Part 5 (1/2)

I switch on the TV Australia are 241 for 3, and Ponting is 144 not out Together with Waugh, they've put on 1701 switch off Why did I ever switch on?

After supper, I go down to the association roo Ecstasy tablets) playing snooker for a Mars bar It's the first ti, and what'sthrashed by a far superior player It's a subject I know a little about as I was President of the World Snooker association before I was convicted Jimry animal, he has to be fed at least twice a day We take it in turns to hand over a Mars bar It's a cheap way of keeping hiotten, Dale is six foot three and weighs twenty-seven stone

After the game is over, the three of us join Darren in the exercise yard Daleback in, exhausted, while the three of us carry on for the full forty-fivethe second circuit, I tell the of my cell (Belmarsh), and ask if they know of any artists in Wayland Jimmy tells me that there is a brilliant (his word) artist on C block I ask if he will introduce me

'Be warned, he's weird,' says Jiainst you'

I tell Ji with artists for the past thirty-five years and I've never met one who could be described as normal It's all part of their appeal

'I feel like a drink,' says Darren as the evening sun continues to beat down on us 'Know anyone who's got some hooch?' he asks Jih, a laugh that suggests I still have much to learn 'Every block,' says Darren, 'has a hotplate man, a cleaner, a tea-boy and a painter They're all appointed bythe screws and are paid around twelve pounds a week Every block also has a drug dealer, a haircutter, a clothes-washer and a brewer C block has the best brewer - for a two-pound phonecard, you can get half a litre of hooch'

'But what's it ar, water and orange juice It's harder to produce during the suh your cell to be boiling in order to feret decent hooch in August' 'What's it taste like?'

'Awful, but at least it's guaranteed to get you drunk,'

says Jimmy ”Which kills off a few more hours of your sentence, even if you wake up with one hell of a hangover'

'If you're desperate,' Darren adds, 'fresh orange juice is still on the canteen list'

'How does that help?'

'Just leave it on yourledge in the sun for a few days, and you'll soon find out'

”But where can you hide the hooch once you'veplace,' Darren pauses, 'but unfortunately they discovered it'

Ji,' Darren continues, 'the nu around inebriated When breathalysed, he registered way above the li squad were called in, and every cell on the spur was stripped bare, but no alcohol of any kind was discovered His hiding place would have remained a mystery if a srabbed the nearest fire extinguisher and pointed it in the direction of the blaze, only to find that the flaher An immediate halt was called by the chef who fortunately understood the effects of ethanol, otherwise the prison round A full enquiry was held, and three inhooch”'

'In fact,' said Darren, 'It wasn't hooch they were guilty of brewing This particular strain of neat alcohol had been h six slices of bread into a plasticany i to saoes on to point out that not only are sohter than the officers, but they also have twenty-fourhours every day to think up such scheet on with their job

'But the best hooch I ever tasted,' said Darren, ”had a secret ingredient'

'And as that, ht on to how much yeast it contained, they took it off the canteen list' He pauses

'So noe just steal the yeast from the kitchen'

”damn,' I said 'I like Marmite; it was on the Belh reason, my lord, to be transferred back to Belmarsh,' says Darren 'Mind you,' he adds, 'perhaps I should have a ith the governor, now it's known that you are partial to it'

I kick hi in the opposite direction

'Did you see that, Mr Chap me'

'I'll put him on report, and he'll be back in Belmarsh by the end of the week,' Mr Chaph as we continue on the perimeter circuit However, I point out how easy it is toit takes to refute it It's been athat I had stolen money intended for the Kurds, and it will probably be another month before the police confirm there is no case to answer

'But just think about that for a minute, Jeffrey If it hadn't been for that bitch Nicholson, you would never have reatly to your knowledge of prison life, but enabled a further volume to be written'

730 pe for me in the office I'istered letters are always opened in front of two officers, around eleven eachthe office door before he hands over a copy of Alan Clark's Diaries, a pad and a book of staulations daoes on to say that my ill be searched when she visits the prison tomorrow We're all embarrassed about it,'

he adds, 'but it will be no worse than at an airport But perhaps it ht be wise to let her know By the way, the press are still hanging about hoping to catch her when shearrives' I thank hies of the Clark Diaries, which I enjoy every bit as much a second tiet a dinner party he gave at Saltwood just before the general election in 1997 Alan posed the question to his guests, 'What do you think the majority will be at the next election?' Most of the asseht Labour would win by over a hundred The only dissenter was Michael Howard, as Home Secretary at the time He put up a bold defence of John Major's aduests that he felt it was still possible for the Conservatives to win the next election Alan told hi in cloud cuckoo land I don't know to this day if Michael was sih I can tell you that, like John Major, he is one of those people who doesn't cross over to the other side of the road when you're in trouble

1000 pry - eat a bowl of cornflakes and a Mars bar Check my clothes - still not dry I don't bother with another of John Mortito read about them

DAY 30

FRIDAY 17 AUGUST 2001

609 a I notice when I wake is that my Mach3 razor has disappeared The wash basin is next to the door In future, after I've shaved, I'll have to hide it in my cupboard It would have to be stolen on the day Mary is visiting me; I want to be clean shaven but I don't want to cut myself to ribbons with a prison razor It also reminds me that, because I hadn't expected to be convicted, I've been wearing ines watch for the pastthe visit this afternoon

815 ao down to the hotplate, I extract a letter from yesterday's mail that is in Spanish Dale has told me that one of the servers on the hotplate hails from Colombia, so he should be able to translate it for io, and he usually stands quietly on the end ofthe line, handing out the fruit I pass the missive across to him, and ask if we could meet later He nods, and hands me a banana in return

900 aain held in the room with the comfy chairs For the first time the other prisoners show some interest Why? Because this is how they'll earn their weekly wage The head of education introduces herself as Wendy She rey hair, wears a flowery blouse, white skirt and sensible shoes She has the air of a headmistress Wendy wheels a little projector up to the front, and begins a slide show Using the white brick wall as a backdrop, she shows us what her department has to offer The first slide reveals five options: Basic skills English as an additional language Social and life skills Business skills Art, craft and design 'Education,' Wendy points out, 'is part-time (one session a day), so you can only earn seven pounds thirty-five per week' The other prisoners don't take a great deal of interest in this slide, but immediately perk up when the second chart flashes on to the wall VT and CIT training courses: Bricklaying Plu MotorComputer application The weekly pay for any one of these courses is also 735, but does give you a basic training for when you return to the outside world

When the final slide co their collective lips, because this offers not only real earning power, but a position of responsibility plus perks The extra uarantees a more substantial canteen list each week (extra tobacco) and even the opportunity to save so for when you are released The slide reveals:Plastic recycling 1015 per week Ration packing 935 Gardening (one of thelist) 900 General cleaner 670 Works 850 Kitchen 850 Stores (very popular, longer waiting list than the MCC) 1000 Chapel 800 Drug rehabilitation unit 670 Before she can turn back to face her audience, the questions come thick and fast Wendy points out thatlists, even washi+ng-up, as there are far more prisoners than jobs Wendy handles the questions sy offered one of these more remunerative positions