Part 72 (2/2)
”Why do you care?”
Duster shrugged. ”d.a.m.ned if I know,” she said at last. And it was true. She didn't.
”Rath can take care of himself.”
”And you.”
”And me.” Jewel shrugged. Felt something like happiness, but thinner, and more fragile, as she met Duster's dark eyes. In Torra, she said, ”The hardest thing to figure out is what will make you happy.”
”Your Oma said that?”
”All the time.”
”Why?”
”I don't know. It was just something she said. You would have liked her.”
”I doubt it.”
”She would have liked you.”
”I really doubt that.”
Jewel exhaled, her breath a mist wall between them. ”I do,” she said quietly.
”Because I saved Finch.”
She nodded.
”You like Finch.”
”Yes. She's important to me.”
”Why?”
”Because she's Finch. She's not very harsh, and she's not-she's not like me. Or you. Sometimes we need people who aren't. My mother was never hard enough, according to my Oma, and she's some part of me. But Duster, Finch didn't save herself. If you hadn't decided to help her somehow, she would have died.”
Duster said nothing.
”If I hadn't decided to help her, she would have died.” She paused, searching for the right words when so many wrong ones waited like traps. ”She didn't need you to kill for her. She didn't need me to do that either. But she needed both of us.”
”And we were there.” The words were bitter. ”What about what I need?”
”I don't know what you need,” Jewel replied. ”Sometimes I don't know what I need.”
”Your Oma again?”
”No, that's just me. I'm making it up as I go. We only have now,” she added, ”and yes, that part's my Oma.”
”I'm not afraid of dying,” Duster said, as they walked. ”I'm not really afraid of pain either.”
Jewel nodded. ”I'm afraid of both.”
”But you came to the mansion.”
She nodded. ”There are things that I'm more afraid of.”
”Like what?”
Jewel shrugged. An invitation to expose herself to Duster wasn't going to happen every day. Thank the G.o.ds. But she felt that she owed Duster the truth. Or as much of it as she could actually see. ”I'm afraid of failing,” she said quietly. ”I'm afraid that I've made promises I can't keep. I'm afraid,” she added, stopping again and turning to face Duster, ”of losing any of you.”
Duster's laugh was harsh and grating. Jewel accepted it, let it pa.s.s her by. Duster didn't have any other way of laughing. Maybe she never would.
”Finch doesn't need what you need. I don't think any of the others do. Except Lander,” she added softly, her vision suddenly sharpening as she spoke. ”I think Lander needs what you need.”
”Lander doesn't even talk.”
”No. And I don't think he will until we-” She stopped. Wherever this was going, she didn't like it. But she was Jewel, her Oma's little fire. ”Until we kill Patris Waverly.” Her eyes widened a little. ”You said that, then. I didn't-I wasn't-” She shook her head.
”I want them all dead,” Duster told her, not even noticing.
”I know. But we start where we start.” She closed her eyes. Opened them. ”Thank you.”
”For what?” Duster seemed genuinely surprised.
”For trying to spare Rath. Even if you know he can take care of himself.”
Duster shrugged, retreating from the moment. Or so it appeared. But when she spoke, she said, ”I've never had much I was afraid to lose. I wonder what it's like.” The bitterness and envy that inflected the words weren't all they contained; it surprised Jewel.
But today, so had Duster, if only a little.
”It's like any other fear,” Jewel replied. ”But some weaknesses are good and some are bad. I think this is a good one.”
”I don't want it.”
Jewel said, quietly, ”I know. But you saved Finch. That counts for something. It has to.”
Duster didn't laugh. She said, ”I'm trying. Not to be whatever it was they thought I'd become. But you keep harping on Finch. You want to know why I saved her?” She spoke the words with enough force, they were like a blow.
And behind that, Jewel knew she was afraid, for just a minute, of what effect those words would have. Was fighting fear the only way she knew how: By ignoring it. Worse.
”Doesn't matter.”
”It should. I saved her because they needed her dead.”
Jewel frowned. ”They needed her dead?”
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