Part 8 (1/2)

900 pm Jules watches The Bill, while I continue to read Graha if this is to be ht in a double cell

DAY 35 WEDNESDAY 22 AUGUST 2001

6:O4 ale cell

Write for tiro hoursH5a from behind the hotplate

M0 aned fro up thirty minutes before the ; of us just to be abused by inh

I see my name is chalked up on the blackboard outside the l office to report to the SO, Mr Meanwell I go straight to the e He has a registered letter for me, and slits it open

He a two-sided typedWhile he checks inside the envel-I for drugs, in to read the letter, and after only a paragraph, pass it back to Mr Meanwell

When he peruses it, a look of disbelief comes over his face

The writer wants to borrow 10,000 to invest in 'an i to split the profits fifty-fifty

'How often do you get one of these?' he asks

Two or three ti for suht up to a million for yet another ”impossible to lose deal”'

”By the way,' he says as he handstoday' By the way, by the way, by the way - so casual for him, so important totransferred to a prison nearer his ho his cell to an inmate ill take over his responsibilities as cleaner Once that's been sorted out,'

- Mr Meanwell is old enough still to include the word 'out' -'we'll ht to the enhanced spur,' he admits, ”but there were two reasons not to First, the spur needs a cleaner and you wouldn't be my first choice for that particular job, and second, I want you on the quieter side where it's not possible for other prisoners to peer through yourduring exercise'

Once I leave Mr Meanwell, I go in search of David (whisky bootlegger and spur cleaner) I find hi around the floor of the induction corridor He invitesto his present cell on the first floor which, co, is the difference between Fawlty Towers and the Ritz

1100 alary) if I'll sponsor hiree to 1 aas it comes out of my private finances and not my canteen account Otherwise I'll be without food and bottled water for several weeks He assures n up He sticks with us for half a circuit, by which tilar our probation officer, Lisa Dada, so despises He's twenty-seven years old and has spent eight of the last ten years in jail He si words are, 'I'm out in six weeks' time, Jeff, but don't worry, your house is safe' I realize those of you who have never been to jail e, but I now feel more sympathy for some of the lars

It was soan to ponder on how he could run thirteenhalf the local con-stabulary to make sure he didn't escape I'll ask him tomorrow

Jason (conspiracy to blackratulates le cell

”It hasn't happened yet,' I remind him

”No, but it will this afternoon'

Prison has many similarities to the outside world One is that you quickly discover who actually knohat's going on and who only picks up fag ends Jason knows exactly what's happening

'Of course, if you want to,' Jason adds, 'you can always get yourself transferred to another prison'

'And hoould I e that?'

'Write yourself a note and drop it in the con it It's known as ”the grass box”'

'And ould I have to suggest?'

'Archer is offeringpoint

If they believe it, you'd be transferred the saround'12 noon Lunch The hotplate see proceedings It looks as if Sergio has been promoted to No 1 in his place, because he now stands next to the duty officer and hands out the dishes according to whether you're one, two, three (vegetarian) or four

Three,' Sergio says, without even glancing at the list, and then carefully selects my dish The transfer of power has in no way affected ain so I'ramme With the new medicine ball exercise I'm up to fifteen, with a one-rateful when Mr Maiden blows the five-minute whistle so I can waryer have a gym card It's been stolen every day since I arrived, and theto-issue me with a new one

330 p for ed up at four o'clock,'

she says, 'I'll leave your door open because we're going to move you across to nume, I feel sure she would put me on report, so I simply say, Thank you'

Once I's into the Bel- in preparation for the move to the other side of the block I a before four

This will be hth er) is waiting for ood manners that he has left the room spotless

Now that I have an extra cupboard, it takes o Although the cell reulation five paces by three, it suddenly feels er have to share the cra to keep out of sora to check whose slippers you've put on, that you're using your own toothpaste, soap, even lavatory paper

No io and Steveparty,' Darren explains, 'and, like any good party, we coio has three five-by-five-inch steel ulation size He fixes them on the ith prison toothpaste I can now see my head and upper body for the first time in five weeks

Steve supplies - can you believe it - net curtains to hide lare of the fluores- cent lights Jiht all the paraphernalia needed - board, Blu-tack, etc - to attach my family photos to the wall

lad Darren deift, because he's coer will I have to shave inelse you require, my lord?' Steve enquires

'I' team admits defeat A survey has been carried out and it's been discovered that I am the only prisoner on the block who purchases bottled water from the canteen