Uncle Vanya, very kind of him and all that, but he prefers to pay his own way.'

She dries. With none of her desperate levity, Perry takes up the story for her: 'I went up the ladder where Vanya was sitting on his rubber ring. I ducked under the sunshade to say my piece and found myself staring at a very large black pistol b.u.t.t sticking out from under his gut. He'd unb.u.t.toned his buckskin waistcoat in the heat, and there it was, bright as day. I don't know guns, thank G.o.d. Don't want to. You people do, no doubt. This one was family size,' he says regretfully, and an eloquent silence falls as he shoots a plaintive glance at Gail and receives no answering look for his pains.

'And you didn't think to comment, Perry?' deft little Luke suggests, ever the one to paper over gaps. 'On the gun, I mean.'

'No I did not. I reckoned he hadn't seen that I'd noticed, so I decided it was tactically sensible of me not to have noticed either. I thanked him for the ice cream and went back down the ladder to where Gail was chatting to the girls.'

Luke reflects on this in a rather intense way. Something seems to have got under his skin. Could it perhaps be the tricky question of spy's etiquette that was bothering him? What do you do if you see a chap's gun sticking out of his waistcoat and you don't know him very well? Tell him it's showing, or just ignore it? Like when someone you don't know very well hasn't done their zip up.

The Scottish blue-stocking Yvonne decides to help Luke out of his dilemma: 'In English English, Perry?' she asks severely. 'You thanked him in English English, I take it. Did he reply reply in English at all?' in English at all?'

'He didn't reply in any language. However, I did notice that he was wearing a black mourning b.u.t.ton pinned to his waistcoat, something I hadn't seen for a long time. And you you didn't know they existed, did you?' he demanded accusingly. didn't know they existed, did you?' he demanded accusingly.

Puzzled by his aggression, Gail shakes her head. It's true, Perry. Guilty as charged. I didn't know about mourning b.u.t.tons and now I do, so you can get on with the story, can't you?

'And it didn't occur to you to alert the hotel, for instance, Perry?' Luke asks doggedly. '”There's a Russian with a family-size gun sitting up in the lifeguard's lookout”?'

'Many possibilities suggested themselves, Luke, and that was no doubt one of them,' Perry replies, his bout of aggression not yet run out. 'But what on earth was the hotel supposed to do? There was every indication that, if Dima didn't actually own the place, he had it in his pocket. Anyway, we had the children to consider: whether it was right to make a fuss in front of everyone. We decided it wasn't.'

'And the island's police authorities? You didn't think of them?' Luke again.

'We had four more days. We didn't intend to spend them making dramatic statements to the police about goings-on they were probably up to their necks in anyway.'