Part 33 (1/2)
She had driven her own, since she had no physical injuries. Outside, the temperature was dropping. Roger had overheard the ER staff mentioning snow predicted before midnight.
The two of them went straight to Britt's apartment and showered together. Neither one found any erotic stimulation in this activity; emotional and physical exhaustion blotted out all other feelings. They lay together on Britt's bed, the room converted into a dim cave by the heavy drapes. Hard to believe it was only about noon. Britt reclined on one elbow, looking down at Roger.”You did kill him.”
”Yes.”
”How do you feel about that?”
The memory of the past few hours rushed in upon him. Fury welled up like bile in his throat. ”G.o.d, I wish I could bring him back to life and kill him again-slowly!”
”That kind of thinking is counterproductive.” Suddenly Britt began to tremble, clinging to him, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. Roger found himself crying, too.
When they'd calmed down, he said, ”When I-attacked-what did you see?”
”You, of course.” She sounded puzzled. ”You, defending me. What else?”
”Peter saw-I don't know what. A monster.”
Britt hugged him tighter. ”That was inhim , not in you.”
”I'm not so sure about that. Iwanted to terrorize him. I wanted to rip him to shreds. Britt, I killed a man.” Speaking the words aloud made the act real to him for the first time. ”Not in rational self-defense. In a fit of rage.”
”Reality test, Roger. Would you feel guilty if you'd had a gun and shot him to protect me?”
”Probably not, at least not in the same way.” A dark wave engulfed him. ”But you don't understand. Ienjoyed it.”
”I was cheering you on, so what does that make me? That adrenaline surge is a human thing. So is the drive to strike back at somebody who hurts you. It has nothing to do with your vampire half.”
”The way I felt, I could have torn him limb from limb and gloried in it.” The memory didn't stir any echo of that berserk exultation.
Nausea roiled in the pit of his stomach.
”Did it make you hungry? Did you want to drain him?”
”Good G.o.d, no!”
She laid her head on his chest. ”Then your anger might have been sinful, but it was a human sin.”
”There's one big difference. No ordinary human being can do that much damage without a weapon. What if, the next time, it's an ordinary mugger? Or someone who sc.r.a.pes my car in the parking lot? Or simply a man who looks at you the wrong way? Do they deserve instant death, too?”
Britt heaved a deep sigh. ”How different is that from a combat vet or a body-builder or a martial arts expert? We all have to learn to curb our instincts. Your problem may not be quite the same as other people's, but it doesn't make you a monster. Or absolve you from listening to your superego, for that matter.”
The cold lump in his chest began to thaw. ”It would be easy to use the 'monster' status as an excuse, wouldn't it? I don't suppose you've changed your mind about serving as my super-ego?”
”No, thanks, I decline that nomination. And Jiminy Cricket is otherwise employed.” She stroked Roger's jaw and teased the corners of his mouth. ”Enough, this is too soon to think about it. Do you need to-”
He felt no appet.i.te, only a yearning to sink into the enfolding shelter of her love. ”I thought-I didn't think you'd want to be touched.”
”You call that thinking?” she said with mock severity. ”I know the difference between rape and love.”
”Really, I can't, not so soon after-that. And you shouldn't. We both need sleep more than anything. Do you need help relaxing?”
She nestled into the curve of his arm. ”Not now.”
SLEEP THREW HIM back into that locked room, with his eyes burning from the glare of the sun. Britt lay supine on the floor; this time, though, her arms and legs were immobilized, chained to wooden pegs driven through the rug into the floorboards. She arched her back like a bow, keening her terror and pain. Roger strained to rise from the bed and release her. Like a stake through the heart, the sun pinned him down.
Peter Kovak stood over Britt, straddling her. He aimed the revolver at her chest. It fired. The deafening crack plunged Roger into darkness.
HIS EYES SNAPPED open. Britt, curled against him, trembled and gasped. When he touched her shoulder, she opened her eyes and stared blankly for a second before waking to full awareness.
”Oh, man.” She swiped a hand across her face. ”Nightmare. You, too?”
He nodded.
”I'll bet it was the same one.” She stretched, then rested her head on his shoulder. ”An unwanted side effect of the bond that I never would've expected.”
”Nor I.” His breathing slowed to normal. ”I'm almost afraid to go back to sleep, not if it does that to you. To both of us.”
”Something else is bothering you,” she said. ”Besides com mitting manslaughter and worrying about a homicidal vampire lurking somewhere out there.”
”Oh, you don't think that's enough?”
”You know I can sense when you're not leveling with me,” she said.
”If so, I'm not conscious of it myself.” Under the gentle pressure of her attention, he mulled over the images swarming in the back of his mind. One that he hadn't expected drifted to the surface. ”Good Lord, I didn't realize-” His lungs tightened.I can't tell her that. It's too petty.
”What is it, Roger?”
”It's ridiculous. I don't even want to mention something so trivial and self-absorbed, compared to what you've been through.”
”You might as well,” she said, tracing circles on his chest, ”because I won't leave you alone until you talk.”
”While your life was in danger, I realized how I've-deprived you-destroyed your chance for normal love.”
”What!” She brought her unprofessional shock under control. ”Explain yourself, and don't give me any nonsense about home, family, and the patter of little feet. That would be illogical, even for you, since you know I had my tubes tied a month before we met. I have no desire to get pregnant at age thirty-five-plus, and if I ever wanted children after all, I'd adopt.” ”There's one other significant thing an ordinary man can give you that I can't.” He drew a deep breath and forced out the next words. ”What Peter tried to do-he could hurt you that way, and I can never give you-”
”Oh, Roger!” Britt's hands ma.s.saged his temples, coaxing him to relax. ”I've told you over and over that I don't miss it.”
”So you have, and I know you're sincere-or think you are. Nevertheless, that doesn't prove you don't, on some level, feel cheated.”
”Why me, Lord?” Britt muttered. ”Why couldn't I have fal len for some nice, straightforward, simple-minded man of action, like my brother-in-law?” She laid her head on his shoulder again.
”I didn't realize that particular omission bothered you so much.”
”Nor did I, until a crisis made me aware of it,” Roger admitted.
”The obvious remedy is to take direct action and correct the omission,” Britt said.
”You know I can't-”