Part 1 (2/2)
Alas, the Rube Town in which she Hung Forth was given over to Croquet, Mush and Milk Sociables, a lodge of Elks and two married Preachers who doctored for the Tonsilitis. So what could the Poor Girl do?
In all the Country around there was not a Man who came up to her Plans and Specifications for a Husband. Neither was there any Man who had any time for Her. So she led a lonely Life, dreaming of the One--the Ideal.
He was a big and pensive Literary Man, wearing a Prince Albert coat, a neat Derby Hat and G.o.dlike Whiskers. When He came he would enfold Her in his Arms and whisper Emerson's Essays to her.
[Ill.u.s.tration: COLD PROPOSITION]
But the Party failed to show up.
Often enough she put on her Chip Hat and her Black Lisle Gloves and Sauntered down to look at the Gang sitting in front of the Occidental Hotel, hoping that the Real Thing would be there. But she always saw the same old line of Four-Flush Drummers from Chicago and St. Louis, smoking Horrid Cigars and talking about the Percentages of the League Teams.
She knew that these Gross Creatures were not p.r.o.ne to chase mere Intellectual Splendor, so she made no effort to Flag them.
[Ill.u.s.tration: FOUR-FLUSH DRUMMER]
When she was Thirty-Four years of age and was able to recite ”Lucile”
without looking at the Book she was Married to a Janitor of the name of Ernest. He had been kicked in the Head by a Mule when young and believed everything he read in the Sunday Papers. His pay was Twenty-Three a month, which was high, if you knew Ernest.
His Wife wore a red Mother Hubbard all during the Remainder of her Life.
This is invariably a Sign of Blasted Hopes.
MORAL: _Never Live in a Jay Town_.
_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ NEW YORK PERSON _WHO_ GAVE _THE_ STAGE FRIGHT _TO_ FOSTORIA, OHIO
A New York man went to visit a Cousin in the Far West.
The name of the Town was Fostoria, Ohio.
When he came into Town he had his Watch-Chain on the outside of his Coat, and his Pink Spats were the first ever seen in Fostoria.
”Have you a Manicure Parlor in this Beastly Hole?” asked the New York Man, as they walked up from the Train.
”What's that?” asked the Cousin, stepping on his own Feet.
”Great Heavens!” exclaimed the New York Man, and was silent for several Moments.
At Dinner he called for Artichokes, and when told that there were none, he said, ”Oh, very well,” in a Tone of Chastened Resignation.
After Dinner he took the Family into the Parlor, and told the Members how much they would Enjoy going to Weber and Fields'. Seeing a Book on the Table, he sauntered up to It and said, ”Ah, one of d.i.c.k Davis'
Things.” Later in the Evening he visited the only Club House in Town.
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