Part 19 (1/2)
”But my desire is only for him. Nothing-no one else-can relieve it. I know I must try to live without him. I have duties to my family that I must-I will-carry out. But if he is dead, you must tell me.”
”I will write to Kenji,” s.h.i.+zuka promised. ”I'll send Kondo tomorrow, though we cannot really spare him...”
”Send him,” Kaede said.
s.h.i.+zuka made an infusion from the willow twigs that Is.h.i.+da had left, and persuaded Kaede to drink it, but her sleep was restless and in the morning she was listless and feverish.
Is.h.i.+da came, applied mugwort and used his needles, rebuking her gently for not taking better care of herself.
”It's not serious,” he told s.h.i.+zuka when they stepped outside. ”It will pa.s.s in a day or two. She is too sensitive and makes too many demands on herself. She should marry.”
”She will only agree to marry one man-and that is impossible,” s.h.i.+zuka said.
”The father of the child?”
s.h.i.+zuka nodded. ”Yesterday she heard a rumor that he was dead. The fever started then.”
”Ah.” His eyes had a thoughtful, faraway look. She wondered what or whom he was remembering from his youth.
”I fear the coming months,” she said. ”Once we are closed in by snow, I am afraid she will begin to brood.”
”I have a letter for her from Lord Fujiwara. He would like her to visit him and stay for a few days. The change of scene may help to lift her spirits and distract her.”
”Lord Fujiwara is too kind to this house and pays us too great an attention.” s.h.i.+zuka used the formal words of thanks automatically as she took the letter. She was acutely aware of the man next to her, of their hands touching briefly. The distant look in his eyes had sparked something in her. During Kaede's illness they had spent many hours together, and she had come to admire his patience and skill. He was kind, unlike most men she had known.
”Will you come again tomorrow?” she said, glancing at him.
”Of course. You can give me Lady Kaede's reply to the letter. You will accompany her to Lord Fujiwaras?”
”Of course!” She repeated his words playfully. He smiled and touched her again, deliberately, on the arm. The pressure of his fingers made her s.h.i.+ver. It was so long since she had slept with a man. She had a sudden strong desire to feel his hands all over her body; she wanted to lie down with him and hold him. He deserved it for his kindness.
”Till tomorrow,” he said, his eyes warm, as if he had recognized her feelings and shared them.
She slipped into her sandals and ran to call the servants with the palanquin.
Kaede's fever subsided, and by evening she had recovered some of her energy. She had lain still all day, warm under a huge pile of quilts, next to the brazier that Ayame had insisted on lighting, thinking about the future. Takeo might be dead; the child certainly was. Her heart wanted only to follow them to the next world, but her reason told her it would be sheer weakness to throw her life away and abandon those who depended on her. A woman might act like that; a man in her position never would.
s.h.i.+zuka is right, she thought, she thought, there is only one person I know who can help me now. I must see what arrangement I can come to with Fujiwara. there is only one person I know who can help me now. I must see what arrangement I can come to with Fujiwara.
s.h.i.+zuka gave her the letter that Is.h.i.+da had brought that morning. Fujiwara had also sent gifts for the new year, specially shaped rice cakes, dried sardines and sweetened chestnuts, rolled kelp and rice wine. Hana and Ai were busy in the kitchen, helping to prepare for the festival.
”He flatters me; he writes in men's language saying he knows I understand it,” Kaede said. ”But there are so many characters I don't know.” She sighed deeply. ”There's so much I need to learn. Is one winter going to be enough?”
”Will you go to Lord Fujiwaras?”
”I suppose so. He might teach me. Do you think he would?”
”There's nothing he'd like more,” s.h.i.+zuka said dryly.
”I thought he would want nothing more to do with me, but he says he has been waiting for my recovery. I am better-as well as I will ever be.” Kaede's voice was doubtful. ”I must be better. I have to look after my sisters, my land, my men.”
”As I've said many times, Fujiwara is your best ally in this.”
”Maybe not the best: the only. But I don't really trust him. What does he want from me?”
”What do you you want from want from him!” him!” s.h.i.+zuka replied. s.h.i.+zuka replied.
”That's simple: on the one hand, learning; on the other, money and food to raise an army and feed it. But what do I offer him in return?”
s.h.i.+zuka wondered if she should mention Fujiwara's desire for marriage, but decided against it, fearing it would disturb Kaede to the point of fever again. Let the n.o.bleman speak for himself. She was sure he would.
”He addresses me as Lady s.h.i.+rakawa. I am ashamed to face him, after deceiving him.”
”He will have learned of your father's wishes regarding your name,” s.h.i.+zuka said. ”Everyone knows that your father named you as his heir before his death. We have made sure of that.”
Kaede glanced at her to see if she was mocking her, but s.h.i.+zuka's face was serious. ”Of course, I had to do as my father requested,” Kaede agreed.
”There is nothing else Lord Fujiwara needs to know, then. Filial obedience comes before everything.”
”So K'ung Fu-Tzu tells me,” Kaede said. ”Lord Fujiwara needs needs to know nothing else but I suspect he to know nothing else but I suspect he wants wants to know a great deal more. If he is still interested in me, that is.” to know a great deal more. If he is still interested in me, that is.”
”He will be,” s.h.i.+zuka a.s.sured her, thinking that Kaede was more beautiful than ever. Her illness and grief had removed the last traces of childishness from her and had given her expression depth and mystery.
They celebrated the new year with Fujiwara's gifts, and ate buckwheat noodles, and black beans that Ayame had put away at the end of the summer. At midnight they went to the temple and listened to the priests' chanting and the bells' tolling for the extinction of human pa.s.sions. Kaede knew she should pray to be freed from them all and to be purified, but found herself asking for what she most desired- for Takeo to be alive-and then for money and power.
The following day the women of the household took candles, incense, and lanterns, wrinkled mandarins, sweet chestnuts, and dried persimmons, and went to the caves where the s.h.i.+rakawa river emerged from a series of underground caverns. Here they performed their own ceremonies before the rock that the water had turned into the shape of the White G.o.ddess. No men were ever supposed to come into this place; if they did, the mountain might fall and the s.h.i.+rakawa might be extinguished. An aged couple lived behind the shrine at the entrance to the cave; only the old woman went inside to take offerings to the G.o.ddess. Kaede knelt on the damp rock, listening to the ancient voice mumble words she hardly knew the meaning of. She thought of her mother and Lady Maruyama and asked for their help and their intercession. She realized how much this holy place meant to her, and she felt that the G.o.ddess was watching over her.
The next day she went to Lord Fujiwara's. Hana was bitterly disappointed at being left behind, and wept when she had to say goodbye not only to Kaede but also to s.h.i.+zuka.
”It's only for a few days,” Kaede said.
”Why can't I come with you?”
”Lord Fujiwara did not invite you. Besides, you would hate it there. You would have to behave properly, speak in formal language, and sit still most of the day.”
”Will you hate it?”
”I expect I will,” Kaede sighed.
”At least you will eat delicious food,” Hana said, adding longingly, Quail!
”If we are eating his food, there will be more for you here,” Kaede replied. It was in fact one of the reasons she was happy to be away for a while, for no matter how many times she looked at the food stores and calculated the days of winter, it remained obvious that they would run out of food before spring.
”And someone has to entertain young Mitsuru,” s.h.i.+zuka added. ”You must make sure he is not too homesick.”
”Ai can do that,” Hana retorted. ”He likes Ai.”
Kaede had noticed the same thing. Her sister had not admitted any affection in return, but she was shy about such matters-and anyway, Kaede thought, what difference did her feelings make? Ai would have to be betrothed soon. The new year had seen her turn fourteen. It might be that Sonoda Mitsuru, if his uncle were to adopt him, would be a good match, but she would not relinquish her sister cheaply.
In a year they will be lining up for marriages with the s.h.i.+rakawa, she told herself. she told herself.