Part 17 (1/2)
”Esther's a s.e.x book?”
”It is if you can use your imagination. Which I'm certain you can.”
Eleanor blushed. She had a feeling he referred to that little incident on his desk.
”What do I get if I prove you're full of s.h.i.+t?” she asked, desperately wanting to change the subject.
”Enlightenment.”
S0ren left her alone in the choir loft with her Bible and her a.s.signment to prove him wrong. That shouldn't be too hard. She doubted there was a single verse in the Bible that said G.o.d preferred tall people. Of course, she'd have to read the entire Bible to make sure there wasn't. That would take a while. Easier to prove G.o.d liked short people. Wasn't there something Jesus said about suffering the little children? She flipped to the back of her Bible and found the concordance.
Little ... little ... little children ... little ones.
Little ones? She flipped to Psalms and found the verse.
The Lord is the keeper of the little ones; I was little and he delivered me.
Bam. Perfect. Easy enough.
G.o.d liked little people. She won. S0ren lost. Now what?
She flipped a few more pages in the Bible to the Book of Esther. She'd heard about Esther but she didn't remember ever hearing any homilies about the book. They hadn't covered it in her religion cla.s.s at school yet, either. All she remembered about Esther was that she was a queen and there was something about a beauty pageant? Didn't sound s.e.xy to her. But S0ren said he preferred Esther to the Song of Songs, so ...
In the days of Xerxes, who reigned from India to Ethiopia over a hundred and twenty-seven provinces ...
This was supposed to be a s.e.xy book?
Eleanor kept reading. She read it all, beginning to end. There was something odd about the story, something not quite right. Esther ... and the king ... did they really ...? No way. But maybe?
She closed her Bible, and found S0ren again in his office.
”Did I just read what I think I just read?” Eleanor asked without preamble.
”What do you think you read?” S0ren asked as he closed a book and gave her his full attention.
”King Xerxes fired his queen and then needed a new queen.”
”Yes.”
”And he auditioned for a new queen.”
”That he did.”
”Am I reading it wrong or did King Xerxes audition for virgin queen candidates by f.u.c.king them?”
”That would be one rather graphic, albeit accurate, way of putting it.”
”So he did?”
”Yes.”
”So King Xerxes had virgins brought in from all over the Empire. He gave them a year to pretty themselves up for him, and then they had a one-night audition with him in his bedroom to become queen.”
”Is there a question in there somewhere, Eleanor?”
”Yes. What did Esther do?”
”I don't follow.”
”To the king to get him to pick her, I mean,” Eleanor explained. ”What did she do that the other girls didn't do so she could be queen?”
”I a.s.sume she was better in bed than the rest of them.”
Eleanor gaped at S0ren.
”What?” he asked.
”The reason she was the person chosen to save the Jewish people was because she was good in the sack?”
”The Lord works in mysterious ways.”
”The Lord works through s.e.x?”
”All the time. Saints were babies once. They had to be conceived through s.e.xual intercourse. There's nothing un-biblical about that.”
”But Esther wasn't married to the king. She was part of a harem. She had premarital s.e.x. Catholics aren't allowed to have premarital s.e.x.”
”Esther wasn't Catholic. Catholicism hadn't been invented yet.”
She glowered at him.
”You know what I mean. It's in the Bible.”
”Shocking, isn't it?” He didn't sound the least shocked, only amused.
”I'm speechless.”
”Then why are you still talking?”
”Because I found a biblical heroine who is a biblical heroine because she spread for a king. It's seriously s.e.xy but seems like a p.i.s.s-poor way to choose a world leader. Or not. Maybe that's how we got President Clinton.”
”In all fairness to Esther, she was a prisoner and didn't have much choice in the matter-the s.e.x or becoming queen.”
”She was amazing in bed and that helped her save her people.”
”I knew you'd like her.”
”I want to be her. I wonder if Xerxes was hot.”
”Perhaps he looked like Eddie Vedder.”