Part 7 (1/2)

Not so the audience. The avenging host is just getting busy. The bombing-parties are now marshalled and proceed with awful solemnity and Teutonic thoroughness to clear the violated trench. The procedure of a bombing-party is stereotyped. They begin by lobbing hand-grenades over the first traverse into the first bay. After the ensuing explosion, they trot round the traverse in single file and occupy the bay. This manoeuvre is then repeated until the entire trench is cleared. The whole operation requires good discipline, considerable courage, and carefully timed co-operation with the other bombing-party. In all these attributes the Boche excels. But one thing is essential to the complete success of his efforts, and that is the presence of the enemy. When, after methodically desolating each bay in turn (and incidentally killing their own wounded in the process), the two parties meet midway--practically on top of the unfortunate Hans Dumpkopf, who is still giving an imitation of a tortoise in a corrugated sh.e.l.l--it is discovered that the beautifully executed counter-attack has achieved nothing but the recapture of an entirely empty trench. The birds have flown, taking their prey with them. Hans is the sole survivor, and after hearing what his officer has to say to him upon the subject, bitterly regrets the fact.

Meanwhile, in the British trenches a few yards away, the box-office returns are being made up. These take the form, firstly, of some twenty-five prisoners, including one indignant officer--he had been pulled from his dug-out half asleep and frog-marched across the British lines by two private soldiers well qualified to appreciate the richness of his language--together with various souvenirs in the way of arms and accoutrements; and secondly, of the knowledge that at least as many more of the enemy had been left permanently incapacitated for further warfare in the dug-outs. A grim and grisly drama when you come to criticise it in cold blood, but not without a certain humour of its own--and most educative for Brother Boche!

But he is a slow pupil. He regards the profession of arms and the pursuit of war with such intense and solemn reverence that he _cannot_ conceive how any one calling himself a soldier can be so criminally frivolous as to write a farce round the subject--much less present the farce at a Flying Matinee. That possibly explains why the following stately paragraph appeared a few days later in the periodical communique which keeps the German nation in touch with its Army's latest exploits:--

_During the night of Jan. 4th-5th attempts were made by strong detachments of the enemy to penetrate our line near Sloozleschump, S.E. of Ypres. The attack failed utterly_.

”And they don't even realise that it was only a leg-pull!” commented the Company Commander who had stage-managed the affair. ”These people simply don't deserve to have entertainments arranged for them at all.

Well, we must pull the limb again, that's all!”

And it was so.

IV

THE PUSH THAT FAILED

I

”I wonder if they really mean business this time,” surmised that youthful Company Commander, Temporary Captain Bobby Little, to Major Wagstaffe.

”It sounds like it,” said Wagstaffe, as another salvo of ”whizz-bangs”

broke like inflammatory surf upon the front-line trenches.

”Intermittent _strafes_ we are used to, but this all-day performance seems to indicate that the Boche is really getting down to it for once. The whole proceeding reminds me of nothing so much as our own 'artillery preparation' before the big push at Loos.”

”Then you think the Boches are going to make a push of their own?”

”I do; and I hope it will be a good fat one. When it comes, I fancy we shall be able to put up something rather pretty in the way of a defence. The Salient is stiff with guns--I don't think the Boche quite realises _how_ stiff! And we owe the swine something!” he added through his teeth.

There was a pause in the conversation. You cannot hold the Salient for three months without paying for the distinction; and the regiment had paid its full share. Not so much in numbers, perhaps, as in quality.

Stray bullets, whistling up and down the trenches, coming even obliquely from the rear, had exacted most grievous toll. Sh.e.l.ls and trench-mortar bombs, taking us in flank, had extinguished many valuable lives. At this time nothing but the best seemed to satisfy the Fates. One day it would be a trusted colour-sergeant, on another a couple of particularly promising young corporals. Only last week the Adjutant--athlete, scholar, born soldier, and very lovable schoolboy, all most perfectly blended--had fallen mortally wounded, on his morning round of the fire-trenches, by a bullet which came from nowhere. He was the subject of Wagstaffe's reference.

”Is it not possible,” suggested Mr. Waddell, who habitually considered all questions from every possible point of view, ”that this bombardment has been specially initiated by the German authorities, in order to impress upon their own troops a warning that there must be no Christmas truce this year?”

”If that is the Kaiser's Christmas greeting to his loving followers,”

observed Wagstaffe drily, ”I think he might safely have left it to us to deliver it!”

”They say,” interposed Bobby Little, ”that the Kaiser is here himself.”

”How do you know?”

”It was rumoured in 'Comic Cuts.'” (”Comic Cuts” is the stately Summary of War Intelligence issued daily from Olympus.)

”If that is true,” said Wagstaffe, ”they probably will attack. All this fuss and bobbery suggest something of the kind. They remind me of the commotion which used to precede Arthur Roberts's entrance in the old days of Gaiety burlesque. Before your time, I fancy, Bobby?”

”Yes,” said Bobby modestly. ”I first found touch with the Gaiety over 'Our Miss Gibbs.' And I was quite a kid even then,” he added, with characteristic honesty. ”But what about Arthur Roberts?”

”Some forty or fifty years ago,” explained Wagstaffe, ”when I was in the habit of frequenting places of amus.e.m.e.nt, Arthur Roberts was leading man at the establishment to which I have referred. He usually came on about half-past eight, just as the show was beginning to lose its first wind. His entrance was a most tremendous affair. First of all the entire chorus blew in from the wings--about sixty of them in ten seconds--saying ”Hurrah, hurrah, girls!” or something rather subtle of that kind; after which minor characters rushed on from opposite sides and told one another that Arthur Roberts was coming.

Then the band played, and everybody began to tell the audience about it in song. When everything was in full blast, the great man would appear--stepping out of a bathing-machine, or falling out of a hansom-cab, or sliding down a chute on a toboggan. He was a.s.sisted to his feet by the chorus, and then proceeded to ginger the show up.