Part 29 (1/2)

He shall restore what he took by robbery . . . --LEVITICUS 6:4 --LEVITICUS 6:4 Day 387. It's been a week since the shave. The first day was the worst. I felt unanch.o.r.ed. Too many choices. It reminded me of the overwhelming freedom I experienced on that first day of freshman year at college, but without any of the exhilaration and double the dread.

Oh, and lots of guilt. I felt like I was getting away with all sorts of transgressions. I went to the barber and had my hair washed by a woman. All the while I was thinking, ”Can I really do this? Can I really flip through the People People magazine while she's tr.i.m.m.i.n.g my sideburns? Can I really buy a banana on the way home without worrying if it's from a tree that's more than four years old?” It still seemed wrong. magazine while she's tr.i.m.m.i.n.g my sideburns? Can I really buy a banana on the way home without worrying if it's from a tree that's more than four years old?” It still seemed wrong.

Every day the guilt recedes a little. Every day I get a bit more accustomed to choice. Choice isn't necessarily a bad thing, I tell myself. And at least my year helped narrow my choices.

I'll never be Jacob again. I'll never live with so many restrictions. But a part of my biblical alter ego has carried over. If my Bible self had a footlong beard, what remains is barely a five o'clock shadow, but it's there. I think it'll always be there.

Right now I'm at the post office, Jasper in tow. I told him I was running an errand, and he insisted on coming, since he's somehow gotten the idea that errands are as exciting as the Central Park merry-go-round. We wait fifteen minutes before getting to the front of the line. I slide a brown bubble-wrap package onto the scale. Six dollars to go to Monte Sereno, California. I pay my money. In three days my ex-girlfriend will open her mailbox to find her black leather Bible with its tissue-thin pages and faded gold embossing, the 1,536 pages that have shaped my year.

Jasper and I leave the post office, turn left, and head toward home for a quiet Friday night.

A Note from the Author All the events in this book are true. Some of the sequences have been rearranged, and, in certain cases, the names and identifying details have been changed. Unless otherwise specified, the Bible quotations are from the Revised Standard Version.

Notes.

INTRODUCTION.

Forgive me. I know I used the I'm-as-Jewish-as-the-Olive-Garden-is-Italian line in my last book. But it just happens to be the best description of my ethnicity.

THE PREPARATION.

It's nearly impossible to get an accurate count on the number of different Bible editions. ”In English, there are more than 3,000 versions of the entire Bible or portions of the Bible,” writes Kenneth C. Davis in Don't Know Much About the Bible. Don't Know Much About the Bible. Kevin Phillips's book Kevin Phillips's book American Theocracy American Theocracy gives a much higher number: 7,000. gives a much higher number: 7,000.

Thanks to professor Julie Galambush for tipping me off to the anesthesia brouhaha.

To be precise: The Protestant Old Testament has 39 books, but the Jewish and Catholic versions have a different count. The Hebrew Bible comes in at 35 books, because several books--like Kings and Chronicles--are not split into two parts. The Catholic Old Testament totals 46 books, since it contains sections not found in the Protestant version, such as Tobit, Judith, and Maccabees.

The term midrash midrash has a couple of meanings. It can be used to describe Jewish folklore such as the Nachshon tale. But it also has a wider meaning, namely, the collection of rabbinic sermons and commentaries on the Bible. For more, see the has a couple of meanings. It can be used to describe Jewish folklore such as the Nachshon tale. But it also has a wider meaning, namely, the collection of rabbinic sermons and commentaries on the Bible. For more, see the Encyclopedia Judaica Encyclopedia Judaica's midrash midrash entry, which comes right after the entry on Bette Midler. entry, which comes right after the entry on Bette Midler.

DAY 2 2.

Other suspects that have been mentioned as the actual forbidden fruit: the fig, pomegranate, grapes, and wheat.

For more on Genesis' fertility themes, see Who Wrote the Bible? Who Wrote the Bible? by Richard Elliott Friedman. by Richard Elliott Friedman.

I got concerned that my memory had distorted the meaning of cognitive dissonance. And there are a bunch of definitions nowadays. But I found the original 1959 paper establis.h.i.+ng the theory, and it says that when there is a conflict between a person's thoughts and actions, the ”the private opinion changes so as to bring it into closer correspondence with the overt behavior.” See /columns/061110.html.

DAY 42.

The Jubilee year hasn't been observed since the time of the Temple (The Second Jewish Book of Why, p. 262). The Sabbath year is still observed in some form, but only in Israel (ibid., p. 320). p. 262). The Sabbath year is still observed in some form, but only in Israel (ibid., p. 320).

DAY 44.

I first learned about the ”domino” phrase in the book Serving the Word: Literalism in America from the Pulpit to the Bench, Serving the Word: Literalism in America from the Pulpit to the Bench, a very interesting look at fundamentalism. a very interesting look at fundamentalism.

The history of literalism is actually far more complex and subtle than my thirty-second summary. (I know, shocking!) There's much debate over how literally the ancients took the Bible. Some religious scholars--including Karen Armstrong and Marcus Borg--argue they didn't take it literally at all (see the discussion of mythos mythos and and logos logos in Day 272). These scholars say the ancients saw the Bible stories as myth--true on a deep metaphorical level, not as hard fact. It wasn't supposed to be reportage like in Day 272). These scholars say the ancients saw the Bible stories as myth--true on a deep metaphorical level, not as hard fact. It wasn't supposed to be reportage like The Wall Street Journal. The Wall Street Journal. Borg quotes a Georgian aphorism: ”It is true, and it is not true.” Borg quotes a Georgian aphorism: ”It is true, and it is not true.”

Most scholars agree that at some point--after the Gutenberg Bible was printed? after the Renaissance?--believers started taking the Bible as factual, literal truth. And it was this literal interpretation of the Bible that sp.a.w.ned the dueling worldviews of modernism and fundamentalism. To complicate matters further, there are many alternatives to modernism and fundamentalism. For instance, geneticist Francis Collins wrote The Language of G.o.d The Language of G.o.d, about how religion and science can be reconciled.

In Jewish biblical interpretation, the literal meaning of a pa.s.sage is sometimes called ”pshat” ”pshat” and the interpretation is called and the interpretation is called ”derush.” ”derush.” And if you want to get really technical, there are four levels of biblical interpretation in traditional Judaism: And if you want to get really technical, there are four levels of biblical interpretation in traditional Judaism: ”pshat ”pshat (the literal meaning of the text), (the literal meaning of the text), remez remez (its allusions), (its allusions), derush derush (the homilies that can be derived from it), and (the homilies that can be derived from it), and sod sod (its mystical secrets).” They spell out the acronym (its mystical secrets).” They spell out the acronym ”pardes,” ”pardes,” which means orchard (from the Lubavitcher website sichosinenglish.org). which means orchard (from the Lubavitcher website sichosinenglish.org).

I did, in fact, smash an idol. I took a hammer to a faux Oscar statuette that my wife bought as a party favor once. I got out some of my hostility toward celebrity culture. But frankly, it didn't feel like it merited a chapter.

DAY 45.

Sorry. I used the line about my dad working through the Apocalypse in my previous book. That's the last time in this book that I'll recycle a line from The Know-It-All. The Know-It-All.

DAY 46.

Actually, in Judaism, life trumps all except for adultery, murder, and idolatry. Traditionally, you should choose to die before committing those. Also, I probably shouldn't say that all rabbis would allow pig's valves, since religion has a way of making a mockery of absolute statements. But I have yet to hear of a rabbi who would ban this.

DAY 50.

If you want to be nitpicky about the whale/big fish thing: The Book of Jonah says ”great fish,” though when the story is referenced in Matthew 12:40, the word whale whale is, in fact, used. is, in fact, used.

DAY 64.

I should note that Orthodox Jews today say prayers both before and after a meal, as do some Christians.

DAY 70.

The book with the broad definition of evil tongue is The 613 Mitzvot The 613 Mitzvot by Ronald L. Eisenberg. by Ronald L. Eisenberg.

DAY 82.

The ”vapor of vapors” translation is from Reading the Bible Again for the First Time Reading the Bible Again for the First Time by Marcus J. Borg. In fact, I was helped enormously by Borg's brilliant section on the conflict between the conventional wisdom of Proverbs and the more nuanced wisdom of Ecclesiastes and Job. by Marcus J. Borg. In fact, I was helped enormously by Borg's brilliant section on the conflict between the conventional wisdom of Proverbs and the more nuanced wisdom of Ecclesiastes and Job.

DAY 87.

Other Catholic objections to IVF include: (1) it usually involves masturbation; and (2) it sometimes involves discarding fertilized eggs. For more on that see Day 314.

DAY 93.