Part 25 (1/2)

”That cigarette wasn't lit,” he said, like his denying it meant anything considering the fire-breathing dragon staring us in the face.

”Well, Mr. Science, obviously it was,” I said, wondering why we were still standing there, knowing it was only because we were both stupid and stubborn and didn't want it to be our fault.

”We have to put this out,” he said.

”With what?” I asked. ”You got a hose on you?” A huge smoldering branch fell and smashed my already burning tent into pieces like an apple smashed with a hammer.

I screamed, the kind of scream that embarra.s.ses you when it happens.

”f.u.c.k, Ca.s.sie,” Ben said.

”Yes, Ben, f.u.c.k,” I said. There was nothing we could do; the only water we had was in the canteen, which was in what used to be my tent.

”We need to get out of here. We need to tell Nerone and Rawe. We need to warn them,” Ben said, his thoughts coming fast. He grabbed my hand and led us into the woods and away from the fire. He started running and I followed him, the heat dissipating as we moved farther and farther away. He kept turning to make sure I was keeping up, but other than that, I couldn't see anything but the back of his hair bouncing up and down as he ran.

A few paces before camp Ben stopped and looked at me. We were both bent over and out of breath.

”What?” I asked. I wasn't sure what I was expecting him to say, but it was certainly not what he did.

”I want to tell you about Andrew,” he said.

”This is not the time, Ben,” I said.

”When is the time?” he asked.

”Listen, if you want to tell me your f.u.c.king secret, then just tell me,” I said. I was uncomfortable. I didn't want to think about why, but I knew. I could feel myself caring about what he was going to say next. It was a scary feeling.

”He didn't do anything to me,” he said, exhaling. ”I did something for him.”

I waited.

”I lied for him,” he said.

I waited some more, but he didn't say anything else.

”Big deal,” I said. I'd lied for my brother a ton: when he was late for curfew, when he'd broken the back window with his baseball, when my mother's car had less gas than it had when she'd last driven it. Of course, I knew none of those lies made up for what I'd burdened my brother with. But I knew about lying for a sibling. I knew my brother knew about it, too.

”No,” he said, ”that's why I'm here.”

”I don't understand,” I said, even though I thought I sort of did, but that's what people say when someone is telling you something and you know they aren't done.

He exhaled, pus.h.i.+ng his breath out like he'd just put something heavy down. ”He stole a car, but it wasn't the first time. It wasn't the first time he'd done anything, and he's over eighteen so I stole the car,” he said. ”I stole the car,” he repeated, ”just like I slashed that guy's tires the last time.”

”Wait,” I said, my brain going clickety-clack as I put his sentences together. ”So you're saying you're not even supposed to be here? There's nothing wrong with you?” The last words spilled out fast. Faster than I meant them to, but I was able to stop myself before I kept going, before I added like there is with me.

”I wouldn't say that.” Ben laughed. He didn't get that it made him different from me, separate from me. Whatever was between us couldn't be because he was not a f.u.c.kup. He was a good guy who did something because he loved his brother, like my brother had.

”But you're not here because of anything you've done,” I said, feeling myself pull away from him. His allegiance to his brother was definitely something I could relate to, but not being a total f.u.c.kup like me, well, that was something else.

”You're no worse than I am,” he said, like he could see it.

But he was wrong. I was. I was here for something I'd done and for everything I'd done. He was a good person and I suddenly felt disgusting standing next to him.

I could feel him leaning in to kiss me. I pushed him away. ”No,” I said.

”I told you the truth. Why are you mad if I told you the truth?” he asked.

”You don't understand,” I said, feeling my voice crack. I couldn't even control it. My notebook was stuffed in my back pocket and with his admission I knew it would stay there. I could never tell him. He was too far from the kind of person I was for him to to ever understand. ”You're not like me,” I said quietly, ”and when you find out who I really am, you'll leave.”

”If you don't trust me by now, you never will,” he said.

It was true that he'd done plenty to make me trust him, and I did, but I liked him, too, and that made me not trust myself.

”Ben, seriously, it's bad,” I said, looking at my shoes, their laces not even tied because I'd put them on so quickly. ”Worse than you think.”

”What, did you kill someone or something?” He laughed, making his jokes again.

The irony made my stomach ache. I looked at him. I could say yes, but then he would really know. Then he could throw me away.

He reached out to hug me and I didn't move. He hugged my motionless body, my arms at my sides. ”What's wrong?” he asked when he noticed I wasn't hugging back. He was really clueless. I guess all boys were. I guess that was how they were able to stomp on your heart without even noticing.

”I don't know,” I said. How could I admit, You, you're what's wrong? How could I have let another boy become my problem?

”You seem mad at me,” he said, stretching his whole body, rolling his neck.

”I'm not anything at you, Ben.” I sighed. It was a lie, but it was all I could think to say.

”Oh,” he scoffed, ”that's nice.”

”You need to go,” I said.

”Okay, Ca.s.sie,” he said, ”I'll go.”

I watched as he slipped through the trees and away from me.

Was that really what I wanted?

I gave him five minutes and entered the camp. It was silent when I got there. If it wasn't for the smell of smoke growing in the distance, filling my nostrils like something burning in an oven, I might have let everyone sleep. I might have crawled into Troyer's tent and listened to her crackly voice talk until the crackly fire came and got us all.

Instead I let out a bloodcurdling scream. I couldn't decide what else to do. I had to admit it felt pretty good. Maybe Rawe thought I needed solitude to get through my issues, but honestly what I needed was destroyed vocal chords.

Nez was the first to unzip her tent and peek out, but when she saw it was me, she zipped back up before even asking what was wrong.

Fine. Given the choice I probably would have let her burn anyway.

Rawe bounded out of her tent in her uniform. It was probably why she had come out after Nez-either that or she slept in it. I didn't want to believe she had heard me screaming and decided to take the time to dress, so I went with slept in it.

”Wick, what?” She looked confused, by me standing there and by me screaming. She was probably asking as much about why I was screaming as what the h.e.l.l I was doing there.

Rather than bother answering, I screamed, ”Fire, fire!”