Part 14 (2/2)

Nuclear Chicken.

In between trolling for willing and eager one-night companions within the White House secretary pool, President John F. Kennedy worked in a little game of nuclear chicken with the sometimes-sober leader of the Soviet Union, Nikita Khrushchev.

Prior to JFK placing his nonmasturbatory hand on the Bible and taking the oath of office, previous president Dwight D. Eisenhower was credited with kicking off the testosterone-filled showdown in 1959, when he deployed U.S. made Jupiter missiles uncomfortably close to the Soviet Union border. Using the accommodating countries of Turkey and Italy to act as storage units for his toys, Eisenhower announced the purpose of the missiles was to promote peace in the region. UPON TAKING OFFICE, JFK ARGUED Pa.s.sIONATELY THAT THE PATH TO PEACE WAS THROUGH INTERCONTINENTAL EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS.

He told the White House press corps that he had his eye on an insanely hot blonde from Moscow named Natasha Breastinov that he noticed while surfing the erotic services section of a popular underground Soviet website.

Nuclear Breastinov Implants.

In October 1962 during negotiations, Khrushchev officially took s.e.x with Miss Breastinov off the table and instead began building nuclear missile sites in the not-so-American-friendly and uncomfortably close nation of Cuba. President JFK was so angered by Khrushchev's unwillingness to order Miss Breastinov to have freakish s.e.x with him in an effort to promote world peace, that he immediately blocked Khrushchev from his Facebook page. After it was discovered that Khrushchev was computer illiterate, effectively making the punishment ineffective, JFK called a meeting with Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara, at which time McNamara gave the president the same three options all gamblers face: check, bet, or fold.

Let's Make a Deal.

Following an episode of the animated hit series The Simpsons, President Kennedy spoke to the nation about the desperate situation in a live televised address on October 22, 1962. With nuclear war a very real possibility, he a.s.sured the American people that he had done everything he could to work with Khrushchev diplomatically, even proposing that Khrushchev could have his way with Hollywood's semiostracized actress Shannen Doherty in an attempt to solve the growing crisis at hand.

Leaning on his team of advisors and yes-men, JFK decided against attacking Russia's Cuban installations for fear of initiating an all-out nuclear war that could lead to the deaths of millions, including hundreds of yet-to-be-enjoyed Russian beauties. Instead, JFK opted for a more pa.s.sive-aggressive approach by ordering a quarantine of Soviet s.h.i.+ps trying to enter the small cigar-making island.

After several days, Khrushchev blinked and agreed to dismantle his nuclear launch sites under United Nations supervision in exchange for the United States removing its weapons from Turkey and agreeing to allow Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to carry on his dictating without fear of another U.S. attack. Having narrowly avoided a nuclear war, JFK announced that he was looking for two willing White House secretaries with Russian heritage to partic.i.p.ate in a celebratory threesome inside the oval office.

1960s MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

...things started to unravel.

A Black Man's Wet Dream.

Martin Luther King Jr. may have been a black man, but he shared the same s.e.xual fantasies as most of his Caucasian male counterparts. To prove it, in June 1963 he organized a rally of 250,000 people on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. to let Americans of all colors know publicly and emphatically that he too wanted to sleep with the hungry and emaciated Olsen twins. King told his audience that it would be an appropriate gesture of goodwill on the part of the twins if they joined him in a post civil rights rally threesome as repayment for the years of slavery that his relatives of generations past suffered through.

Using his announcement for twin-on-King love as a springboard to discuss civil rights in America, MLK Jr. spoke pa.s.sionately about the need to find racial equality in the United States. He advocated for Gandhi-like power through peaceful demonstrations when he wasn't chasing down young former child star actresses.

Fortunately for King, his pleas for equality landed on the sympathetic ears of President John F. Kennedy. Kennedy openly championed the effort to bring social reform in the way of racial equality. For years, JFK carried around a list of names with corresponding pictures in his back left pocket of the black women he would like to sleep with once the social stigma of interracial relations was removed.

Keep Dreaming.

MLK was on a roll. The president wanted to advance the cause of the black man, and he had the attention of African Americans everywhere.

But as his people's mojo got working, things started to unravel. JFK was a.s.sa.s.sinated during a re-election campaign stop in Dallas, Texas. The Civil Rights Act was sympathetically pa.s.sed, only to have the Vietnam War take center stage. King openly rejected the war, advocating that the money being spent to fight communism in the tiny Asian country should be spent at home as an economic stimulus package for the poor.

Nightmare Scenario.

In March 1968 MLK rolled into Memphis, Tennessee, to support area sanitation workers who were striking to correct the s.h.i.+tty treatment they had been receiving. James Earl Ray, Olsen stalker and part-time vegan, shot King dead while he stood outside on the second-floor balcony of the less-than-cla.s.sy Lorraine Motel. With King's premature death, and for the good of race relations in America, Mary Kate and Ashley are now being asked to make s.e.xual reparations with the less popular and far less attractive Reverend Al Sharpton.

1963 THE JFK a.s.sa.s.sINATION.

An appreciation for Hollywood a.s.s.

The Kennedy Presidency.

Young, good-looking, and owner of the kind of power most men only dream of, JFK was our thirty-fifth president and our favorite gigolo. He was a Harvard graduate. He was an adulterer. He had an appreciation for the arts. He had an appreciation for Hollywood a.s.s. He oftentimes invited the brightest and most creative minds to the White House. He oftentimes invited women other than his wife for s.e.x at the White House.

He was a visionary who hoped to accomplish a number of social reforms. He was a visionary who enjoyed a quality threesome when his schedule allowed for it. During his inaugural speech he issued the famous line, ”Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Behind closed doors, he issued the famous words, ”Let this be our dirty little secret.”

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