Part 28 (1/2)

”He fulfils some imaginary picture, _hein?_ You had not seen him really until we all dined?”

”No.”

”You were bound to be drawn to him--he is everything a woman could desire--but it was not only that--tell me?”

”He was what I had hoped John would be--the likeness is so great--”

”It is much deeper than that--nature was drawing you unconsciously.”

She covered her face with her hands. It seemed as if Verisschenzko must know the truth. Had Denzil told him, or was it his wonderful intuition which was enlightening him now, or was it just her sensitive conscience?

”You see custom and convention and false shames have so distorted most natural things that no one has been taught to understand them. Men were intended in the scheme of things to love women and to have children; women were meant to love men and to desire to be mothers. These instincts are primordial, the life of the world depends upon them. They have been distorted and abused into sins and vices and excesses and every evil by civilisation, so that now we rule them out of every calculation in judging of a circ.u.mstance; if we are 'nice' people they are taboo.

Supposing we so suppressed and distorted and misused the other two primitive instincts, to obtain food and to kill one's enemy, the world would have ended long ago. We have done what we could to distort those also, but nothing to the extent to which we have debased the n.o.bility of the recreative instinct!”

Amaryllis listened attentively, and he went on:

”It is admitted that we require food to live--and that if we are threatened with death from an enemy we have the right to kill him in self-defence. But it is never admitted that it is equally natural that we desire to recreate our species. Under certain circ.u.mstances of vows and restrictions, we are permitted to take one partner for life--and--if this person turns out to be a fraud for the purpose for which we made the promise, we may not have another. Supposing hungry savages were given covered dishes purporting to contain food, and upon lifting the cover one of them discovered his dish was empty--what would happen? He would bear it as long as he could, but when he was starving he would certainly try to steal some food from his neighbour--and might even knock him on the head and obtain it! Civilisation has controlled primitive instincts, so that a civilised man might perhaps prefer to die himself from starvation rather than kill or steal. He is master of his actions, _but he is not master of the effects of his abstinence--Nature wins these,_ and whatever would be the natural physical result of his abstinence occurs. Now you can reason this thought out in all its branches, and you will see where it leads to--”

Amaryllis mused for some moments--and she saw the justice of his reflections.

”But for hundreds of years there have been priests and nuns and companies of ascetics,” she remarked tentatively.

”There have been hundreds of lunatics also--and madness is not on the decrease. When you destroy nature you always produce the abnormal, when life survives from your treatment.”

”You think that it is natural that one should have a mate then?”--she hesitated.

”Absolutely.”

”It is more important than the keeping of vows?”

”No, the spirit is degraded by the knowledge of broken vows--only one must have intelligence to realise what the price of keeping them will be, and then summon strength enough to carry out whatever course is best for the soul, or best for the ideal one is living for. Sometimes that end requires ruthlessness, and sometimes that end requires that we starve in one way or another, so _we must_ be prepared for sacrifice perhaps of life, or what makes life worth living, if we are strong enough to keep vows which we have been short-sighted enough to make too hastily.”

Amaryllis gazed in front of her--then she asked softly:

”Do you think it is wicked of me to be thinking of Denzil--not John?”

”No--it is quite natural--the wickedness would be if you pretended to John that you were thinking of him. Deception is wickedness.”

”Everything is so sad now. Both have gone to fight. I do not dare to think at all.”

”Yes, you must think--you must think of your child and draw to it all the good forces, so that it may come to life unhampered by any weakness of balance in you. That must be your constant self-discipline. Keep serene and try to live in a world of n.o.ble ideals and serenity. Now I am going to play to you--”

Amaryllis had never heard Verisschenzko play. He arranged the sofa cus.h.i.+ons and made her lie comfortably among them, then he went to the piano--and presently it seemed to her that her soul was floating upward into realms of perfect content. She had never even dreamed of such playing. It was like nothing she had ever heard before, the sounds touched all the highest chords in her spirit. She did not ask whose was the music. She seemed to know that it was Verisschenzko's own, which was just talking to her, telling her to be calm and brave and true.

He played for a whole hour--and at last softly and yet more softly, and when he finished he saw that she was quietly asleep.

A smile as tender as a mother's came into his rugged face, and he stole from the room noiselessly, breathing a blessing as he pa.s.sed.