Part 40 (1/2)

”To be motivated, not manipulated.

”To be useful, not used.”

Beth could come back this fall, couldn't she? Emily keeps asking. Emily keeps asking. She's at home, she took her finals, I even saw her in her car. She's at home, she took her finals, I even saw her in her car.

But I know she never will. She never will and I took something from her and I won't even look at it. I won't- ”I choose to live by choice,” I say, ”not by chance-do you?”

Their fingers twisting into each other's linking hands, looking up at me, at RiRi and her magnificent body, and Emily and her beatific grin. All of us.

”Cheer taught me to trust my girls to catch me when I fall,” I say, and it's Beth's face I see when I gaze past them, into the empty stands, not Coach's. It's Beth's face, all the darkness and mischief and mayhem and, beneath it, that beating heart. and it's Beth's face I see when I gaze past them, into the empty stands, not Coach's. It's Beth's face, all the darkness and mischief and mayhem and, beneath it, that beating heart.

Turning from the stands, facing my girls, I gather everything in my chest. I hold it there. I have to hold it tight. These things I've learned.

”It showed me,” I say, pulling in my breath, ”how to be a leader.”

Acknowledgments

With tremendous grat.i.tude and ongoing debt to the inestimable Reagan Arthur and her brilliant team, especially Miriam Parker, Theresa Giacopasi, Peggy Freudenthal, and Sarah Murphy.

Deepest thanks are also owed to the wonderful Kate Harvey and Emma Bravo at Picador UK, and to Angharad Kowal, Maja Nikolic, and Stephen Barr at Writers House. And most of all to Dan Conaway, without whom.