Part 26 (1/2)

This time neither of them laughed.

”It's funny,” he said, settling down into the couch. Oh no, Holly thought; he's never going to leave the house now.

”The lads always said that myself and Laura would be the first to get married,” he continued. ”I just didn't think that Laura would be getting married before me.”

”She's getting married?” Holly asked gently.

He nodded and looked away. ”He used to be a friend of mine, too,” he laughed bitterly.

”Obviously he's not anymore.”

”Nope,” he shook his head. ”Obviously not.”

”Sorry to hear that,” she said genuinely.

”Ah well, we all get our fair share of bad luck. You know that better than anyone.”

”Huh, fair share,” she repeated.

”I know, there's nothing fair about it, but don't worry, we'll have our good luck too.”

”You think?”

”I hope.”

They sat in silence for another while and Holly watched the clock. It was five past twelve. She really needed to get him out of the house so she could open the envelope.

He read her mind. ”So how're the messages from above going?”

Holly sat forward and placed her mug down on the table. ”Well, I've another one to open tonight actually. So...” She looked at him.

”Oh right,” he said, jumping to attention. He sat up quickly and put his mug down on the table. ”I better leave you at it so.”

Holly bit her lip, feeling guilty at ushering him out so quickly, but she was also relieved he was finally going.

”Thanks a million for the lift, Daniel,” she said, following him to the door.

”No problem at all.” He quickly grabbed his coat from the banister and headed out the door. They gave each other a quick hug.

”See you soon,” she said, feeling like a right b.i.t.c.h, and watched him walk down to his car in the rain. She waved him off and her guilt immediately faded as soon as she closed the door. ”Right Gerry,” she said as she headed toward the kitchen and picked up the envelope from the table. ”What have you got in store for me this month?”

THIRTY-ONE.

HOLLY HELD THE TINY ENVELOPE tightly in her hands and glanced up at the clock on the wall over the kitchen table. It was twelve-fifteen. Usually Sharon and Denise would have called her by now, all excited to hear about what was inside the envelope. But so far neither of them had called. It seemed news of an engagement and a pregnancy beat the news of a message from Gerry these days. Holly scorned herself for being so bitter; she wanted to be happy for her friends, she wanted to be back in the restaurant right now celebrating their good news with them like the old Holly would have done. But she couldn't bring herself even to smile for them.

She was jealous of them and their good fortune. She was angry with them for moving on without her. Even in the company of friends she felt alone; in a room of a thousand people she would feel alone. But mostly when she roamed the rooms of her quiet house she felt so alone.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused her to laugh so hard her stomach pained her and her jaw ached. She missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on her mind, she missed enjoying eating food instead of it becoming something she just had to endure in order to stay alive, she hated the b.u.t.terflies she got in her tummy every time she remembered Gerry. She missed enjoying watching her favorite television programs instead of their just becoming something she would stare at blankly to pa.s.s the hours. She hated feeling like she had no reason to wake up; she hated the feeling when she did wake up. She hated the feeling of having no excitement or anything to look forward to. She missed the feeling of being loved, of knowing Gerry was watching her as she watched television or ate her dinner. She missed sensing his eyes on her as she entered a room; she missed his touches, his hugs, his words of advice, his words of love.

She hated counting down the days till she could read another one of his messages because they were all she had left of him, and after this one there would be only three more. And she hated to think of what her life might be like when there would be no more Gerry. Memories were fine, but you couldn't touch them, smell them or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment had been, and they faded with time.

So d.a.m.n Sharon and Denise, they could go on with their happy lives, but for the next few months all Holly had was Gerry. She wiped a tear from her face, tears had become such a permanent feature on her face the past few months, and she slowly opened her seventh envelope.

Shoot for the moon, and if you miss you'll still be among the stars Promise me you will find a job you love this time!

PS, I love you...

Holly read and reread the letter, trying to discover how it made her feel. She had been dreading going back to work for such a long time now, had believed that she wasn't ready to move on, that it was too soon. But now she knew she had no choice. It was time. And if Gerry said it was to be, it would be. Holly's face broke into a smile. ”I promise, Gerry,” she said happily. Well, it was no holiday to Lanzarote, but at least it was one step further to getting her life back on track. She studied his writing for a long time after reading it, as she always did, and when she was satisfied with the fact she had a.n.a.lyzed every word, she rushed over to the kitchen drawer, took out a notepad and pen and began to write her own list of possible jobs.

LIST OF POSSIBLE JOBS.

FBI Agent? - Am not American. Do not want to live in America. Have no police experience.

Lawyer - Hated school. Hated studying. Do not want to go to college for ten million years.

Doctor - Ugghh.

Nurse - Unflattering uniforms.

Waitress - Would eat all the food.

Professional people-spotter - Nice idea, but no one would pay me.

Beautician - Bite my nails and wax as rarely as possible. Do not want to see areas of other people's bodies.

Hairdresser - Would not like boss like Leo.

Retail a.s.sistant - Would not like boss like Denise.

Secretary - NEVER AGAIN.

Journalist - Cont spill properly enuff. Ha-ha, should be comedienne.

Comedienne - Reread last joke. Wasn't funny.

Actress - Could not possibly outdo my wonderful performance in the critically acclaimed 'Girls and the City.”

Model - Too small, too fat, too old.

Singer - Rethink idea of comedienne (number 12).

Hotshot businesswoman in control of life - Hmm...Must do research tomorrow...

Holly finally collapsed onto her bed at three in the morning and dreamed of being a big hotshot advertising woman making a presentation in front of a huge conference table on the top floor of a skysc.r.a.per overlooking Grafton Street. Well, he did say aim for the moon...She woke up early that morning excited from her dreams of success, had a quick shower, beautified herself and walked down to her local library to look up jobs on the Internet.

Her heels made a loud noise on the wooden floor as she walked across the room to the librarian's desk, which caused several people to look up from their books and stare at her. She continued clattering across the huge room and her face blushed as she realized everyone was watching her. She slowed down immediately and started to tiptoe so as not to attract any more attention. She felt like one of the cartoon characters on TV that hugely exaggerated their tiptoeing, and her face flared up even more when she realized she must have looked like a complete idiot. A couple of schoolkids dressed in their uniforms who were obviously playing truant for the day sn.i.g.g.e.red together as she made her way past their table. Holly stopped her weird walk halfway between the door and the librarian's desk and tried to decide what to do next.