Part 22 (2/2)

'Which G.o.d do you believe in, Tang?' Meili asks, noticing a picture of the G.o.d of Longevity above a potted bamboo tree by the doorway.

'None of the G.o.ds you see in the temples, that's for sure. I used to believe in another kind of G.o.d, but less so since I've returned to China.'

'I want to visit the Golden Flower Mother statue in Foshan and ask her whether she thinks I should give birth.'

'The baby's been inside you for five years now, hasn't it? It's time you let it come out. You've already broken the Guinness World Record for the longest pregnancy!'

'No, there's a ninety-year-old woman in this province who was pregnant for sixty years. Anyway, it's not as if I haven't tried to give birth to my child. I went into labour and pushed as hard as I could, but she simply refused to come out.' It's always a relief to Meili when she's able to refer to Heaven as a girl.

'I've heard that a strict new director has been a.s.signed to the County Family Planning a.s.sociation, so Heaven Towns.h.i.+p might not be a safe refuge for pregnant women for much longer.'

'As long as I stay near that filthy lake, I should be fine. Officers don't like having to trudge through all the rubbish down there, and even when they do come, I always manage to send them packing. Did you realise that the lake is the same shape as the womb of an eight-month-pregnant woman? To think that I moved to Heaven so that I wouldn't have any more babies! I was a.s.sured the air here kills human sperm. But the first night I arrived, I got myself knocked up!'

'Ha! You make me laugh! You're so fresh and natural.'

'Coa.r.s.e and uneducated, that's what you mean!' It suddenly occurs to Meili that although she can now buy almost anything she wants, her new wealth has given her no meaningful satisfaction. During the years they were too poor to eat out at restaurants, she, Kongzi and Nannan were much closer. They appreciated each other's company more and had time to savour the simple pleasures their meagre income allowed.

'No, you're strong, invulnerable. You haven't allowed any of the ordeals you've suffered to dent your spirit.'

'Well, I've had to develop a thick skin. Can you imagine the looks I've got, walking around town with this belly for five years? Family planning officers stop me in the street and tell me my bulge is bad for the town's image and that I should hurry up and give birth. But I tell them that little Heaven is living in my womb, eating my food. She's no burden to the state. She has a right to stay inside me as long as she likes. I told them that as soon as the government repeals the One Child Policy, I'll give birth to her. As soon as it promises that every child born in China will be given full legal citizens.h.i.+p, I'll tug her out with my own hands, if I have to.'

'You should be more careful. Haven't you read that in other parts of this county, women are dragged off the streets and given forced abortions? It happens every day.'

'I know. It happened to me too, once. The doctors injected poisons into my fetus hoping to kill it, but when he came out, he was still alive, so they strangled him to death right in front of me.'

'That's not an abortion,' Tang says, his face turning pale. 'That's cold-blooded murder! I had no idea you'd experienced such a terrible thing.' He rubs his chin and casts a concerned glance at Nannan.

'So, you see, until this government decides to stop killing children, Heaven is safer staying where she is. As her mother, all I can do is provide her with a warm home. Unless someone comes to demolish it and force her out, she can stay inside as long as she likes. She and I will just take each day as it comes.' She sprinkles some white pepper onto her congee and swallows a small spoonful.

'You're like the heroine of a Victorian novel, rebelling against oppressive convention in the pursuit of happiness! Yes, you have that air of stubborn defiance. Have you read Charlotte Bronte?'

Meili shakes her head, blus.h.i.+ng at her ignorance. 'No, I haven't read that book. But do lend it to me, if you have a copy.'

Knowing she was coming out to lunch today, she had her white s.h.i.+rt washed at the New China Hotel, whose laundry is sent to Foshan and returns smelling not of burnt plastic but of roses and osmanthus. Despite her apprehension, she'd been looking forward to this meal, but now she wishes she could grab Nannan's hand and leave.

Instead, she serves Nannan some deep-fried squid and says, 'When I get to the office tomorrow, I'd like to go through last year's accounts and cross off all the bad creditors from our client list. What do you think?'

'Let's not talk about tomorrow. So, tell me, how did you see in the new year?'

'We just ate dumplings and watched the televised gala. Spring Festival was so much more fun when I was a child. At the crack of dawn, we'd walk round the village visiting our neighbours and they'd fill our pockets with boiled sweets.' She remembers tying a brand-new scarf around her head before setting off one new year's morning. The inky smell of the stiff cotton swirled around her all day.

'Have you taken any festive photographs with the digital camera I gave you for Christmas?' Tang asks.

'Not yet. I want the first photograph I take with it to be of little Heaven.' Meili notices Nannan drawing faces on her fingers with a ballpoint pen, and nudges her to stop.

'The camera will be out of date by then! Now we've entered the digital age, electronic products will become obsolete within months. Everyone wants to upgrade to larger screens, bigger hard drives, more memory, so e-waste is growing at an alarming rate. Did you know that Heaven received five times more e-waste this year than it did in the last three?' Seeing Meili's eyes begin to glaze over, he draws a red envelope from his pocket and hands it to Nannan. 'This is my New Year gift to you,' he says. 'There's some Lucky Money inside!'

Nannan opens the envelope. 'Wow! A hundred yuan! Cool! Lulu's mother only gave me one yuan. Thank you, Uncle Tang. Can I buy a plane ticket with it?'

Meili is embarra.s.sed that she's only put ten yuan in the red envelope for little Hong, so she excuses herself, sneaks off to the toilet and replaces it with a hundred-yuan note.

As Tang answers his phone on their way out of the restaurant, Meili takes the opportunity to say a brief goodbye, then hails a tricycle rickshaw which agrees to take them to Foshan for forty yuan. 'What's the point of going to see the Golden Flower Mother statue?' Nannan says grumpily. 'You think she can phone your baby and tell it to come out?' Some of the faces on her fingers are crying, some are laughing.

'Oh, shut up, and stop grumbling.' During the last few months, Meili has tried to be tolerant of Nannan's bad moods, but occasionally her patience snaps.

'Mum, can you put a red spot here between my eyebrows,' Nannan says as they approach the centre of Foshan half an hour later. 'It's called a ”Lucky Dot”. I read it can protect you from demons.'

'Wait a second, we're here now. Let's get off!' Meili takes out her lipstick as she climbs off the rickshaw, but just as she's about to dab some between Nannan's eyebrows, a large crowd pushes them forward, so she quickly drops the lipstick back into her bag.

They pa.s.s a line of food stalls with greasy mutton skewers smoking on charcoal braziers and semi-raw pigs' trotters simmering in woks, then enter the large temple and are hit by clouds of incense smoke. Meili sits down, and nearly retches from the oily stench and feels Heaven's stomach turn as well.

'Mum, is it true that Heaven won't come out unless I disappear?' Nannan asks, as Meili rises to her feet.

'No, no, what made you think that?' she answers, looking distractedly at the visitors jostling past.

'You said you're afraid of giving birth to Heaven because you've already got me.'

'No, it has nothing to do with you,' Meili replies, taking Nannan's hand and following the crowd into the main hall. When they reach the Golden Buddha, Meili prostrates before it like everyone else, but forgets what she should be praying for. On her left, she hears a young man pray for success in his university entrance exams, and on her right a taxi driver pray for a prolonged rainy season that will bring him more customers. Her mind clearing at last, she clasps her hands together, looks up at the Buddha and prays that her mother's cancer will be cured, that her brother will be released safely from the labour camp, and that Waterborn is not begging on a street corner but is being looked after by a nice family who give her good meals three times a day . . . The loud murmur of voices around her makes her lose her train of thought. She gets up, takes Nannan's hand and goes to look for the statue of the Golden Flower Mother.

'I don't want to see the statue,' Nannan moans. 'It's too crowded in here.'

'Wait for me over there, then,' Meili says, 'and don't go wandering off this time.' As Nannan heads to the entrance, Meili proceeds to the less crowded area at the back where the huge Golden Flower Mother statue stands. She lights an incense stick, goes down onto her knees, and performs repeated prostrations, turning to the side when she reaches the ground so as not to squash her belly. Then she sits down with legs crossed, takes a deep breath, and looks up at the Golden Flower Mother's scratched and childlike face. For a moment, she thinks she sees the painted mouth curl into a smile. Then she blacks out and sees a young girl walking down a dusty path on a sunny day, a hemp sack of autumn leaves swung over her shoulder. She can hear the girl laugh, but can't see her mouth moving. The girl has just crossed a dense forest, and her face is as scratched as the rosy cheeks of the Golden Flower Mother statue . . . Suddenly the stump of Meili's left index finger begins to throb like a sightless eye searching for light. Little Heaven stretches out and rams its head into Meili's lungs, then turns in a circle and punches her navel. After taking a few minutes to compose her thoughts, Meili addresses the statue, saying, 'Golden Flower Mother, your powerful eyes have seen the Five Lakes and Four Seas. I am a simple woman from Nuwa County, and am pregnant for the fourth time. Although the government doesn't want my child to be born, and my child doesn't want to be born either, as her mother, I think I should give birth to her, for a mother must not only conceive children, but also release them into the world and watch them grow. So I entreat you, Golden Flower Mother, tell me how this will end? What does the future hold for me? Good fortune or calamity?'

The Golden Flower Mother statue looks down impa.s.sively and says: 'Praise be to Amitabha, Buddha of Infinite Light. Life is a sea of suffering but turn your head and there is the sh.o.r.e. In time, you will cross the sea, transcend the cycle of birth and death, and reach the other side. But before then, you must deliver the child within you and allow it to acc.u.mulate its own karma.'

'Oh, Mother, I am an outcast. Wherever I go, people tell me this isn't my home. If I give birth to my child in a place where I don't belong, will she be destined to a life of misfortune?'

'You have journeyed through the red dust of illusion, and through suffering have achieved profound wisdom. But your sorrows cannot compare to mine: I have never known the happiness of marriage, the joy of motherhood. At fourteen years old I was s.n.a.t.c.hed from my parents and declared the G.o.ddess of Childbirth. After that, no man dared come near me. At the age of forty, still alone and unloved, I threw myself into Womb Lake and drowned. My bones are still lying on its muddy bed.'

'I never knew you drowned yourself! So you really have seen through the red dust! I thought about killing myself too, a few years ago, but realised that if I went ahead with it, I'd be killing my unborn child as well. But, Sacred Mother, things aren't so bad for you, surely? You must have ama.s.sed great karma through your work in this temple, helping bring new life into the world. And look at all the delicious offerings you've been given: chicken, wine, sesame oil, rice-'

'No, my life hasn't improved since I died. Don't be fooled by my sumptuous robes and ornate flower headdress. Since the foundation of the Communist Dynasty, I've been persecuted mercilessly. When Emperor Mao advocated later marriages and fewer children, I was dragged from the altar and locked in a storeroom, deprived of daylight. Then Emperor Deng brought in his One Child Policy, and my temple was converted into a grain depot. Now, two decades later, it's been demolished to make way for the Heaven Towns.h.i.+p Stock Exchange.'

'Well, at least you're in a nice place now.'

'You think it's nice having to squeeze myself into this dark corner, cheek by jowl with all the other G.o.ds, and rely on the offerings of strangers? I was only brought here on condition that I consent to be an amba.s.sador for the wretched family planning policies. Have you read the slogan they've hung above my head, threatening women with forced sterilisations and abortions? What a wicked disgrace! For thousands of years I was the G.o.ddess of Fertility and Childbirth, but this depraved dynasty has turned me into the G.o.ddess of Fewer Births. Before long I'll be the G.o.ddess of Abortions! I tell you, death is much worse than life.'

'Cheer up, Sacred Mother. You've been fortunate enough to experience the dual realms of life and death. Your blessings have protected countless expectant mothers and granted their babies safe births.' Sensing Heaven begin to writhe and kick again, Meili straightens her back to give it more room to move.

'Yes, I've tried to comfort myself with that thought. Although I've never been loved by a man, I've watched baby girls being born into the world, grow into women and then prostrate themselves before me, asking me to grant their own babies a safe birth. Seeing the joy that each new life brings to a family consoles my sad heart, but can't fill the void of having no children of my own.'

'Being a mother in this country isn't easy, Sacred G.o.ddess. If you returned to the world and fell pregnant, you'd soon start thinking you were better off dead.'

'Mortals may feel no shame slaughtering innocent life, but if they force us G.o.ds to endorse their barbaric acts, what will become of the world? Praise be to Amitabha, Buddha of Infinite Light. I have said enough. It's time for you to go.'

Just as Meili is about to get up and leave, she pauses and says to the statue, 'Just one more thing, Sacred Mother. Six months after we fled our village, my second baby, Happiness, was murdered by family planning officers. But the baby's spirit has followed me ever since, and has reincarnated a second and now a third time. It's a peculiar spirit that seems to have no gender or fixed ident.i.ty. Sometimes it seems to be lodged inside the fetus in my belly, sometimes it seems to be looking down at me from above. Sometimes I feel it's looking back at me from a future realm, as though my present is its past. And on some occasions, I've felt that it exists in a completely separate realm that somehow overlaps with ours. But when I try to put these feelings into words, my mind spins and time seems to go into reverse. This third reincarnation has been the strangest. I should confess to you now: the baby has been inside me for five years. I've read of a woman whose pregnancy lasted sixty years, but when she finally gave birth, the baby was dead and as hard as stone. I can't bear to think that I'll never hold this child in my arms. Please help me, Sacred Mother.'

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