Part 1 (1/2)

Approval Addiction.

Joyce Meyer.

Introduction.

UNDERSTANDING APPROVAL ADDICTION.

There is an epidemic of insecurity in our society today. Many people are insecure and feel bad about themselves, which steals their joy and causes major problems in all their relations.h.i.+ps.

I know the effect insecurity can have on lives because I experienced it myself. I know what it does to a person. Those who have been hurt badly through abuse or severe rejection, as I have, often seek the approval of others to try to overcome their feelings of rejection and low selfesteem. They suffer from those feelings and use the addiction of approval to try to remove the pain. They are miserable if anyone seems to not approve of them in any way or for any reason and they are anxious about the disapproval until they feel they are once again accepted. They may do almost anything to gain the approval they feel they have losta”even things their conscience tells them are wrong. For example, if a person is met with disapproval when she declines an invitation, she might change her plans and accept the invitation just to gain approval. She compromises herself for the sake of feeling approved.

An addiction is something that controls peoplea” something they feel they cannot do without or something they do to alleviate pain or pressure. It is what people run to when they are hurting or feel lonely. It comes in many varieties, such as drugs, alcohol, gambling, s.e.x, shopping, eating, worka”and yes, even approval. Like any addict, insecure people look for a ”fix” when they get shaky. They need someone to reaffirm them and a.s.sure them everything is all right and they are acceptable. When a person has an addiction the things they are addicted to are on their mind most of the time. Therefore, if a person is an approval addict, he or she will have an abnormal concern and an abundance of thoughts about what people think of them.

The good news is that none of us has to suffer with insecurity; there is a cure for the approval addiction. The Word of G.o.d says we can be secure through Jesus Christ (See Ephesians 3:17). That means we are free to be ourselves and become all we can be in Him.

THE FOUNDATION FOR SECURITY.

A sense of security is something everyone needs and desires. Security enables us to enjoy healthy thinking and living. It means we feel safe, accepted, and approved of. When we are secure we approve of ourselves, we have confidence, we accept and love ourselves in a balanced way. We don't necessarily need approval from others to feel confident. Security enables us to reach our potential and fulfill our G.o.d-given destiny.

I believe it is G.o.d's will for each one of us to be secure, because lack of self-confidence torments us and keeps us from the blessings He intends for us to enjoy. Over the years I have learned that the foundation for security is knowing who we are in Christ, accepting G.o.d's unconditional love, and accepting ourselves even though we realize we have weaknesses and are not perfect.

I come from an abusive background that left me suffering from insecurities even after I became a Christian because I wasn't seeing myself through the eyes of Scripture. I rejected myself, and I didn't like myself because I didn't see myself as G.o.d saw me. I didn't know who I was in Christ (See 2 Corinthians 5:21); I wasn't rooted and grounded in His love and I didn't know I could find my approval in Him. Even though according to Scripture I had been recreated in Christ (See Ephesians 2:10) and had been made a new creature and given a fresh start and a great future, I still saw myself as a failure and someone unlovable and unacceptable.

My life was very hard during that time. I was continually frustrated and had no real peace or joy because I had a poor self-image and felt n.o.body liked me. Those feelings caused me to act as though I didn't need anyonea”as if I didn't care how they felt about me. Yet down deep inside, I really did care and tried very hard to be what I thought others expected of me.

But as I studied the Word of G.o.d, I learned I was valuable in who I am in Christ, not in what I do or in other people's opinions of me. I realized I didn't have to stay insecure because when G.o.d looked at me, He saw the righteousness of His Son Jesus (See 2 Corinthians 5:21), not everything that was wrong with me or that I had done wrong. And the truth set me free. For the first time in my life I felt secure.

Part of our inheritance as believers is to be secure (See Isaiah 54:17)a”to know who we are in Christ, to have a feeling of righteousness or rightness with G.o.d. G.o.d declares we have worth and value by the fact that He sent His Son Jesus to die for us. We are not supposed to go around all the time feeling wrong about ourselves, as so many people do. Usually people who feel that way think, ”There's something wrong with me. I'm not what I need to be. I'm not where I need to be. I don't look the way I should look. I'm not talented. I don't this. I don't that. I don't something else.”

The devil likes to remind us of what we are not, but G.o.d delights in affirming us and reminding us of who we are and what we can do through Jesus. Philippians 3:3 tells us to ”put no confidence or dependence [on what we are] in the flesh and on . . . external appearances,” but to ”glory and pride ourselves in Jesus Christ.” We are to look at Jesus, not ourselves.

Insecurity stems from looking at our weaknesses, our flaws, and inabilities. Freedom from insecurity comes when we do what Hebrews 12:2 instructs us do to: look away from all that distracts us to Jesus, Who is the Author and Finisher of our faith. Our flaws will certainly distract us if we pay too much attention to them. We should confess our faults to G.o.d and trust Him to change us in His own way and timing.

KNOWLEDGE LEADS TO DELIVERANCE.

Do you live under a burden of guilt and condemnation, feeling unrighteous, unworthy, and insecure? Are you a people-pleaser, always looking for the approval of others?

If the answer is yes, then I hope by the grace and the mercy of G.o.d to help you get over those feelings because they affect not only your personal relations.h.i.+ps, but also your prayer life and your ability to be promoted in life. They certainly steal your joy and your peacea”and that is not G.o.d's will for you or anyone else.

G.o.d's will is that you enjoy your lifea”and you can do that, if you know how. That ”how” is what I want to share with you in Approval Addiction. In the following pages are some tremendous insights I learned from G.o.d that helped me overcome the insecurities in my life and live in the righteousness, peace, and joy that are ours as children of G.o.d (See Romans 14:17). I have divided this book into three sections. Part I deals with accepting who we are in Christa”understanding we aren't perfect and that it is okay. Part II addresses some specific addictions that hinder our walk with G.o.d and with others and what we need to do to overcome them. Finally, in Part III I talk about some general truths regarding our wholeness in G.o.d and where we need to be headed in our lives if we're truly going to beat our addiction to approval. Throughout this book I will walk you through the steps and show you relevant Scriptures and personal stories that help you see you're not alone, and that there is ultimate triumph.

I pray that as you read this book, you will begin to experience healing and freedom. The pathway to freedom is not necessarily an easy one. But pressing forward toward that goal is definitely easier than remaining in bondage. Knowledge of your right standing with G.o.d and the truth about your righteousness leads to deliverance from such feelings as condemnation, defeat, inadequacy, insecurity, and the need for approval from people. You will be lifted to new levels of freedom and become a confident, mature persona”one who can walk in the security of who you are in Christ. His approval will be all you need.

So take that first step now to overcome the Approval Addiction by taking an honest look at who you are and how you feel about yourself.

Chapter 1.

Facing Fear And Finding Freedom.

The first step in understanding an out-of-balance need for approval is to understand fear. The variety of fears people deal with is endless, but an important one I discovered in my own lifea”and one you may be dealing with yourselfa” is the fear of not being pleasing to G.o.d. If you have been hurt and wounded by people who were difficult or even impossible to please, you may think G.o.d is the same way. He isn't! It is not as difficult to please G.o.d as we may think it is. Simple, childlike faith pleases Him. He already knows we will not behave perfectly all the time. That is why He sent Jesus to pay for our failures and mistakes.

As I said in the Introduction, I struggled and suffered in frustration many years trying to please G.o.d with good, or even perfect, behavior. At the same time I was always fearful I was failing. It seemed no matter what I did right, I always saw something I was doing wrong. I never felt good enough; no matter what I did, I always felt as if I needed to do more. I felt G.o.d was displeased with me, and even though that was not accurate, it was true for me because I believed it. I was deceived!

There is a possibility you, too, have been deceived. To be deceived means to believe a lie. Many people are trapped in bondage that makes them miserable simply because they have wrong belief systems. It is very possible you believe some things with all your heart, yet those things are not true at all. I once believed my future would always be affected by my past, but then I learned through G.o.d's Word that what I believed was not true at all.

We can let go of what lies behind, be totally forgiven for all our wrongdoing, and enjoy the awesome future G.o.d had planned for us since before the beginning of time.

”WHAT MUST I DO TO PLEASE G.o.d?”

There are two main things I believe we must do to please G.o.d. Number one is to have faith in Jesus, and number two is to desire to please Him with all our heart. It is important to understand that we cannot have one without the other. The Bible says without faith it is impossible to please G.o.d (See Hebrews 11:6).

In John 6:28-29 we read about some people who asked Jesus: What are we to do, that we may [habitually] be working the works of G.o.d? [What are we to do to carry out what G.o.d requires?]

Jesus replied, This is the work (service) that G.o.d asks of you; that you believe in the One Whom He has sent.

So you see G.o.d is pleased when we believe in His Son Jesus, and He is not pleased when we don't. We might do numerous good and benevolent works, yet if we have no faith in Jesus, G.o.d is still not pleased with us. But if we believe and trust in G.o.d, we enter His rest according to Hebrews 4; we feel at ease and comfortable rather than fearful and anxious about life.

We believe, and G.o.d works. Our worka”the work of the believera”is simply to believe. Remember, we are accepted because of our faith, not our good works. Christians are referred to as believers. If our job were to achieve, we would be called achievers, not believers. We often want to place an emphasis on what we do, but our focus should be on what G.o.d has done for us in Jesus Christ. We can concentrate on our sin and be miserable, or we can concentrate on G.o.d's forgiveness and mercy and be happy.

If our job were to achieve, we would be called achievers, not believers.

Once we see this truth, we can enjoy our relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d. We don't have to live under the pressure of acceptance by performance, followed by a fear of failure each time our performance is less than perfect. We do not have to be addicted to approval and ready to obtain it by any means. If we want to please G.o.d with all our hearts, all we need to do is believe in His Son Jesus Christ and believe what He says in His Word.

I lived in the performance-acceptance trap for many years. I was addicted to approval. I felt if I performed well, then I would be approved of and accepted by G.o.d and people. I did not feel good about nor accept myself unless I performed well. When I did not perform well, I automatically a.s.sumed G.o.d rejected me because that was what I was accustomed to with people. Once again truth was distorted for me through a wrong belief system.

G.o.d does not reject us when we make mistakes, but if we think He does, if we fear He does, the lie we have believed becomes truth to us. I once had an employee who had experienced a lot of rejection from her father when she did not do well in school or perform perfectly in other areas. The rejection she experienced early in her life caused her to develop some behavior patterns that were difficult to understand. When her job performance was anything less than perfect, I sensed her withdrawing from me and felt rejected by her. Not only did she withdraw, she also went into a work frenzy trying to get more done.

This behavior really bothered me and made it difficult for me to have a comfortable relations.h.i.+p with her. As her employer I dreaded giving her direction or correction about anything because I knew from experience how she would behave. As a matter of fact, I dreaded even asking her how various projects were coming along because if she could not give me a perfect report she became upset even if I remained calm. If I asked the status of her work, the only time she seemed settled and happy was if she could tell me everything was done, and done perfectly right.

I did not understand her actions at the time, but through prayer and sharing openly we finally discovered she was extremely afraid of being rejected if she did not perform perfectly. Even though I was not rejecting her, her fear of being rejected caused her to withdraw from me. To make matters worse, her withdrawal and silence then made me feel she was rejecting me, or that I had done something wrong. Her belief system was wrong, but it nonetheless created an uncomfortable atmosphere in which Satan could easily work.

I did not expect her to be perfect, but she expected it of herself. I was not pressuring her; she was pressuring herself. Even though I was not upset with her progress, she a.s.sumed I was and reacted to me accordingly. Her behavior really confused me and made me not want to work with her. Thankfully, she eventually learned to believe I loved and accepted her even though her performance was not always perfect. This enabled us to work together in joy for many years.

Just as I had learned before in my own life, my employee had to learn to believe what I said rather than what she felt. We must choose to do the same thing in our relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d. We must learn to trust G.o.d's Word more than our own feelings. We often bow down to our feelings without realizing how fickle and changeable they are. Our feelings are not a reliable source of information. G.o.d loves us and accepts us unconditionally. His love is not based on our performance. The Bible says in Ephesians 1:6 KJV that we are made acceptable in the Beloved. As I said earlier, it is our faith in Jesus that makes us acceptable to G.o.d and pleases Him, not our performance.

We must learn to trust G.o.d's Word more than our own feelings.

We are not living by faith if we believe how we feel more than we believe what G.o.d's Word says. Do you believe the G.o.d of the Bible or the G.o.d of your feelings?

DESIRING TO PLEASE HIM IN ALL THINGS.

Anyone who loves G.o.d wants to please Him. The fact that we have a desire to please Him pleases Him. To please someone means to be well thought of or approved by that person. We want G.o.d's approval, and there is nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, a desire to please G.o.d is necessary; it motivates us to seek His will in all things.