Part 32 (1/2)

After everyone has scattered to the locker room, I spot a lone figure watching practice from high up in the stands.

No tan for her, no nothing, but thinner than ever, a bobby pin, and she seems to be saying something to me.

That mammoth brace on her knee and her mouth open, a big O, straining to rise.

It's Emily. And she's saying something.

”What?” I call up. ”What do you want, Royce?”

Slowly, she gimps her way down the stands, each step meaning a wide swing of her leg.

It never occurs to me to climb up and meet her.

”Addy,” she is saying, breathless. ”I never saw it before.”

”Saw what?”

”I never saw the stunts. From back there,” she says. ”I never saw us.”

”What do you mean?” I say, a slight ripple in my chest.

”Did you ever really think about it? About what we're doing?” she says, holding tight to the railing.

She starts talking, breathless and high, about the way we are stacked, like toothpicks, like pixy stix, our bodies like feathers, light and tensile. Our minds focused, unnourished, possessed. The entire structure bounding to life by our elastic bodies vaulting into each other, sticking, and then...

A pyramid isn't a stationary object. It's a living thing....The only moment it's still is when you make it still, all your bodies one body, until...we blow it all apart.

”I had to cover my eyes,” she says. ”I couldn't look. I never knew what we were doing before. I never knew because I was doing it. Now I see.”

I am not listening at all, her voice getting more shrill, but I can't hear. A month on the DL, a month stateside, this is what happens.

I just look hard into her baby blue eyes.

”Standing back,” she says, mouth hanging in horror, ”it's like you're trying to kill each other and yourself.”

I look at her, folding my arms.

”You were never one of us,” I say.

28

SAt.u.r.dAY EVENING

I drive by the police station and see Matt French's car. An hour later, it's still there. the police station and see Matt French's car. An hour later, it's still there.

Prine heard Coach there that night. Which means Coach lied, which means Coach was there when whatever happened to Will...

These words still hang, sentence unfinished. I just can't finish the sentence.

I remind myself that, hard as she is, I have seen her grief blast apart her stony self. At least once I did, holding her by the waist in her bedroom hallway Wednesday night. Feeling the bed shake with it while we slept. How is that a killing soul?

But does anyone ever seem like a killer? I can hear Beth's voice squirming in my head. I can hear Beth's voice squirming in my head.

To Beth, of course, everyone does.

I believe both of them and neither of them. All their stories poured in my ear, maybe it's time to start finding out on my own.

At ten o'clock, I drive by Statler's. I'm remembering Beth's texts.

Teddy saw Coach @ Statlers last week Drinking, talking on cell all nite, crying @ jukebox.

Said she ran outside + hit post in parking lot, peeled off The s.h.a.ggy guy at the door won't let me in with my premium Tiffany Rue, age twenty-three, driver's license, but I don't need to go inside.

Instead, I walk from parking lot post to post, hands on the peeling silver paint.

On the farthest one from the door of the bar, I spot the chewy dent, paint glittering the asphalt.

”What happened here?” I call over to the door guy.

He squints at me.

”Life is hard,” he says, ”and you're too young for the parking lot too, little miss.”

”Who did it?” I ask, walking toward him. ”Who hit the post?”

”A woman wronged,” he says, shrugging.

”Was she late twenties, brown hair, ponytail?”

”I don't know,” he says, pointing with one long delicate finger at the Eagles patch on my arm. ”But she had a coat just like yours.”

I sit and tally the lies, but there are so many and they don't quite line up.

Why would Coach tell me she hit a post in Buckingham Park instead of Statler's? One small lie, but there've been so many. Add them all together and they seem to teeter five miles above me.

It's eleven when I drive by Coach's house again.

At last, the car is there.

I find her on the deck, smoking clove cigarettes. One knee hunched up, her chin resting on it, she seems to hear me before I've even made a sound.