Part 12 (2/2)
Are you getting this? Konstantin asked Taliaferro. He popped up a yes for her. ”Why don't you tell me who you really are,” Konstantin said to Darwin after a bit, ”and I can check on your body and make sure that everything's all right.”
Darwin looked down on her. ”Sure you will.” He gave a short, humorless laugh. ”They warned me about this -- how people, usually some kind of authority like the police, will offer to make sure my body's all right. Then the next thing you know, my body disappears completely, turned into a government zombie slave or broken up and sold for parts. Well, you can just go find some other body to s.n.a.t.c.h, you're not getting mine. We're both free now, me and my body, and we're not going to let you or anyone else control us.” Darwin stood up and began to back away from her. ”And don't come near me again with your low requests to do your dirty work for you. I'm not your personal ghost. You want to clamp Hastings Dervish, do it yourself.”
”We don't normally get customers claiming they've spent more time in AR than what's on our billing records,” said the pleasant-faced AI in Konstantin's virtual office. Its appearance was nondescript male human, but something in the softly rendered brown-gold features reminded her of Celestine. She fought the inclination to feel kindly toward it.
”You know,” Konstantin said, ”if the department's service provider really felt this was a matter important enough to interrupt me while I'm in AR on police business, I'm surprised they didn't send a real person to talk to me.”
”All of our real people are currently busy with other customers at the moment,” the AI said smoothly. ”A customer base the size of ours means there's never a lull in the action. And of course, every paying customer thinks he or she is the only paying customer who needs immediate help. Half of them could be served quite adequately by an AI representative within a time period not longer than eight minutes and half of those in the thirty seconds it would take to tell them they have a hardware problem that has to be addressed by the hotsuit vendor or manufacturer. However, our dedication to the customer demands that--”
”I read the brochure,” Konstantin said irritably. ”I've read all the brochures. Did you -- did anyone read my report?”
The AI seemed to think it over briefly. ”Yes.”
”Who?” ”I did.”
”Just now.”
”Yes. But it's in the inbox in Technical a.s.sistance: Anomalies and Miscellaneous, to be read as soon as possible. They're all real people there.”
”Good. Have a real person from Technical Etceteras call me when one of them has read it. Now, I'm in the middle of--”
”Oh, someone most definitely will. I'm just here to get preliminary information about the incident.”
Konstantin tried moving quickly around her virtual desk to stand too closely in front of the thing, hoping that would cause it to back up toward the exit. ”If you really did read my report just now, you should have all the preliminary information you nee--”
”What the company wants to know at this point,” said the AI, adjusting its close-up vision without otherwise moving, ”is how you would rate your AR experience up to the point of the anomaly.”
”Rate?”
A slate appeared in its open right hand. ”Were there any other minor glitches prior to the anomaly you're reporting, any dips in resolution, slowing of response times--”
Konstantin put her hands on its shoulders and shoved it backwards. ”Look up the logs,” she said angrily. ”Any information like that will be in there!”
”There's no need to get abusive,” the AI said patiently. ”We know about the logs. We're asking you about your personal perceptions. Did you perceive any dips in resolution, slowing of response times--”
Konstantin gave it another shove.
”--sudden, unprompted s.h.i.+fts toward either end of the color--”
Konstantin shoved again.
”--spectrum, any persistent sounds or noises--”
She was sure her next shove should have knocked it over but all it did was take another step back.
”--that did not seem to fit the ambient soundscape, inappropriate light levels--”
It hit the exit and hung there, refusing to fall through even when Konstantin eliminated the barrier of the virtual door itself.
”If you don't log out of here right now,” Konstantin said, ”I'm going to file charges against the service provider for hara.s.sment of a police officer, obstructing justice, interfering with an ongoing investigation, aggravated mopery and dopery, conspiracy, terrorism, insider trading, and unlawful congress with a network.”
The AI hesitated half a second. ”There's no need for that kind of innuendo. If you stop to think about this for a few moments, it will occur to you that my behavior is all programmed -- and by real people, I might add -- from decision trees covering every eventuality and response. On receiving a report like yours, the first thing Techa.s.sistAnomMisc would do would be to investigate your subjective impressions prior to the incident, during the incident, and after the incident.”
”Why?” asked Konstantin, genuinely curious now.
”Because the situation you describe is impossible.”
Konstantin nodded. ”I might have known. Being an AI, you're completely stumped by anything original. You AIs think that if something has never happened before, it's impossible. Or that if you've never encountered it before--”
”No one said we had never encountered this before,” said the AI. ”My statement to you was that normally we don't get customers claiming they've spent more time in AR than what's on our billing records. At no time did I ever state that you were the first.”
”People have reported this before?” Konstantin yanked the AI back toward her desk and shoved it down into a chair. ”Why didn't you tell me that?”
”You mean, before now? Since you've obviously just been informed?”
”What did your Techa.s.s do about those reports?”
”Those were all handled by AIs.” ”You?” Konstantin wanted to know.
”In a sense. It's all one AI where we are, but different manifesta--”
Konstantin bent down and got in the thing's face. She noticed for the first time that it wasn't breathing. Whoever had programmed the thing's appearance had cut a corner, probably in the name of budget. Detail animation like that added up. Konstantin found herself even angrier over the skimping. It was one of those subliminal things that could drive you mad, like dripping water or an itch you couldn't quite reach. You didn't notice people's breathing when it was there -- only when it wasn't. No wonder she hated the thing so much. ”So what did you, the AI, do about them?” she asked it.
”I sent a notice instructing the customers to correct their records, as they had all obviously made mistakes.”
”You didn't turn any of them over to your Techa.s.s?”
”In the case of an alleged customer billing error, Techa.s.sistAnomMisc does not step in unless the customer requests it on a follow-up. When they have, each and every instance has been proven to be an error on the part of the customer. With a one hundred percent success rating in that area, it is wasteful to pa.s.s tasks on to humans that AI can accomplish just as easily. Unless specifically and formally requested to by the customer in a follow-up call.”
Konstantin straightened up. Of course, she realized. Any time customers had claimed to spend less time in AR than what appeared on their bills, customer service always proved them wrong. But if an AR access provider told you your bill was smaller than it should have been-- Well, the conscientiously honest would report the mistake. But if the company insisted they were right and you were wrong, in this case, the customer would give up right away. Tried to do the right thing, they didn't listen. Q.E.D., and thank you for calling.
”Get out,” Konstantin said, turning away. ”Don't come back unless you're a real person.”
”You ought to get over the idea that a real person is the only solution to your problems,” the AI said.
Konstantin froze for a moment and then sighed. ”I'm going to turn around, and there's not going to be anyone there,” she said. ”Right, Taliaferro?”
”Right,” he said.
”And you didn't manage to tag it or anything, did you?”
”Nope.” Pause. ”Would you like to know why not?”
Konstantin sighed. ”Is there a special reason?”
”It's because there was nothing there in the first place.”
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