Part 2 (1/2)

I honestly feel that the whole Star Search Star Search thing was able to happen at all because of how much thing was able to happen at all because of how much Idol Idol influenced me, which is why I like to joke that I was trained in the ”School of influenced me, which is why I like to joke that I was trained in the ”School of American Idol American Idol.” By featuring so many different types of people trying to tackle such a wide range of songs on the show, I think Idol Idol gave us a mini-crash course in musicology, which broadened my sense of what kinds of songs to sing and expanded my idea of how to individualize music. But, of course, I was still very much afraid and full of self-doubt, because I didn't think I was as good a singer as the kids I'd seen perform on the show. Though I had sung for many audiences, not since gave us a mini-crash course in musicology, which broadened my sense of what kinds of songs to sing and expanded my idea of how to individualize music. But, of course, I was still very much afraid and full of self-doubt, because I didn't think I was as good a singer as the kids I'd seen perform on the show. Though I had sung for many audiences, not since Jenny Jones Jenny Jones had I performed for a television audience, and I felt there was a serious risk of humiliating myself. had I performed for a television audience, and I felt there was a serious risk of humiliating myself.

This would be our third trip to California and it started to feel like L.A. was our home away from home. Although I felt scared every time, each visit made me feel more and more excited about my desire to become a better singer. I tried to remember to always see my performances as opportunities to get better and share my talent. And even though I was afraid, once I started to sing, I'd go into some kind of peaceful, stress-free state where all that mattered was the sound of the music and the feelings that it carried. Those feelings would always overpower any fear that crept up.

Another uncomfortable feeling I had to deal with was the feeling of guilt when someone I thought of as more talented than me would lose out. For example, there were three kids auditioning for Star Search Star Search with me, and only two of us would get chosen for the show. I was sure I wouldn't make it but I did. Now I felt terrible, because I really thought one of the others was a lot better than me. Then I saw her crying and it kind of broke my heart. I just couldn't shake this feeling that I might have taken something away from someone who deserved it more. I couldn't handle how sad that poor girl was. I knew she had worked just as hard as I had. I never felt like I was good enough to win and almost felt embarra.s.sed when I did. In a way, I didn't even think I belonged there to begin with. I loved singing so much, but when that meant competing and beating out other people, that's when it got a bit weird for me. It has nothing to do with humility; I just saw it as unfair. with me, and only two of us would get chosen for the show. I was sure I wouldn't make it but I did. Now I felt terrible, because I really thought one of the others was a lot better than me. Then I saw her crying and it kind of broke my heart. I just couldn't shake this feeling that I might have taken something away from someone who deserved it more. I couldn't handle how sad that poor girl was. I knew she had worked just as hard as I had. I never felt like I was good enough to win and almost felt embarra.s.sed when I did. In a way, I didn't even think I belonged there to begin with. I loved singing so much, but when that meant competing and beating out other people, that's when it got a bit weird for me. It has nothing to do with humility; I just saw it as unfair.

But I would try to shake off these nagging negative feelings, and instead focus on the idea that this was all part of my training and education as a lover of music and aspiring singer. For the preliminary round, I chose to sing The Jackson 5's ”Who's Loving You?” I remember Hilary Duff was the guest judge, and she smiled so sweetly throughout my entire song. The person I was competing against was Anna Maria Perez de Tagle who later was on Hannah Montana Hannah Montana and in the movie and in the movie Camp Rock Camp Rock. Then for the semifinal round, I was up against two girls, Joelle James who made the Top 24 on season six of Idol Idol, and Tori Kelly who just barely didn't make it to the Top 24 but made it through Hollywood Week of season nine. They both were so amazing; I knew I didn't have a chance to make it through to the final, but I figured I'd just give it my best. I picked for my song, ”Fallin'” by Alicia Keyes and tried to put my own twist on it. Joelle was amazing, but she was sick that week and I felt really bad for her that she wasn't at 100%, but she still sounded amazing singing ”Ain't No Mountain High Enough.” Tori then sang the song ”Blessed” by Rachel Lampa, and I figured I had had a great time and wasn't going to feel bad if I didn't make it past the semi. When the voting came in after commercial break, the scores were so close that Tori and I actually tied. It came down to fractions, and when the final tally came in, I had won by less than two-tenths of a point! I couldn't believe it! Could this have really happened? Did I really deserve to be the one moving on? I was extremely happy, but I felt like something had gone wrong. There was no way I should have been able to beat them both. After the semi, I found out I was going to be in the finals against a girl named Molly. I chose the song ”You're All I Need to Get By” which I first heard Kelly Clarkson sing on American Idol American Idol. I later found out that it was performed by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell and that Aretha Franklin had also recorded it. My dad and I worked out an arrangement that combined some ideas from both versions as well as some original ideas that would make the song my own. I felt it was my best performance and I really had a great time putting my all into it decked out in my then favorite leather jacket! When the final scores came back, I couldn't believe that I had won! I got straight 5s from the judges and it was my chance to feel I had achieved a dream that was unimaginable just a few weeks earlier when I was sitting at home watching in amazement the very same people I had competed against, and now having to pinch myself because somehow I had become the Junior Vocal champion.

things never happen exactly how you think they will But what might have been a celebration was quickly stunted by the news of the Iraq War. All regular television programming was interrupted and the networks collectively switched to news coverage. So really not many people got to hear me sing that night, and there was no special party or celebration after the winner was crowned.

The night of my final appearance happened to be the same night the Iraqi war started. As a result, they ended our show after the junior vocals and dancers had performed, and the show wasn't even aired for most of the country. So unless you lived on the east coast, you probably would not have seen my final performance. The final episode of our season ended as part of the first show of the third season, which sounds confusing, but because they had to cut the show short previously, they had to combine the last part of the show with the first show of season three. It was the only way they could make it work. After the third season was over, they called us back to be part of a special one night ”Battle of the Champions” episode. They had the three winners from each previous cycle to compete for another $100,000. It was back to Los Angeles again for us. We were starting to really get comfortable with the routine and understood that being a singer would include a lot of travel and hectic moving around. It was exciting and exhausting, but it was a lot of fun. I got to know the other kids very well as we went to school every day on the set and had a great time getting to know one another. We had all already won our season, so none of us really felt like it was a compet.i.tion, but more of a chance to sing one last time. I chose to sing ”I Surrender” by Celine Dion for this round, and though I was not expecting to do well at all, I managed to get some great comments from the judges even though I didn't win. I managed to end up as the Junior Vocal Champion on Star Search 2 Star Search 2, losing the Junior Grand Champion ”Battle of the Champions” t.i.tle to Tiffany Evans. She was over-the-top amazing and I saw it as a good thing that I hadn't won, because in all honesty I couldn't imagine winning against her. It felt great just to be considered at her level, and the chance to sing with her once again was totally flattering to me.

In fact, even though I sang okay that night, I kind of knew I wasn't going to win. I wasn't disappointed because I knew that I'd given it my all but just wasn't the best singer there. So was I sad or b.u.mmed out? It was never about winning for me. What I cared about was just having one more opportunity to share my talent and perform. Two years earlier in Utah, I was terrified to walk onto a stage, and here I was in Hollywood, much more calm and excited every time I held a microphone in my hand. Not a bad result!

After Star Search Star Search finished in May, we stayed in Hollywood for a few weeks, and I recorded a demo version of my first song written for me by my dad and an amazing songwriter friend, Sunny Hilden (another friend we met during that magical weekend of the finished in May, we stayed in Hollywood for a few weeks, and I recorded a demo version of my first song written for me by my dad and an amazing songwriter friend, Sunny Hilden (another friend we met during that magical weekend of the Idol Idol finale), called ”Dream Sky High.” It was an inspirational song about angels, and I really enjoyed singing it. We also had a chance to meet with several attorneys and producers to learn a little more about the music business and see if having won finale), called ”Dream Sky High.” It was an inspirational song about angels, and I really enjoyed singing it. We also had a chance to meet with several attorneys and producers to learn a little more about the music business and see if having won Star Search Star Search would open any new doors for me. It still seemed that I was probably not quite ready to actually try to get a record deal so we went home. I went back to school for my sixth-grade year and prepared to start my next school year in seventh grade. While I was home for the summer just being a normal kid, I got really sick one night and found out that I had appendicitis. I remember how much pain I felt and how at first my parents thought I just had a bad stomachache or the flu. By nighttime, I had a high fever and so much pain that I was rushed to the hospital. I had my appendix removed successfully and then had to go home for bed rest right when my seventh grade was supposed to start. I finally started school at a new charter school called American Preparatory Academy with my sisters Claudia and Jazzy and my brother Daniel. We really enjoyed that school and felt we learned a lot there. It was a very positive environment and had a lot of great kids going there as well as some great teachers. would open any new doors for me. It still seemed that I was probably not quite ready to actually try to get a record deal so we went home. I went back to school for my sixth-grade year and prepared to start my next school year in seventh grade. While I was home for the summer just being a normal kid, I got really sick one night and found out that I had appendicitis. I remember how much pain I felt and how at first my parents thought I just had a bad stomachache or the flu. By nighttime, I had a high fever and so much pain that I was rushed to the hospital. I had my appendix removed successfully and then had to go home for bed rest right when my seventh grade was supposed to start. I finally started school at a new charter school called American Preparatory Academy with my sisters Claudia and Jazzy and my brother Daniel. We really enjoyed that school and felt we learned a lot there. It was a very positive environment and had a lot of great kids going there as well as some great teachers.

STAR SEARCH SONGSPRELIMINARY ROUND”Who's Loving You” by Jackson 5

SEMIFINALS”Fallin'” by Alicia Keys

FINALS”You're All I Need to Get By” by Marvin Gaye

BATTLE OF THE CHAMPIONS”I Surrender” by Celine Dion

SECOND-YEAR WINNER'S CIRCLE”A House Is Not a Home” by Luther Vandross”Climb Every Mountain” from The Sound of Music The Sound of Music”Ain't No Suns.h.i.+ne” by Bill Withers”Get Here” by Oleta Adams”Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler Sometime around Thanksgiving, after only being back to school for a few months, my dad received a phone call from the people at Star Search Star Search asking if I could come back for a special show they were putting together for the new season. For this would come to be the final asking if I could come back for a special show they were putting together for the new season. For this would come to be the final Star Search Star Search series, three winners from the previous year or sometimes a contestant who was a runner-up were brought back to compete. Mark Mejia, Molly, and I were the three Junior Vocalists. By then, the show had decided to just have three judges now on the panel; fifteen stars was the highest score possible. The winner had the chance to challenge another performer. The one challenged had to beat or tie the challenger. If they couldn't, they were out of the compet.i.tion, and the challenger took his or her place in the winners' circle. Halfway through the series, the three performers in each winners' circle competed against one another in a special show. series, three winners from the previous year or sometimes a contestant who was a runner-up were brought back to compete. Mark Mejia, Molly, and I were the three Junior Vocalists. By then, the show had decided to just have three judges now on the panel; fifteen stars was the highest score possible. The winner had the chance to challenge another performer. The one challenged had to beat or tie the challenger. If they couldn't, they were out of the compet.i.tion, and the challenger took his or her place in the winners' circle. Halfway through the series, the three performers in each winners' circle competed against one another in a special show.

When I arrived in Hollywood for the second year of Star Search Star Search, I was sick with a pretty bad cold, which was an ongoing battle for me during my early years in singing. I had come down with the kind of cold that I'd always get around Christmas. It wasn't my greatest year health-wise; I'd had bronchitis over the summer, which I hadn't fully recovered from, and in the fall, I had appendicitis and had my appendix removed. Now I had this chronic cold, where I'd get all stuffy and a little weak. It wasn't a big deal, I was pretty used to it by now, and I never thought it was anything to worry about. People get sick during the winter, right? But it got worse and worse while I was on Star Search Star Search, until by the sixth week, I could barely get through a song. At first, we thought maybe it was that my voice was starting to change, but we also knew very well that this usually doesn't affect a person's breathing. I was so wheezy and short of breath that even my talking became restricted, and I couldn't sing for more than ten or fifteen minutes without getting really worn out and having a hard time controlling my pitch or holding out a note for very long. I hadn't ever had this extreme of a problem before and my family was nervous about what was happening, but I guess I was a bit in denial of (or just too young to understand) what this could mean.

I knew that the other kids competing were able to hear me sing, and I was starting to really suffer thinking about how I must've sounded. I don't know how, but I kept going to the next round with each cycle, and I even believed they kept picking me on the show out of mercy because they felt bad that I was so sick. I mean, I knew I sounded like I had a problem, and it had to be obvious to everyone else listening as well.

One night my dad sat with me and said, ”David, you may have a medical condition. Do you still want to sing tonight? Or should we just talk to the show people and tell them that we should withdraw?” I thought about it for a while and my reply was, ”Dad, I don't care if I lose or win, I just want to have one last chance to try.” I sang my song for week 6, and I guess I sounded okay; but my belief in myself was starting to dwindle slightly, and my ability to stay as strong as I could was also starting to fade. This was obviously not a regular cold and whatever it was, we didn't want to make it worse. It was time to see a specialist.

I really had a great time putting my all into it The doctor said that they would have to use an endoscope (a type of camera that they run through the nasal pa.s.sage) to see what was going on. ”Very interesting,” he said. ”What I am seeing is really not normal for a child. It's usually something we see in our elderly patients.” He showed us the video of my vocal cords, and we could clearly see that only one of them was vibrating when I spoke or tried to sing; the other was barely moving. The doctor said it looked partially paralyzed, which could have come from a virus I may have caught when I had bronchitis. The good news was that it was not completely paralyzed, because if it had been, I would be getting no sound at all. At least now, we understood why I had to work so hard when I sang, but I was crushed. When you're someone who loves to sing, ”vocal paralysis” are not words you ever want to hear.

Especially discouraging was the fact that there wasn't much we could do about it. Our two options were basically high-risk surgery that could permanently mess up my ability to sing or vocal therapy that would slowly rehabilitate the damaged cord. That sounded kind of vague and wishy-washy to me, but the surgery sounded even worse. That was the only thing I could do. The surgery was out of the question.

After Star Search Star Search and the news of my diagnosis, we hung out in Hollywood for a couple of weeks, meeting with producers and songwriters. and the news of my diagnosis, we hung out in Hollywood for a couple of weeks, meeting with producers and songwriters. Star Search Star Search had opened a lot of doors, and we tried to be as productive as possible while things were fresh in people's minds. We must have met with six or seven different lawyers just to try to learn how things work. People were so helpful, considerate and kind to me, but still, no one seemed to know what to do with me. I still wasn't able to communicate verbally what I wanted to do musically, and so there was no clear sense of direction for us to take. had opened a lot of doors, and we tried to be as productive as possible while things were fresh in people's minds. We must have met with six or seven different lawyers just to try to learn how things work. People were so helpful, considerate and kind to me, but still, no one seemed to know what to do with me. I still wasn't able to communicate verbally what I wanted to do musically, and so there was no clear sense of direction for us to take.

There were times in L.A. when my dad would ask me to sing, or talk to some executive about singing, and I just couldn't get the words out. Maybe I was overwhelmed by everything, or maybe I really was just too young to get it-but there were many moments where I was at a total loss for what to say. My personality wasn't yet fully developed, and the only way I knew to truly let go was when I was singing onstage. But you can't sing for every single second of your life, can you?

When everything simmered down in California, we went back home where, despite my new diagnosis, I continued to have a few local opportunities to sing. The doctors never told me not to sing, so I sang at our church, and at a few special events. I did the best I could, and simply tried to avoid singing for extended sets. I remember one show at Pioneer Day, which is a state holiday in Utah and kind of like the Fourth of July. The show producers put together some custom arrangements for me, including an orchestral version of ”Dream Sky High” with a full-blown orchestra and a background choir. The event itself was held in this grand and elegant hall in Salt Lake, Abravenal Hall. I walked onstage in my tuxedo and sang several songs including ”Joyful, Joyful,” ”Down by the River to Pray,” and, of course, ”Dream Sky High,” trying to enjoy the moment but knowing deep down that my voice wasn't what it used to be.

I tried to keep up with my singing as much as I could, but now I was thirteen and getting older, so I was also starting to think about the rest of my life. I couldn't do more than one or two songs in any performance, and it seriously b.u.mmed me out. I didn't think I could force my voice to work the way I wanted it to. Sometimes you just have to accept things the way they are, I told myself.

Here I am singing at a wedding in Utah.

I continued with my vocal therapy exercises. I'd go to my voice lessons for a while, and then I'd stop, feeling like the whole thing was a waste of time and that I'd never be able to sing like I used to. My situation was like someone who's suffered a stroke and needs to retrain certain muscles how to work. I literally needed to train my paralyzed vocal cord how to vibrate again. I did special exercises that helped strengthen the vocal cord little by little, and I learned to turn my head to one side while I sang, to relieve the cord that was doing all the work and to be sure the weak cord was having to vibrate. That seemed to help a little, but it was hard not to feel negative or discouraged at times. Sometimes I thought the whole therapy thing was going nowhere. Other times, I thought, maybe it will work; let's keep giving it a shot. But all in all, I wasn't too hopeful; I was starting to give up.

I thought, how could I possibly be a serious singer with a paralyzed vocal cord that will only get worse with time? Singing was getting harder and harder to do. I didn't have the energy I used to have when I was eleven-I figured I'd have to come up with other ways to make my life meaningful and complete. But up until now, besides family and friends, music was pretty much the only thing I ever wanted. From the moment, I got the diagnosis, life quickly went from Star Search Star Search to soul search. to soul search.

At school, I tried to be a normal kid. I wanted to be as una.s.suming as possible and simply have a life like all the rest of the kids around me. I just wanted to be normal. I would do little gigs here and there, but I was starting to treat it more like a hobby that I loved and less like a career path. It was almost time to start high school and I was excited to get to hang out with my friends and just do what other kids my age do. I started to focus on getting good grades and learning as much as I could so that I could make clear decisions when it was time for college.

From ninth through eleventh grades I just a.s.sumed the singing part of my life was over. I found a way to accept it by trying to be a bit more social and to even start brainstorming about what kind of direction I would take after school. I knew the SAT tests would be coming, so studying would certainly take some time and energy. I wanted to do well so that I could have real options down the line. There were so many subjects that were interesting to me, and there would soon come a time when I would have to make decisions about college and majors-things that I was really looking forward to and wanted to take as seriously as I did my singing.

Between eighth grade and ninth grade, I rediscovered running, which was an activity that always made me feel relaxed and peaceful as well as made my body feel good. I would run all the way from the house to school and I'd keep going on the track there. Running calmed me down and in general it was a great way to relieve stress. That summer, while I was running at the high school track, I was approached by the cross country coach who invited me to just come work out with his team. He said that as a ninth grader, I could even partic.i.p.ate in the meets if I wanted to. I met with them for a party, which meant we were going to go up the canyon and run, then meet at the bottom of the canyon and have a bonfire and just get to know one another as a team. I really enjoyed that, and during ninth grade, I did partic.i.p.ate in the high school meets. I continued running on my own a bit, but after ninth grade, I decided not to continue once I was actually in high school.

I wanted to be as una.s.suming as possible and simply have a life like all the rest of the kids around me.

But I couldn't kid myself too much. Though I was having fun at school with my friends, it was also kind of depressing because I felt like I had somehow lost a little piece of my ident.i.ty. I had spent a good part of my childhood with a microphone in my hand, and now I felt kind of useless. I started to wonder if maybe it was a test from G.o.d; maybe He wanted to see how strong I was, how open-minded I could be when faced with obstacles that were out of my control. With that in mind, I tried as hard as I could to see the bright side of things by being grateful for the fact that at least both of my vocal cords were not damaged, and that thankfully, I could still speak and sing a song or two now and again. I wanted to be optimistic. But very often, it was hard to find that bright side. I guess I saw it as a sign that singing maybe wasn't my path. You know what they say: Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

CHAPTER 5.

HOPE RISES.

”The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

-WINSTON CHURCHILL.

Sometimes it takes a miracle to reignite a person's pa.s.sion. Sometimes when you least expect it, the tables turn and that scary feeling that has taken hold of you for so long somehow turns into hope. Call it luck, call it help from above, call it whatever you will. As for me, I definitely believe some kind of miracle was at play when my voice, for no understandable or explainable reason, started to gradually feel better again over the period of a year or so from tenth grade to the eleventh grade. Maybe the vocal exercises and just taking it a lot easier vocally had made a difference after all. All I know is that when I tried to sing, I didn't have to work so hard. My sound was freer, my pitch was improving dramatically and my overall sense of control was getting back to where it was supposed to be.

I had been able to sing off and on during the previous few years, but only for short periods of time. I would get tired after just a few minutes and this continued for a year or so. But at a certain point, it seemed that gradually I was feeling better and better. After I was about fifteen or so, it suddenly felt like my voice was getting stronger and I could sing several songs at a time. I even started doing gigs again like singing at a wedding for one of my friend's sister and also for a corporate event that I was going to have to sing for about an hour.

I was still taking it slow because after all those years with ”my condition,” I felt that I'd gotten rusty, and I no longer had the confidence I'd had after the validation we'd gotten at the Idol Idol finale and throughout all the finale and throughout all the Star Search Star Search shows. In many ways, I was afraid to sing, or maybe afraid that I would remember just how much I loved to. When I look back, I think I was scared of rekindling this pa.s.sion because I didn't want to have to let it go again. I didn't want to set myself up for that kind of personal disappointment, and by now the truth is that I was okay with just being a normal kid. If I was naive about singing at age eleven, at age sixteen, it just made me anxious. But I was still grateful for the fact that I didn't have to suffer through a song anymore-even if I was just singing in the shower. shows. In many ways, I was afraid to sing, or maybe afraid that I would remember just how much I loved to. When I look back, I think I was scared of rekindling this pa.s.sion because I didn't want to have to let it go again. I didn't want to set myself up for that kind of personal disappointment, and by now the truth is that I was okay with just being a normal kid. If I was naive about singing at age eleven, at age sixteen, it just made me anxious. But I was still grateful for the fact that I didn't have to suffer through a song anymore-even if I was just singing in the shower.

Slowly but surely I started to sing again, just to test myself to see how much I could handle. Though the feelings that came up when I sang were still the same as they had always been, the process was a little different because my voice had lowered quite a bit and I was working with a new kind of sound. My taste had also evolved over the years and now I could sing songs by male vocalists that were more mature as I now had a more tenor range to my voice. There were also all these new genres I was exploring, so while I was still hesitant to sing full out, I have to admit that there was also a part of me that really wanted to dive back in. But you know how it is when you're a teenager: One minute you're super-excited about something, and the next minute you're doubting the exact same thing. But when you know something you can't just ”un-know” it, and the one thing I knew for sure was that nothing filled that void, that feeling, that I got from singing. All setbacks aside-insecurity, vocal paralysis and age (to name a few)-I still loved music and I felt that it was time for me to figure out a way to get back into it. I still felt a connection to it that was deeper than any of the setbacks themselves. I couldn't think of anything else in the world that I cared about more, and every time I would think about my purpose, the answers seemed to come in sounds. In melodies. In feelings. There was no escaping the fact that the music was still after me. When it came down to it, it was really very simple: I would rather sing than not sing.

At that point, we all decided it would be good to test the waters again by accepting a full-set gig. It had been three years since I'd sung more than a song or two at a time. Three years since I went for it with a full set, and three years since I felt confident enough to do so. I was out of practice and believed that any return to singing would pretty much mean having to start from scratch. Did I have the energy to do it all over again? After giving it a lot of thought and really trying to figure out if this was a door I wanted to reopen, I made a choice. I decided that this was one of those moments in life when I would have to choose optimism. I forced myself back into the saddle by agreeing to sing a full set of songs for a local performance. I didn't know what to expect, but I made a commitment to do my absolute best. I figured that if I gave it my best and things didn't work out, at least my conscience would be clear that it wasn't for lack of effort. My part, I thought, would be to try my hardest and be as positive as I could. Even though everything else felt a bit like a wild card, my intention to give it my all was the one variable that I could control.