Part 2 (1/2)

”Oh Leo, I'm sorry. If he has any sense at all he'll realize what he's missing.”

”He mustn't have any sense; we split up two months ago and he hasn't realized it yet. Or else he has and he's delighted. I'm fed up; I've had enough of men. I'm just going to turn straight.”

”Oh Leo, now that's the most stupid thing I've ever heard...”

Holly bounced out of the salon with delight. Without Gerry's presence beside her, a few men looked her way, something that was alien to her and made her feel uncomfortable, so she ran to the safety of her car and prepared herself for her parents' house. So far today was going well. It had been a good move to visit Leo. Even in his heartbreak he worked hard to make her laugh. Holly took note of it.

She pulled up to the curb outside her parents' house in Portmarnock and took a deep breath. To her mother's surprise Holly had called her first thing in the morning to arrange a time to meet up. It was three-thirty now, and Holly sat outside in the car with b.u.t.terflies in her tummy. Apart from the visits her parents had paid to her over the past two months, Holly had barely spent any proper time with her family. She didn't want all the attention directed at her; she didn't want the intrusive questions about how she was feeling and what she was going to do next being fired at her all day. However, it was time to put that fear aside. They were her family.

Her parents' house was situated directly across the road from Portmarnock beach, the blue flag bearing testament to its cleanliness. She parked the car and stared across the road to the sea. She had lived here from the day she was born till the day she moved out to live with Gerry. She had loved waking up to the sound of the sea lapping against the rocks and the excited call of the seagulls. It was wonderful having the beach as your front garden, especially during the summer. Sharon had lived around the corner, and on the hottest days of the year the girls would venture across the road in their summer's best and keep an eye out for the best-looking boys. Holly and Sharon were the complete opposite of each other. Sharon with her brown hair, fair skin and huge chest. Holly with her blond hair, sallow skin and small chest. Sharon would be loud, shouting to the boys and calling them over. Holly would just stay quiet and flirt with her eyes, fixing them on her favorite boy and not moving them till he noticed. Holly and Sharon really hadn't changed all that much since.

She didn't intend to stay long, just to have a little chat and collect the envelope that she had decided could possibly be from Gerry. She was tired of punis.h.i.+ng herself about what could be inside it, so she was determined to end her silent torture of herself. She took a deep breath, rang the doorbell and placed a smile on her face for all to see.

”Hi, love! Come in, come in!” said her mother with the welcoming, loving face that Holly just wanted to kiss every time she saw her.

”Hi, Mum. How are you?” Holly stepped into the house and was comforted by the familiar smell of home. ”You on your own?”

”Yes, your father's out with Declan buying paint for his room.”

”Don't tell me you and Dad are still paying for everything for him?”

”Well, your father might be, but I'm certainly not. He's working nights now so at least he has a bit of pocket money these days. Although we don't see a penny of it being spent on anything for here.” She chuckled and brought Holly to the kitchen, where she put the kettle on.

Declan was Holly's youngest brother and the baby of the family, so her mum and dad still felt like they had to spoil him. If you could see their 'baby': Declan was a twenty-two-year-old child studying film production at college and constantly had a video camera in his hand.

”What job has he got now?”

Her mother rolled her eyes to heaven. ”He's joined some band. The o.r.g.a.s.mic Fish, I think they call themselves, or something like that. I'm sick to death of hearing about it, Holly. If he goes on one more time about who was there at their gigs promising to sign them up and how famous they're going to be, I'll go mad.”

”Ah, poor Deco, don't worry, he'll eventually find something.”

”I know, and it's funny, because of all you darling children, he's the least I worry about. He'll find his way.”

They brought their mugs into the sitting room and settled down in front of the television. ”You look great, love, I love the hair. Do you think Leo would ever do mine for me, or am I too old for his styles?”

”Well, as long as you don't want Jennifer Aniston's hairstyle, you'll have no problems.” Holly explained the story about the woman in the salon and they both rolled around laughing.

”Well, I don't want the Joan Collins look, so I'll just stay clear of him.”

”That might be wise.”

”Any luck with a job yet?” Her mother's voice was casual but Holly could tell she was just dying to know.

”No, not yet, Mum. To be honest I haven't even started looking; I don't quite know what I want to do.”

”You're right,” her mother nodded. ”Take your time and think about what you like, or else you'll end up rus.h.i.+ng into a job you hate, like the last time.” Holly was surprised to hear this. Although her family had always been supportive of her over the years, she found herself moved by the abundance of their love.

The last job Holly had had was working as a secretary for an unforgiving little slimeball in a solicitor's office. She had been forced to leave her job when the little creep failed to understand that she needed time off work to be with her dying husband. Now she had to go looking for a new one. For a new job, that is. At the moment it seemed unimaginable to go to work in the morning.

Holly and her mother relaxed, falling in and out of conversation for a few hours until Holly finally built up the courage to ask for the envelope.

”Oh, of course, love, I completely forgot about it. I hope it's nothing important, it's been there for a long time.”

”I'll find out soon enough.”

They said their good-byes and Holly couldn't get out of the house quickly enough.

Perching herself on the gra.s.s overlooking the golden sand and sea, Holly ran her hands over the envelope. Her mother hadn't described it very well, for it was not an envelope at all but a thick brown package. The address had been typed onto a sticker so she couldn't even guess the origin. And above the address were two words thick and bold - THE LIST.

Her stomach did a little dance. If it wasn't from Gerry, then Holly had to finally accept the fact that he was gone, gone completely from her life, and she had to start thinking about existing without him. If it was from him she would be faced with the same future but at least she could hold on to a fresh memory. A memory that would have to last her a lifetime.

Her trembling fingers gently tore at the seal of the package. She turned it upside down and shook the contents out. Out fell ten separate tiny little envelopes, the kind you would expect to find on a bouquet of flowers, each with a different month written on them. Her heart missed a few beats as she saw the familiar handwriting on a loose page underneath the pile of envelopes.

It was from Gerry.

FIVE.

HOLLY HELD HER BREATH, AND with tears in her eyes and a pounding heart, she read the familiar handwriting knowing that the person who had sat down to write to her would never be able to do so again. She ran her fingers over his words knowing that the last person to have touched the page was him.

My darling Holly I don't know where you are or when exactly you are reading this. I just hope that my letter has found you safe and healthy. You whispered to me not long ago that you couldn't go on alone. You can, Holly.

You are strong and brave and you can get through this. We shared some beautiful times together and you made my life...you made my life. I have no regrets. But I am just a chapter in your life, there will be many more. Remember our wonderful memories, but please don't be afraid to make some more.

Thank you for doing me the honor of being my wife. For everything, I am eternally grateful.

Whenever you need me, know that I am with you.

Love Forever, Your husband and best friend, Gerry PS, I promised a list, so here it is. The following envelopes must be opened exactly when labeled and must be obeyed. And remember, I'm looking out for you, so I will know...

Holly broke down, sadness sweeping over her. Yet she felt relief at the same time; relief that Gerry would somehow continue to be with her for another little while. She leafed through the small white envelopes and searched through the months. It was April now. She had missed March, and so she delicately picked out that envelope. She opened it slowly, wanting to savor every moment. Inside was a small card with Gerry's handwriting on it. It read: Save yourself the bruises and buy yourself a bedside lamp!

PS, I love you...

Her tears turned to laughter as she realized her Gerry was back!

Holly read and reread his letter over and over in an attempt to summon him back to life again. Eventually, when she could no longer see the words through her tears, she looked out to the sea. She had always found the sea so calming, and even as a child she would run across the road to the beach if she was upset and needed to think. Her parents knew that when she went missing from the house they would find her here by the sea.

She closed her eyes and breathed in and out along with the gentle sighing of the waves. It was as though the sea were taking big deep breaths, pulling the water in while it inhaled and pus.h.i.+ng it all back up onto the sand as it exhaled. She continued to breathe along with it and felt her pulse rate slow down as she became calmer. She thought about how she used to lie by Gerry's side during his final days and listen to the sound of his breathing. She had been terrified to leave him to answer the door, to fix him some food or to go to the toilet, just in case that was the time he chose to leave her. When she would return to his bedside she would sit frozen in a terrified silence while she listened for his breathing and watched his chest for any movement.

But he always managed to hang on. He had baffled the doctors with his strength and determination to live; Gerry wasn't prepared to go without a fight. He kept his good humor right up until the end. He was so weak and his voice so quiet, but Holly had learned to understand his new language as a mother does her babbling child just learning to talk. They would giggle together late into the night, and other nights they would hold each other and cry. Holly remained strong for him throughout, as her new job was to be there for him whenever he needed her. Looking back on it, she knew that she needed him more than he needed her. She needed to be needed so she could feel she wasn't just idly standing by, utterly helpless.

On the second of February at four o'clock in the morning, Holly held Gerry's hand tightly and smiled at him encouragingly as he took his last breath and closed his eyes. She didn't want him to be afraid, and she didn't want him to feel that she was afraid, because at that moment she wasn't. She had felt relief, relief that his pain was gone, and relief that she had been there with him to witness the peace of his pa.s.sing. She felt relieved to have known him, to love him and to be loved by him, and relief that the last thing he saw was her face smiling down on him, encouraging him and a.s.suring him it was OK to let go.

The days after that were a blur to her now. She had occupied herself by making the funeral arrangements and by meeting and greeting his relatives and old school friends that she hadn't seen for years. She had remained so solid and calm through it all because she felt that she could finally think clearly. She was just thankful that after months his suffering was over. It didn't occur to her to feel the anger or bitterness that she felt now for the life that had been taken away from her. That feeling didn't arrive until she went to collect her husband's death certificate.