Part 8 (1/2)
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LIAP.
Yes, LIAP - laugh you fools! To you LIAP means nothing but to us herberts in Italy it means Leave in Blighty! The home of Spotted d.i.c.ks and Treacle, Saveloy and Mushy Peas.
The withdrawal of the musicians from active service must be carefully planned, plinned and plonned! QMS Drew Taylor, our Svengali, has arranged a roster so that twixt July and October, the band will range from Full Orchestra in July, down to a selection from Piano, Drums, Ba.s.s and three Saxes, then just Piano and Double Ba.s.s in September. In October there would be one week with just a man banging a dustbin lid and whistling. It was better than nothing, but only just. The band felt a new importance. Without us, eighty per cent of entertainment was curtailed.
Why I was so overjoyed at the prospect of leave in the UK was silly. In Italy I was eating better, getting paid better and all in suns.h.i.+ne. No! it was that thing called 'home': wanting to get back to what it was before it all happened. Alas, there was no going back, ever. It would never be the same again for any of us. We were dreaming, chum. Now I furtively release this letter I wrote to my pal in 19 Battery, then 'somewhere in Holland':
GNR T.A. MILLIGAN.
675024.
'O' BRANCH GHQ 2nd ECHELON CMF.
13/6/45.
MY DEAR OLD SPLATTER GUTZ,.
ITS ABOUT TIME WE GOT IN CONTACT, WITH EACH OTHER.
IT WAS NOT UNTIL THE OTHER DAY I WAS SURE WHERE THE REGIMENT WERE...YOU LOW Sk.u.m...STAND BACK HUP THERE...LEAWVE ME IN THIS STINKING HOLE WITH NO LETTERS HUP THERE...HI...HUP. SO YOU HAVE HAD LEAVE IN BLIGHTY...YOU LOW SOD HUP THERE LLLLHO...HUP THERE...STAND BACK WHILE HE ARISES...AND I SUPPOSE THERE WAS MUCH NECKING WITH THE HACKER...EH???HUP THERE...HO...HI YOU Sk.u.mFILTH...AND DID YOU ATTEMOT TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME...DID YOU...F.....ARSOLES...HI...HUP THERE...STAND BACK LET HIM UP...W.H.A.C.K....TAKE THAT...WALLLOOOOPPPPP...SWAT...YOU DONT LIKE IT...KLUNK...(RIGHT ON HIS FILTHY CRUST) AND WHAT IS IT LIKE IN BLA.....???? DONT TELL ME TOU SWINE...FILTHY BLACK DROOLING SWINE...BLAM...RIGHT IN THE OLD BREAD BASKET...HI THERE HUP...HO...HOW IS THE OLD BAND GOING...EH...OH ITS FINE...WELL TAKE THAT...KLUD SPLAT...RIGHT IN THE KNCKERS...HO HO HIS FACE IS TURNIG A TRIFLE BLUE...AND IT CANT BE THE COLD SIR...YOUR PHOTO WAS IN THE 'TATLER WITH THE REST OF THE CONCERT PARTY A LA ROMA...YOUVE SEEN IT EH???? WELL TAKE THAT...BLATSMAZSH...RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES...HO THERE HUP ITS YER OLD FORGOTTON DUS2Y PAL SPIKE...CLANG...ON THE s.h.i.+N WITH A BRa.s.s ROLLING PIN...HA IT HURTS.WHACK.WHACK. WHACK...HEH HEH HEH...TEE HEE HEE.....MY BROTHER DESMOND IS IN HAMBURG...IN THE OX AND BUCKS...TRY AND LOOK HIM UP...TAKIMNG OF LOOKING UP...LOOK AT THAT AEROPLANE.....KRUNCH SPLAT RIGHT IN THE GLOTTIS...HO THERE HUP...HI AND AWAY TO THE SPANISH TWIST PIPE. I'M BACK IN CIRCULATION ON THE HORN...AND LEADING A 4 PIECE BRa.s.s SECTION...PLUS FOUR SAXES...WE CAME 4th IN THE ALL ITALY CONTEST...OH YOU HAVENT HEARD ABOUT IT WELL...ZONGKLUD...FOR YOU STUPID OLD a.r.s.e.....AND IM IN AGE GROUP 28.....SO ILL BE GOING HOME ABOUT THE SAME TIME AS YOU...WE WILL HAVE A PARTY WITH A BIG CLUB IN THE CORNOR...AND DO YOU KNOW WAHT HAPPENS WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT...???? YOU MAKE A GRAB FOR HACHER...BUT DO YOU REACHER.?. HO HO NO NO HI HUP! THERE.!..DONG!!!RIGHT ON YOUR CRUST COMES THE LAVISH KNOWLEDGED NAIL FILLED CLUB...OH OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH MY POOR BATTERED CRUST YOU MOAN...HEE HEE WHACK...AND IS QUIT BAR THE MONOTOUS KLUNK OF THE KLUB ON YOU KRUST!!! EVERY ONE IS
Transcribed typed letter to Harry Edgington, June 13 1945[image]
Calligraphy experts have described the handwriting as 'critical', and who are we to argue with qualified nursing sisters?
While waiting for LIAP, we continue to play for dances, but as the photo shows I have been promoted to the right, so I am within hitting distance of the pianist.
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The new white jacket band on a cloth of gold, plus a moustache...
Notice too I have grown a moustache, bra.s.s players swear it: 'bound the embouchure'. It made me swear, a real real b.l.o.o.d.y bind, and shaving became difficult, but, you see, Robert Taylor had grown one and I couldn't let him get away with it. b.l.o.o.d.y bind, and shaving became difficult, but, you see, Robert Taylor had grown one and I couldn't let him get away with it.
The Torch of Love is Extinguished One letter did it. Lily Dinley is getting married! That's bad enough, but, to another man man. That's terrible. This was the girl I had carried a torch for. Though she had officially left me, I lived in hopes that one day she'd officially come back, if only to get the money I owed her. I prayed she would change her mind or her body; as long as the latter stayed the same shape as when I last saw it at 47 Revlon Road, Brockley - it was better than egg and chips. Anyway, her letter sent me into the depths of depression and when I arrived, no one was down there. This letter lets in the light for you dear dear readers. I've excised certain parts which would not interest you; they just contained certain private measurements.
Students of punctuation will be rolling on the floor.
BDR TA MILLIGAN.
95_024.
O BRANCH GHQ 2nd Echelon CMF.
Dear Old Boy, A thousand pardons for failing to write to you for so long...when I explain the reason you will understand only too well...Lily got maried about two month back, and I have been on the boose ever since...honest son, nothing ever hit me so hard...I wors.h.i.+pped that girl in my own peculiar fas.h.i.+on...lets forget it eh?. I suppose you have heard about the [blanked]
well old Harry, I'm going home to Blighty in three weeks time...What are the chances of seeing you old son??? I will drop in and see you people in any case. Its raining oceans in Italy to day. Harry I well be hoping to settle down in N London after the war...(On my own) so i would like very much to be seeing a lot of you and your gang at my place (Where ever that is)...I don't quite know what I'm going to do without Lily.....9 years is a long time to be in love with one girl.....Lets forget it.....I want you to give all the following PTO [blanked]
NASH, and any that I may have forgotten. WELL x.x.xX x.x.xX Harry I am tn the dumps...I don't know what the h.e.l.l I'm going to do on leave...I have no b.l.o.o.d.y home to go to and the girl?...ha ha what b.l.o.o.d.y mockery life is...dont take any notice of the depression I8m laying on, write soon harry... Harry I am tn the dumps...I don't know what the h.e.l.l I'm going to do on leave...I have no b.l.o.o.d.y home to go to and the girl?...ha ha what b.l.o.o.d.y mockery life is...dont take any notice of the depression I8m laying on, write soon harry...
Your Sincere friend Spike
Transcribed typed letter But despite Lily, I was still writing to my harem in the UK- Beryl, Bette, Mae, Ivy; there were shortages in England, but not of this.
Zounds! It's too much to believe. ”The Band are to have a week's leave in Rome,” says Major New. ”It's for the good work you've all done.”
I didn't understand. We'd never done any work. As if this is not enough, dear reader, on the 23 July my life is enriched by the legacy of Startling Grope. He's left orders that from this day henceforth I am to be promoted to Unpaid Acting Bombardier. No money, but I can put two stripes on my sleeve and I don't have to curtsy to Sergeants any more. Startling Grope has his little joke, for one day later...I am now PAID BOMBARDIER!
”Someone has blundered,” says Sergeant Britton, who is now only one stripe ahead! I catch lovely long Captain Thelma Oxnevad. I show her my two stripes. ”Any chance now?” I say, but before she can answer me I am laid low - not by illness, no, by treatment. Typhus inoculation. First shot.
”Roll your sleeve up,” said a Medical Orderly. ”Just a little p.r.i.c.k.”
I said I could see he was.
”Can you feel that?” he said.
”Yes, coming out the other side.”
He was well pleased.
Soon I'm in bed with a high temperature.
”Have you heard the news?” says Steve, holding up a paper.
I listen. I can't hear anything. What's he mean? I am am the news. the news.
”They've dropped the Atom Bomb.”
Very good Steve, but who's who's dropped it on dropped it on who? who? The Yanks! Of course! They've got the money. He held up the paper. The Yanks! Of course! They've got the money. He held up the paper.