Part 10 (1/2)

”You are focusing too much on me,” Liu said. ”Loosen your mind, perceive everything.”

I snorted. ”Last time, s.h.i.+ Fu, you were telling me to focus on your eyes.”

”And in contemplation of the contradiction, your mind will approach the ideal.”

Liu didn't smile much, but I had a feel for his sense of humor. Our one minute breather over, we lifted the padded gloves and closed again.

I took great care when I sparred with his other students. On top of ten years studying martial arts, my strength and speed had increased since I was bitten. I didn't want to break someone's jaw accidentally.

This was not a concern with Liu. Despite being older than me, he was startlingly quick and elusive. I got a real thrill out of landing more than a couple of blows on him in a sparring session like this one, where we were essentially boxing, limiting ourselves to punches.

It focused me. It helped force me to put everything else aside and concentrate on hitting that weaving target without picking up too many hits myself. That would be good at the moment-I could come back fresh to the problems of what to do before the colonel arrived on Monday.

Liu enjoyed it as well, usually.

He called an end after the next flurry of blocks and jabs. We'd worked up a sweat, but I had expected a couple more rounds.

”Come,” he said, stripping his gloves and head protector off. He walked to the corner of the Kwan. ”Follow me in the form.”

He started to move through one of the standard forms. My body hitched onto the muscle memory and I flowed along with him without having to think about it.

”Good,” he said. ”The body is engaged. The small mind is engaged. The large mind can roam free.” He sank into an asymmetric stretch. ”And you can tell me what is bothering you.”

”Huh?” I missed a move and had to catch up.

”You're never fully absorbed in the moment, Amber,” he said, spinning on the spot and blocking attacks from imaginary a.s.sailants. ”You always hold a little back. But today, you are holding a lot back. Why?”

We stepped back in sync. ”I'm bothered by things at work.”

”This is seldom so. What bothers people may be rooted in work or fed at work, but more often it is simply that it remains unresolved in the time spent at work.” He crouched and came up smoothly on one leg, held it perfectly still. ”What is work?”

I wobbled a bit, thrown by the question. ”Everything I do when I'm in uniform.”

”So all the rest is play.”

I didn't talk to anyone, other than the colonel, about what I did for the army. I was living two lives and there was a sense of inevitability that they would cross. I'd dealt with stress and secrecy in Ops 4-10, but I'd had support from people in the same position. Here, I was alone. I had no one I could truly share with, let alone receive support from. Sure, I had help from the PD. Help appropriate for a rookie doing her job.

There wasn't any play. It had all but disappeared into the colonel's work, exercise, eating and sleeping. I didn't want to lie to Liu.

My balance went to h.e.l.l, and I had to bring my foot down and move into the next sequence of moves early. d.a.m.n. I came here to stop thinking about these things.

He sighed.

”Sit,” he said, folding down into a half lotus. I copied him.

There was a small cla.s.s doing exercises at the other end of the Kwan, leaving us alone.

”I enjoy you attending this Kwan,” he said and paused. ”But I am worried for you.”

”s.h.i.+ Fu?”

”Your training in the army has given you such control. The Western world calls this 'iron control.' You use this to completely hide things deep inside.” He held up a hand to stop me from interrupting. ”But iron can rust. Iron can become brittle. There are angers and forces buried in you that will find their way out. If they do this by themselves they can destroy you.”

Liu could sound obscure at times, but we'd never had a conversation like this before. With anyone else, it would have just been embarra.s.sing. But Liu seemed to be talking to something inside me that was taking note.

”Whatever it is, you cannot continue to do what you are doing,” he said. ”You must change. You will change; you have no option except how much you are in control of the change.”

Well, what would he advise, if I told him everything that was happening?

Even thinking about it at a mundane level: should I become a PI? Cut myself off from what little support the police were able to provide me? At least then, I wouldn't be keeping things from them.

”Everywhere you hide your true self, you do damage, to yourself and to those you are hiding from.”

Would he say I should stop seeing my family?

Liu watched me mull through what he'd said.

”If you wish, we will talk again, after sessions.”

I nodded silently.

”For now, trust to your instincts more. Trust them against the rote learning that tells you that things must be so. You are more powerful than you think, if you let yourself be.”

He rose suddenly. ”Now, more sparring,” he said.

”Boxing again?” I put my gloves back on, but he shook his head.

”Jujitsu, I think. Not with me. With Tullah.”

”Who?”

”Me.”

I turned to look and sighed. I was going to have to go back to being careful again. Tullah was shorter and slighter than me, and she looked as if she was still in college. She was some exotic blend of Chinese, but martial arts aren't braided into the genome, they have to be learned. Liu sometimes had me sparring against students who thought they had come a long way. A sort of salutary lesson against getting big-headed.

If she read my thoughts, she made no sign of it. Her face, partly covered by the head protector, was s.h.i.+ny and open. She moved well at least.

We squared off on the mats and I made a standard lunge. A feint, to see how quickly she got out of the way.

She didn't jerk back, she didn't move away. She moved in. Inside the span of my arms, she canceled any advantage of reach I had. My weight was too far forward, my center of gravity higher than hers, and she grabbed the collar of my gi, crouched and twisted herself, so that my momentum made me fall over her. Then she heaved and I was tossed in the air.

Luckily, all the necessary reactions had been burned into me. I tucked up and rolled right back onto my feet, coming back up ready for a secondary attack. Purely as a matter of form.

It was a good thing that kind of action had been drilled into me. Tullah was right in there, pressing home her attack.

Instincts took over and I caught her coming in off balance against my stable stance. I thumped her in the belly and then threw her over my hip.