Part 43 (1/2)

And in the laughter of The Raven and their close companions.h.i.+p were more images of death and fear. Of his best friend Will lying still beneath the sheets of an infirmary bed in Julatsa. Of his chest falling never to rise again. Blame. He was to blame. And there was nothing he could do to right the wrongs.

He had been in the body of a wolf when Will's fatal wound had been received and had eventually fled in that body to escape his grief, only to be found wanting again. And so here he was. Back in a man's body but feeling like an intruder in the world of men yet unable to face the prospect of life as a wolf. Nothing he could do would be right.

'Thraun, are you all right?'

Thraun looked up. The Unknown Warrior was dropping back to ride beside him. He didn't answer.

'You had a bit of a wobble in the saddle just then. I wondered if you were feeling all right?'

Thraun shook his head. 'No.'

'Can you tell me what's wrong?'

He could understand everything they said, everything they asked him, but just couldn't find the words to explain the hopeless divide within him. The frustration threatened to overwhelm him at times like this and it was made all the more acute because he could remember being able to speak so freely. He had chosen silence until now rather than anger himself by failing to make himself understood.

'The words won't . . .' He waved a hand uselessly. How could it be this way? He could think it all but he just couldn't say it. Something was missing.

'Then let us help you,' said The Unknown. 'Don't be silent because there's a block in that head of yours.'

'I . . . I can't.' He sighed and punched the pommel of his saddle.

'Take it easy. Why don't you let me ask the questions? Just say yes, no or whatever you can. Repeat what you hear, if it'll help.'

Thraun could see the sense but couldn't tell The Unknown that it made him feel like a child. Worse, an idiot.

'I'm not trying to patronise you, Thraun. You do understand that, don't you?'

Perfectly, he thought. But it doesn't make any difference. So instead he nodded and bit down on his shame.

'Is there anything we say you don't understand?'

'No.'

'Do you think in the words you want to speak, then?'

'Yes.'

'Do you remember all that happened to you?'

Thraun shrugged. 'Yes?'

'Or you think so at least. Sorry, stupid question. How can you know what you haven't remembered?'

Thraun smiled. 'Yes.'

'You have memories as man and wolf?'

'Yes.'

'Bad?'

'Bad,' agreed Thraun. 'Bad.'

'You feel guilt?'

'Guilt.'

'Responsible?'

'Yes.'

'You aren't to blame, Thraun.'

'Yes, I am.'

'And there's nothing you can do, is there? Nothing to make it better.'

'No, there isn't!' he stormed. 'They're all dead because of me and there's not a f.u.c.king thing I can do about it. I ended so many lives because I can't be man or animal so what do you expect me to say? Sorry? I'm in torment here in my head and no one understands because I don't have the words.'

He broke off, aware that they were all looking at him. Yet despite his sudden fury, he felt ma.s.sively relieved. He relaxed his bunched shoulders.

'Thank you, I think,' he said.

'Any time, Thraun. I think you're trying too hard sometimes. Don't think. React. Let it happen.'

'I'll try,' said Thraun, but he could feel the veil falling again.

'And I'll be there to provoke you, don't you worry.'

Thraun nodded, unsure whether to laugh or cry.

Chapter 39.

There was far more to the situation than Auum had appreciated and for the first time he wished he had listened more closely to The Raven. This was no simple two-way fight. At least two other factions were involved and that made decisions complex. However, the outcome was still not in doubt.

The ClawBound had discovered the party of Xeteskians on the third day of searching, moving steadily along the trail Rebraal had indicated. Their communications had spoken of a sizeable force. It had been another day before Auum and his Tai had found the pair. Although sympathising with how unsettled they were, he had rebuked the ClawBound for attacking an innocent. He had then personally tracked the Xeteskians for another day before moving quickly to the meeting point.

He reached it half a day ahead of the enemy and immediately began to plan, gathering other Tais to him and a.s.sessing information from the northern scouting. Troops in battle lines had been found a further three days north, their purpose unclear because they faced both north and south. There was no knowing if they were Xeteskian but the fact that they could be enemies added further weight to the argument for attacking the travelling force at the first opportunity.

'The enemy strength is not considerable in numbers but the warrior and mage quality is high,' said Merke, leader of the second Tai tracking the travelling Xeteskians.

'Agreed,' said Auum.