Part 17 (1/2)

Sounds Like a Scene from Boogie Nights.

Anytime a historically significant event includes secret tapes, a hotel, someone named ”Deep Throat,” and a ”Tricky d.i.c.k,” it is sure to cause an explosive reaction. But despite the promising plot lines, this story is far removed from a discrete recording of a fetish-centered p.o.r.n.

On June 17, 1972, five generally inept part-time burglars were arrested for their clumsy attempt to break into the Democratic National Committee Headquarters located in the Watergate hotel in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. This break-in wasn't your traditional smash-and-grab job that leaves behind the fingerprints of its perpetrators. Instead, it was an effort to see if the rumors about high-ranking Democratic Party officials wearing women's panties were in fact true, and to see if there was any other political dirt that could be used if President Richard Nixon's large lead in the polls did not hold up over the coming months.

In addition to the five amateurs who did the inside work, two more under qualified criminals were arrested for being accomplices to the crime. All seven men were linked to an organization known as ”CREEP,” or committee to reelect the president. Surely this committee and its plans were doomed to fail if their naming strategy session adjourned after agreeing on ”CREEP.”

d.i.c.k Obsessed.

With the seven unusual suspects in orange jumpsuits indirectly linked to President Nixon, an investigation ensued. Among the reporters covering these events were Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Was.h.i.+ngton Post. During their investigation, they received a call from an anonymous informant code-named ”Deep Throat,” who pointed the journalists toward information linking President Nixon to the Watergate break-in. In 2005, Deep Throat was identified as the not-so-s.e.xy and more recently dead FBI deputy director, William Mark Felt Sr.

Secret Tapes Show Crooked d.i.c.k.

As details of money laundering, slush funds, and political payoff s emerged the Senate promised to help the low-rated and rarely viewed C-Span television channel rebound from its dreadful Nielsen ratings report for the month of January. Keeping their promise as politicians rarely do, the Senate held hearings on the investigation from March 17 to August 7, 1973. The excitement was tremendous, as Americans were fixated with C-Span's HD coverage of the hearings. President Nixon was first dragged into the fray when Howard Baker of Tennessee famously asked, ”What did the President know, and when did he know it?”

SHORTLY THEREAFTER, FRED THOMPSON OF LAW AND ORDER FAME AND FAILED 2008 REPUBLICAN NOMINEE, SCORED LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR ON PROM NIGHT WITH THE POIGNANT QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT THERE WERE LISTENING DEVICES IN THE WHITE HOUSE, TO WHICH THE ANSWER WAS AFFIRMATIVE. Upon hearing that there were, in fact, listening devices in the White House, Senate committee members nearly blew their load, and the tapes were quickly subpoenaed. Nixon immediately enacted d.i.c.k Cheney's ”what happens in the White House stays in the White House” executive privilege. But investigators wanted the truth, even if they couldn't handle it. The issues of the tapes went all the way to the United States Supreme Court.

In a surprising and disappointing ruling for fans of partisan politics, the Supreme Court justices ruled unanimously that Nixon had to surrender the tapes. The released tapes covered Nixon and one of his aides planning a cover-up of the break-in, and having the CIA falsely claim that national security was at stake. Once the contents were revealed, ego boosting impeachment proceedings began. With the tapes released and the damage done, any allies Nixon had left had to admit the obvious: the d.i.c.k was crooked. President Nixon resigned ten days later.

Pardon Me?

Nixon's resignation catapulted Gerald Ford from the vice presidency to the commander in chief. As one of his first acts of duty for his country, President Gerald Ford granted Nixon a full and unconditional pardon for any crimes he may have committed while president. It was for all of his manipulation of the situation and attempts to escape blame, and not his ability to tie his unit in a knot, that earned Nixon the nearly enviable nickname of ”Tricky d.i.c.k.”

1979 THREE MILE ISLAND.

Off the consideration list for tourists.

A Really, Really Exclusive Destination.

Lacking the sandy beaches and suns.h.i.+ne that bring vacationers to popular island destinations, the city council for Three Mile Island spent years debating various ways to attract tourism to their Pennsylvania island. Local officials made an offer to Wayne Newton, but to no avail. THEY WERE LET DOWN, TOO, WHEN BLUE MAN GROUP AND CeLINE DION CHOSE VEGAS OVER THEIR SECRET VACATION HIDEAWAY. Three Mile Island remained off the consideration list for street performers and island-loving tourists.

It was the spring of 1968, and as tourism continued to fail to meet expectations, the local government decided the time had come to focus on a nontraditional approach. They decided to focus on adventure tourism. They wanted to provide a vacation destination where people could generally feel safe but at the same time know they were only a few minutes from certain death if something went unexpectedly wrong. It was decided that the easiest and most expensive way to accomplish this would be to build a full-time 24/7 nuclear reactor.

Tourist Trap.

Three Mile Island quickly built a nuclear reactor on the banks of the Susquehanna River. This all-day every-day danger was popular among both full-time residents and island vacationers. LOCAL MERCHANTS SOLD SCORES OF THE POPULAR SOUVENIR, ”I WENT TO THREE MILE ISLAND AND ALL I GOT WAS CANCER AND THIS LOUSY T-s.h.i.+RT.” The nuclear reactors on Three Mile Island accomplished exactly what they were intended to do. They filled the grid with much-needed electricity and the island's dilapidated Red Roof Inn with thrill-seeking tourists.

Many nonbelievers criticized the concept, stating the danger was a hoax. Fortunately, the danger proved real when one of the two nuclear reactors suffered a meltdown on March 28, 1979, releasing dangerous radioactive material into the island's atmosphere. The 25,000 people living within five miles of the reactor found themselves in imminent danger, and pregnant woman were told to flee as quickly as possible to avoid birthing babies the size of sea cows.

Death Count.

With the aggressive reporting of the alphabet networks and Geraldo Rivera filing reports from inside the breached reactor, Americans were anxious to find out what the final death count was for America's first nuclear accident.

After careful consideration, it was determined that no lives were lost in this accident. And although one of the two reactors was permanently shut down, adventure-loving vacationers were still able to make the trip to Three Mile Island, now exposing themselves to less than almost certain death.

19811989 RONALD REAGAN'S PRESIDENCY.

Hollywood's own favorite Republican.

Reading for a Role as President.

With President Jimmy Carter giving the country economy-busting double-digit interest rates, cripplingly high inflation, and a slate of failed policies, America was thirsty for change during the former peanut farmer's re-election campaign of 1980. Challenging Carter and his lack of success was Hollywood's own favorite Republican, Ronald Reagan.