Part 2 (1/2)

”Oh my G.o.d. I am so sorry.” She wiped at the polish, smearing it over a larger area.

I yanked my arm back. This was my mom's sweats.h.i.+rt. The one she wore when she went to Yale. It was one of the only things of hers that I had with me at school. Tears rushed into my eyes. It was ruined.

”I'm such a spaz. I'll buy you a new s.h.i.+rt.” The freshman girl looked like she was ready to start crying too. The other girls had taken a slight step away from her in order to distance themselves from her certain social suicide. I swallowed the tight knot in my throat. She hadn't meant to do anything. It was my own fault. I shouldn't have worn the s.h.i.+rt if I didn't want anything to ever happen to it.

”It's okay,” I managed to whisper. I waved her hands away before she could smear the polish further. ”I really have to get going.” I hustled back down the hall to my room.

I shut my door behind me and slid down to the floor. I couldn't believe that had happened. I pulled off the sweats.h.i.+rt and looked at the stain. I buried my face into the s.h.i.+rt. I bet my mom would have known how to get nail polish out in the wash. Today was turning into a c.r.a.ppy day. I would have gladly traded the Bette Davis dress to have my mom's faded sweats.h.i.+rt back without a big blob of Candy Apple Red Kiss on it.

I looked over at the clock. It was getting late. I knew I could either lie on the floor and feel sorry for myself or I could get working on the stupid time line so I could get at least a few hours of sleep. I fired up my computer, and there was the ping ping indicating new mail. It was from my dad. I clicked on it with a smile; his e-mails always put me in a good mood. But as soon as I read the first few lines, my stomach clenched tight. indicating new mail. It was from my dad. I clicked on it with a smile; his e-mails always put me in a good mood. But as soon as I read the first few lines, my stomach clenched tight.

Hailey-I hope your cla.s.ses are going well. I have some bad news; there's been a change of plans. I've been asked to teach a lecture series in London. The company is going to sponsor the program, and it's an excellent public relations move. It will likely result in an increase in funding for several projects. This means someone else will be heading up the training project in Tahoe this summer.I hate to cancel our plans, but I know you'll understand. I've talked to your grandparents, and they would love to have you again. I called in a favor and was able to get you a job in the Munson Hospital Lab up there. Heck, you'll get to spend your whole summer at the beach. You won't even notice I'm not there. My lectures will wrap up in August, and we can spend some time together then, and we'll pick you out whatever you like for a graduation present. About the party you planned, your grandparents can't have all your friends at the house, but you could invite a few of them. I bet they'll love the beach too! Besides, sometimes a small group can be more fun than having everyone.Love, Dad I stared at the computer screen. I hoped that if I stared long enough, the words would rearrange themselves into a different message. This couldn't be happening. He was canceling. I'd done everything I could do to be the perfect daughter, and it still didn't matter. I felt like I was going to throw up, that sour slick of spit sticking in the back of my throat. I picked my iPod up off the bed and hurled it across the room. It left a scar on the wood and made a clunk when it hit the floor. That made me feel a little bit better. I looked around for something else to destroy. I grabbed my pillow and yanked open the drawer in my desk, pulling it almost completely out. I took the scissors and stabbed them into the center of the pillow. That's what I thought of his fancy lecture series and his acting like changing my party plans was no big deal. I stabbed the pillow again. A poof of tiny white down feathers flew out, and as I pulled out the scissors, more began floating up into the air. I felt my breath coming faster.

I stood up and kicked my mom's sweats.h.i.+rt out of my way so I didn't have to look at the ruined sleeve. I took my bag and turned it upside down, dumping everything onto the floor. I shoved my history book out of my way, s.n.a.t.c.hed my cell phone from the pile, and immediately called Tristan. His cell didn't pick up. He never charged the d.a.m.n thing. What was the point of having a cell phone if you didn't have it on when people needed to reach you? I was so frustrated, I wanted to scream. I scrolled through my list and stabbed a b.u.t.ton. Joel picked up on the first ring.

”Is Tristan there?”

”Hi, this is Joel. Nice talking to you. Usually when people call my phone, they're calling to talk to me.”

”I need to talk to Tristan.” My voice snagged on the words. Suddenly the anger was sharing s.p.a.ce with tears. I was even madder that I felt like crying.

”Hey, are you okay?” Joel's voice turned soft. ”Tristan's not here.”

”Where is he?” My voice came out small. ”Can you get him? I really need him.”

”He's in a study group down in our lounge. He's not supposed to be back until late. Do you want me to get him?”

The tears started to pour out of my eyes, laser hot as they slid down my face.

”Hailey? You still there? What's wrong?”

”I . . .” My voice trailed off. I didn't know how to explain it. How it hurt that my dad didn't want me around, and how it was even more upsetting that I'd let myself be so excited about the summer, when I should have known better. ”You tell him I called?” I squeaked out.

”Yeah. I'll tell him to call you the second he walks in. Listen, you can talk to me about whatever . . .”

I clicked off the phone without even saying good-bye. My feet tapped on the floor. I couldn't just sit there. I felt like I was going to fly apart into a thousand pieces. I yanked my door open and stepped out into the hallway right into the path of our dorm matron, Ms. Estes.

”Ms. Kendrick,” she said in her clipped voice.

”I have to go out for a bit.”

”I'm afraid it's after eleven.” She pointed to her naked wrist as if she were wearing a watch. Evesham required all students to be in their dorms from eleven p.m. to six a.m. on weeknights. No exceptions.

”I-I need to get some air.” I could feel myself shaking. She stood there, unmoving. Ms. Estes had never met a rule she didn't like to enforce. I wanted to push her out of my way, but instead I stepped back into my room and slammed my door closed.

”Two demerit points, Ms. Kendrick.” I heard her say through the door. Without even seeing her, I knew she was writing it down in the small Snoopy notebook she carried in her pocket, just for these occasions. I kicked the door when I was sure she was far enough down the hall not to hear. My toe gave a loud crack. I bit down to avoid yelling out. I hopped around on one foot. It felt like I had broken my big toe.

I hobbled back and forth in front of my bed, trying to shake off the pain. My phone rang, and I lunged over to grab it. Thank G.o.d, Tristan Thank G.o.d, Tristan. I looked at the display. It wasn't Tristan; it was Joel. I threw it back down onto the bed without picking up the call. It felt like I couldn't get a deep breath. I yanked open the window and took deep greedy gulps of air. I don't remember making the decision. There wasn't a go-or-don't-go pause. It's hard to know what would have happened if I had stopped to think, but I didn't. One second I was in the room, and the next I was climbing down the ivy outside the window, jumping the last few feet down to the ground. I stood outside for a beat, looking back at the warm yellow light of my room, and then I took off.

5.

The problem with running away at Evesham was that there really wasn't anywhere to go. It wasn't because the campus has a giant wall around it, though it does, but because the school is several miles outside of town. Wandering around in the woods on a dark and drizzling night didn't feel like getting away with anything. It just felt wet and cold.

I paused by the front gate, next to a giant statue of the school mascot, a knight in armor holding a sword pointing toward the sky. Everyone on campus called him the Tin Man. Evesham was named after a famous battle in England in the thirteenth century. The Evesham motto-”Loyalty, Duty, and Honor”-was inscribed in bra.s.s letters around the statue's base.

That was a laugh. Loyalty and duty. Look how far that had gotten me. I was always was the one who smoothed things over, who gave in to make things work. The school could act like loyalty and duty were virtues, but my experience had taught me that all it made you was a doormat. I bent over and picked up a clot of wet mud. I stared at the statue, almost expecting the knight to beg me to reconsider, but he just stood there with his smug unreadable expression. I pulled back and let the mud fly. It smacked him in the head with a surprisingly loud splat splat.

”Screw loyalty,” I said, hurling another ball of mud. ”And duty, too.” I was bending over, scooping handfuls of mud, and throwing them as fast as I could at the statue. I was a lousy athlete most of the time, but rage was doing a great job of improving my aim. The mud was sliding down the side of the statue, and occasionally a ping ping would ring out as a rock hit the metal. would ring out as a rock hit the metal.

”Whoa. What did he do to you?” a voice said behind me.

I whirled around, ready to bolt. I could make out a figure in the dark but couldn't see his face clearly. He took a step forward. It was Joel.

I dropped the clot of mud in my hand. My jeans were coated in grime, and I could tell it was in my hair, too. I looked over my shoulder at the statue in case he had anything to add that might help me explain.

”I came to make sure you were okay,” Joel said, his voice calm and slow as if he were speaking to someone who might snap at any moment, which, given the circ.u.mstances, was probably a good strategy. ”I tried calling you back a few times, but you didn't pick up.”

”I'm not okay,” I said, my voice small.

He didn't say anything else. Joel crossed the few feet that separated us and pulled me into a hug, despite the fact that I was soaking wet and dirty. ”It's all right. You're going to be okay, though, I promise.”

I leaned into the hug, and he squeezed me tight before pulling away and plunking me down on the closest bench. I started bawling like a two-year-old and then spilled the whole story about my relations.h.i.+p with my dad and everything else that had happened. ”I know it's no big deal. In the big scheme of things, we're talking summer plans, not starving children or a collapsing world economy or anything.” I shrugged, hoping to give the impression that I was working myself closer to sanity and off the emotional edge.

”It seems like a big deal to me. He gave you his word. He made a promise.”

”But this conference is a big deal. He'll have a chance to pull in all sorts of funding.”

”But he had you make all these plans and invite all these people over for a summer blowout, only to leave you in a lurch. Besides, this is still his last chance to have time with you before you go off to college.”

”Yeah, but I'm not going to school in Borneo or anything. I could still come home during the summers.” I wiped my nose with my sleeve.

”Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” Joel asked. I jumped a bit at the unexpected question. He laughed at my expression. ”You're busted, Kendrick. You're ticked. It's fine to be p.i.s.sed at your dad. Anger isn't a bad thing.”

”I'm not mad. I'm disappointed,” I clarified.

Joel laughed harder. ”Disappointed, huh? Do you always hurl things at statues when you're disappointed?”

I looked at my hands. They were covered in mud, and I had broken two fingernails. Busted. I was mad. In fact, it was possible I had left mad behind, whipped through angry, and was plunk in the middle of really p.i.s.sed off. I had been disappointed disappointed that my dad seemed fine with me living far away at boarding school. I felt that my dad seemed fine with me living far away at boarding school. I felt let down let down that when I got straight A's, won state champions.h.i.+ps in debate, and made student government, all he did was pat me absently on the head like a good puppy who had managed to bring back a stick without peeing on the rug. I was that when I got straight A's, won state champions.h.i.+ps in debate, and made student government, all he did was pat me absently on the head like a good puppy who had managed to bring back a stick without peeing on the rug. I was b.u.mmed b.u.mmed that my dad was so disinterested in my life that he could barely remember the names of my friends when he did see me, but this was a whole new level of ticked off. I felt my eyes fill up with tears again. that my dad was so disinterested in my life that he could barely remember the names of my friends when he did see me, but this was a whole new level of ticked off. I felt my eyes fill up with tears again.

”He's my dad, and he acts like he wants to forget I even exist.”

”No one could forget you.” Joel tipped my chin up so we were looking eye to eye. ”You're the kind of person that makes an impression.”

”What kind of impression? Sometimes I feel like I'm not even being me. That everything is this big show. The amazing Hailey Kendrick. The worst part is, I'm trying to impress someone who isn't even paying attention, and I don't even know who I really am. I wander around here like I'm starring in a reality show, always being nice and making sure my hair is perfect. I'm the Polly Perfect Popular girl.”