Part 40 (1/2)

As Magdalen waited her eyes wandered to the blue haze between the tree trunks which was the sea, and marked a white band like a ribbon between the blue and the fields. That was a piece of land newly reclaimed from the sea. When a tract of land is thus captured, the first year that it is laid open to the ministry of sun and air and rain it bears an overflowing crop of white clover. The clover seed has lain dormant, perhaps a thousand years under the wash of the wave. The first spring tide after the sea is withdrawn it wakes and rushes up. It was so now in that little walled-in tract by the sh.o.r.e, where she had walked but yesterday. Surely it was to be so in Fay's heart, now that the bitter tides of remorse and selfishness were ceasing to submerge it, now that at last joy and tenderness were reaching it. Surely, love itself, the seeds of which lie dormant in every heart, love like a marvellous tide of white clover, was finding its chance at last, and would presently inundate her heart.

Then, unhara.s.sed, undelayed by vain words and futile appeals from without--all would go well.

At the last moment when the meeting with Michael was really imminent Fay's _insouciance_ began, as Magdalen feared it might, to show signs of collapse. It deserted her entirely as they drove up to Barford.

”Come out with me,” she whispered in sudden panic, plucking at her sister's gown, when Wentworth asked her to go and speak to Michael for a few minutes in the garden. But Magdalen had drawn back gravely and resolutely, and had engaged Wentworth's attention, and Fay had been obliged to go alone across the lawn, in the direction of the deck chair.

Her step, lagging and irresolute, was hardly audible on the gra.s.s, but Michael heard it, recognised it. We never forget the footfall, however light, that has trodden on our heart.

The footfall stopped and he opened his eyes.

Fay was standing before him.

And so they met again at last, those two who had been lovers once. She looked long at the man she had broken. He was worn down to the last verge of exhaustion, barely more than a shadow in the suave suns.h.i.+ne.

She would hardly have recognised him if it had not been for the tranquil steady eyes, and the grave smile. They were all that was left of him, of the Michael she had known. The rest was unfamiliar, repellant. And his hands! His hands were dreadful. Oh! if only she had known he was going to look like that she would never have come. Never, never! Fay experienced the same unspeakable horror and repugnance as if, walking in long, daisy-starred gra.s.s, she had suddenly stumbled against and nearly fallen over a dead body.

The colour ebbed out of her face and lips. She stood before him without a word, shrinking, transfixed.

He looked long at her, the woman for whom he had been content to suffer, that he might keep suffering from her. Fay's self torture, her protracted anguish, her coward misery, these were written as it were anew in her pallid face. They had been partially effaced during the heedless happiness of the last few weeks, but the sudden shock of Michael's presence drew in again afresh with a cruel pencil the haggard lines of remorse and despair.

He had not been able to s.h.i.+eld her from pain after all.

”Oh, Fay!” he said below his breath. ”How you have suffered.”

”No one knows what it has been,” she said hoa.r.s.ely, sinking into a chair, trembling too much to stand. ”I could not live through it again.

I couldn't bear it, and I had to bear it.”

”You will never have to bear it again,” he said with compa.s.sion. ”It is over and done with. You are going to be happy now.”

”You have suffered too,” she said, reddening.

”Not like you. It has been worst for you. I never guessed that you had felt my imprisonment so much as I see now by your face you have.”

”Not have felt it! Not have suffered from it!” said Fay, amazed.

”Michael, how could I help grieving day and night over it?”

The question almost rose to his lips, ”Why then did you not release me?”

But the words were not spoken. There is one pain which we need not bear, but which some of us never rest till we have drawn it upon ourselves, that of extorting from the one we love vain excuses, unconscious lies, feeble, inadequate explanations that explain nothing. Let be. The excuses, the lies, these shadows of the mind will vanish the moment Love lights his lamp. Till then their ghost-like presence, their semblance of reality but show that the chamber of the Beloved is dark.

Michael was silent. Though his body and mind were half dead, his spirit was alive and clear, moving swiftly where the spent mind could not follow.

”How could I help breaking my heart over the thought of you in prison?”

said Fay again, wounded to the quick.

She stared at him, indignant tears smarting in her eyes. Another long look pa.s.sed between them, on her side bewildered, pained, aghast at being so misunderstood, on his penetrating, melancholy, full of compa.s.sionate insight, that look which seems to herald the parting between two unequal natures, but which is in reality a perception that they have never met.