Part 6 (2/2)

”You are so dead,” Leisner said, water bubbling up around his head.

I treaded as best I could. I was so angry, I'd forgotten I couldn't swim very well-that I should not have been pus.h.i.+ng people around on a canoe. That without my brother, there was no one to be sure I made it back to sh.o.r.e safely. My life jacket was holding me up okay, but it was clear that it had a shelf life and mine was expiring. I reached for Leisner. I didn't know what else to do.

”You look like a wet dog,” he said, his smile bobbing on the water. ”A wet b.i.t.c.h.”

”You look like a naked, upside-down female synchronized swimmer in need of a wax,” I spit through the water. ”Desperately.”

”You're on your own now, tough girl,” Leisner said, swimming past me and pulling himself back into the canoe.

Eagan was reaching his paddle out to me, but I was too far away to grab it. I looked at the sh.o.r.e-the water fishy, muddy in my mouth, starting to fill my ears. Rawe and Nerone stood there. They hadn't moved, hadn't even yelled. I was surprised one of them hadn't jumped in.

Of course, I hadn't yelled help yet, either. I didn't know if I could. Was I really stubborn enough to let myself drown rather than admit I needed it?

I felt arms surround me, pulling me up, my mouth free of the water.

Ben.

”What the h.e.l.l are you doing?” I asked, but I didn't fight him even though he was touching me again, all of me, and was still technically male.

”Saving you,” he said, droplets of water sticking to his eyelashes. ”You looked like you were drowning.”

”I'm wearing a life jacket, moron,” I said, but I still didn't struggle away from him. It was just like Leisner said: Ben had come to save me. Could everyone see something between us? Something I was trying so hard to contain?

Never again.

I heard another splash-Nez jumping in. She flailed, but it was clear she was faking, at least to me.

”Looks like you have a real damsel in distress,” I said.

”She told me she was on her school swim team,” Ben said, squinting in the sunlight.

”She's probably just trying to get your attention,” I said, watching her swim closer to us even as she pretended to struggle, her black hair whipping and splas.h.i.+ng like a fish flipping on a line.

”You weren't?” he asked, his arms still tight around me, the kind of tight that makes it hard to breathe but has nothing to do with being held and everything to do with who you are being held by.

”I fell in,” I said. His body still stuck to mine in the way only bodies can stick.

”Do you want me to let you go?” he asked.

I wanted to say, Yes,say, Never touch me again,say, Why do you have to be the kind of guy who jumps into Port-O-Pottycolored lake water to save me? but I couldn't. I leaned into him, letting his strength keep us afloat, letting myself stop fighting him for just that second, knowing that once I was out of the water, I could pretend I hadn't wanted any of it.

”First you, then Nez,” he said, pulling me over to the boat. He secured me with one arm, swam with the other, my mouth on his shoulder, on his wet hair.

”I think you lost something,” Ben said to Leisner, treading on the side of our canoe, one of his arms still around me.

”Nope, we're all set on s.k.a.n.ks,” Leisner said.

”f.u.c.k you,” I spit, the red filling my vision again.

”Are you okay?” Eagan asked.

”I will be when I get back in this f.u.c.king boat,” I said, pulling myself up, the water splas.h.i.+ng behind me.

”Next time you try to drown someone you should probably make sure you can swim first.” Leisner laughed.

”I'd be scared for next time,” I said, picturing it: my fist, his face, the brittle crunch of cartilage.

I sat in my seat, wet and cold, Ben's eyes on me.

Nez started to scream for him, to flail more forcefully, but Ben didn't move.

”She's going to forget she's supposed to be drowning if you don't get her soon,” I said, anything so he would stop staring, anything so he would go away and I wouldn't be tempted to jump back in.

”I guess I'll get my thank-you later,” Ben said, swimming toward Nez, to someone who could definitely admit she wanted his arms around her.

I s.h.i.+vered and looked out at the water. The sun sparkled on it like millions of paparazzi snapping flashbulbs. Taking pictures of me, the outside of me. The part I couldn't hide.

The only part I know I can ever let Ben see, no matter how he makes me feel.

23 f.u.c.king Days to Go W aking up in the morning is different here. I don't have coffee to revive me. I don't have my brother hocking up loogies in the bathroom next door and forcing me to go bang on the wall to tell him to stop being so f.u.c.king disgusting. I don't have my open pack of smokes waiting on my nightstand, luring me with their exposed brown b.u.t.ts.

I only had Rawe kicking the side of my metal cot so hard it rattled and grunting, Ten minutes till morning calisthenics. Try not to fall into the lake between now and then, then leaving the cabin to do whatever it was she did for the ten minutes we got ready for morning calisthenics.

Nez and I had already done our punishment push-ups, three hundred apiece on the sh.o.r.e when we got back, the fishy sand sticking to our wet uniforms, to our mouths and noses; I still had sand in my teeth.

I stared at the ceiling and thought about Rawe. Maybe she left every morning so she didn't have to watch us. Watch our eyes open, blink once, twice, and realize it wasn't a nightmare. Deny our zombie movements as we put one leg in our brown jumpsuits then the other, while we tried to forget that we had another long day ahead of us doing things we were bound to hate, things that were supposed to make us better, even though no one ever told us how.

Or maybe Rawe left the cabin to get a break, because Nez was so f.u.c.king annoying.

Nez got out of bed and stretched. She reminded me of a cat, would probably lick herself clean if she could reach. I put my hands into the water bucket and tried to ignore her, splas.h.i.+ng my face wet but not clean. I wiped my skin with the washcloth, scrubbing the smell of dead fish and lake water from my eyelashes, from under my fingernails. Unfortunately the water in the bucket didn't smell much better.

I heard Nez yawn, one of those long, drawn-out yawns that sound like you're saying yahhh, making a big deal about how tired she was. Then she yawned again, louder, longer, probably because no one said anything about her first yawn-not that Troyer could have and not that I would have.

I knew Nez was yawning because she wanted an audience. She wanted to tell us why she was so tired, but she didn't have to. She'd gone to the boys' cabin again last night. She'd made a big deal about telling us while we wrote in our a.s.sessment Diaries before lights out that Ben had asked her to come. We were supposed to be writing about what scared us, but considering what I had realized about Ben the day before, I didn't write anything because I was having trouble topping it.

Luckily my head was still in the water bucket when she started talking.

”Wow, last night with Ben was amazing,” Nez said.

The rotten swell of jealousy came up from my stomach and I tried desperately to ignore it. Ben had saved me yesterday, but clearly he wanted more, and since he wasn't getting it from me, I guess he got it from Nez.

I guess she gave him his thank-you.

I felt sick.

I forced myself to look at Troyer. She was brus.h.i.+ng her hair and ignoring us. I wanted her to turn to me, to mouth that Nez is a f.u.c.king liar.

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