Part 8 (1/2)

Most of me wants to kiss her again, especially now that the door is open and she's standing right in front of me.

”Want to come in for a little while?” she asks. ”She won't be back for a few hours, at least.”

I nod. I wonder if she loves my nod as much as I love hers.

She shuts the door behind me, and I look around. Their apartment is small. I've never lived in a place this small. I think I like it. The smaller the house, the more a family is forced to love one another. They have no extra s.p.a.ce not to. It makes me wish my dad and I would get a smaller place. A place where we'd be forced to interact. A place where we'd stop having to pretend that my mother didn't leave way too much s.p.a.ce in our house after she died.

Rachel walks to the kitchen. She asks me if I want something to drink.

I follow her and ask her what she has. She tells me she has pretty much everything except milk, tea, soda, coffee, juice, and alcohol. ”I hope you like water,” she says. She laughs at herself.

I laugh with her. ”Water is perfect. Would have been my first choice.”

She gets us each a gla.s.s of water. We lean against opposite counters.

We stare at each other.

I shouldn't have kissed her last night.

”I shouldn't have kissed you, Rachel.”

”I shouldn't have let you,” she tells me.

We stare at each other some more. I'm wondering if she would let me kiss her again. I'm wondering if I should leave.

”It'll be easy to stop this,” I say.

I'm lying.

”No, it won't,” she says.

She's telling the truth.

”You think they'll get married?”

She nods. For some reason, I don't love this nod as much. I don't love the question it's answering.

”Miles?”

She looks down at her feet. She says my name like it's a gun and she's firing a warning shot and I'm supposed to run.

I sprint. ”What?”

”We only rented the apartment for a month. I overheard her on the phone with him yesterday.” She looks back up at me.

”We're moving in with you in two weeks.”

I trip over the hurdle.

She's moving in with me.

She'll be living in my house.

Her mother is going to fill all my mother's empty s.p.a.ces.

I close my eyes. I still see Rachel.

I open my eyes. I stare at Rachel.

I turn around and grip the counter. I let my head fall between my shoulders. I don't know what to do. I don't want to like her.

I don't want to fall in love with you, Rachel.

I'm not stupid. I know how l.u.s.t works.

l.u.s.t wants what l.u.s.t can't have.

l.u.s.t wants me to have Rachel.

Reasoning wants Rachel to go away.

I take Reasoning's side, and I turn to face Rachel again. ”This won't go anywhere,” I tell her. ”Thisthing with us. It won't end well.”

”I know,” she whispers.

”How do we stop it?” I ask her.

She looks at me, hoping I'll answer my own question.

I can't.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

LOUD, DEAFENING SILENCE.

I want to cover my ears with my hands.

I want to cover my heart with armor.

I don't even know you, Rachel.

”I should leave,” I say.