Part 4 (2/2)
1789 GEORGE WAs.h.i.+NGTON ELECTED FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
The first in a near-perfect line of white presidents.
A Cavalier Att.i.tude.
Benefiting from his parents' dislike for public education, George Was.h.i.+ngton enjoyed the rigors of his at-home-only education. Free from the restraints of an enormously underfunded public school system, young George took his home-schooled education with him when he joined the Virginia Militia days after hitting p.u.b.erty, earning the distinction of lieutenant colonel at the My s.p.a.ce-obsessed age of sixteen.
He Was Possibly Surveying Your Wife.
In addition to being an enthusiastic killing machine, Was.h.i.+ngton moonlighted as a surveyor, measuring and plotting the earth's surface. He could tell you where your yard ends and your neighbor's yard begins, and whether it was okay to ignore the imaginary boundary of physical property and enjoy an affair with the wife next door.
ALTHOUGH IT WASN'T HIS NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, GEORGE DID ENJOY SOME EXTRACURRICULAR s.e.x AND FRUITY DRINKS WITH BIG-HAIRED JERSEY GIRL MARY GIBBONS. Despite Gibbons's best effort to satisfy George's Ron Jeremy - like appet.i.te for off-the-charts action, rumors quickly spread of George's illicit parties with slave girls at his Mount Vernon home. Was.h.i.+ngton capitalized on these rumors by garnering the support needed to be appointed adjunct general of the Virginia Militia in 1752.
French and Indian War Involvement: Ridding the Colonies of Frenchies.
In 1753 George had the honor of delivering a message from the British to the French while holding wine tastings in the Ohio Valley: Get the f.u.c.k out. The French ignored Was.h.i.+ngton, and actually captured George in a skirmish at Fort Necessity. He was released, and later he returned with British General Braddock in 1755 to successfully kick the French out. Tired of a soldier's life, Was.h.i.+ngton turned his back on public service and retired to his Mount Vernon estate, where he satisfied his need for ”strange” by marrying a serviceable widow named Martha Dandridge Custis. Following the honeymoon, George went into semiretirement for several years, farming and partying with the woman that he held the t.i.tle to at his Mount Vernon home.
Next Up: Kicking the British Out.
George took an active interest in the feud between the colonists and the British. As tensions escalated, George, ever the public servant, was sucked back into action. He left the cushy retired life and attended the meeting of the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia as a delegate from Virginia in 1775. There he was elected the commander in chief of the ragtag Continental army. After approximately six years of cat and mouse, the British tired, and Was.h.i.+ngton accepted British surrender from General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781. Was.h.i.+ngton re-retired, or so he thought, to Mount Vernon.
From Shuffleboard to the White House.
After years of successful military leaders.h.i.+p culminating in the surrender of the crotchety old General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781, Was.h.i.+ngton was enjoying a re-kindling of marital flames with Martha, however, his inability to walk away from the young nation's problems led him to the Const.i.tutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787 and ultimately back into service for his country. George benefited from the idea that letting every citizen have a voice in their leaders.h.i.+p would be time consuming, expensive and, unnecessary. The Electoral College did away with the messy counting of Americans' votes, and in 1789, Was.h.i.+ngton became the first president of the United States as a handful of representatives forced their will on the rest of the country. George had the distinct honor of being the first of a near-perfect line of white presidents in American history.
1789 THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
Dirty little doc.u.ment.
Not Just Another Bill.
With the const.i.tutional doc.u.ment already pa.s.sed, James Madison began his Billy Graham - like crusade to protect the individual rights of priests, strippers, drug dealers, thieves, and the common man. He proposed twelve const.i.tutional amendments (of which ten were pa.s.sed) during a congressional all-night cocaine binge in New York City on September 25, 1789. With angel dust all over the historic ma.n.u.script, Bill O'Reilly of Fox News reported that the dirty little doc.u.ment was sure to be the most litigated legislation in American history. The signing of the Bill of Rights effectively provided for the following guarantees: FIRST AMENDMENT. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to a.s.semble, and to pet.i.tion the Government for a redress of grievances.
The first amendment protects crazy Pentecostal Church of G.o.d attendees, allowing them to handle deadly snakes and drink rattlesnake venom during service while at the same time allowing the National Enquirer to report on political commentator d.i.c.k Morris's fetish for sucking the toes of prost.i.tutes.
SECOND AMENDMENT. A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
This little beauty protects the rights of gangsters and rednecks to own truckloads of pistols, AK-47s, hand grenades, and atomic bombs.
THIRD AMENDMENT. No Soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner prescribed by law.
This amendment prohibits the men serving in our military to sleep with another man's wife without his consent.
FOURTH AMENDMENT. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
This amendment makes it much more difficult for police officers to search the trunk of Snoop Dogg's car just because he is black and looks high.
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