142 The end of a dream 4 (2/2)
And to no one's surprise, nothing happened, nothing at all. My sister looked at these people with great interest in her mind, this must have been the exact way I looked back then. Yet, the fundamental difference between her and me became clear after she spoke to me in a loud and crisp voice.
” Brother, why are you showing me these pitiful things?” There was a tinge of disgust in her voice. My sister was not like me, she was just like anyone else. My upbringing was not the problem, the problem was me.
With even my last hope crushed, I just abandoned my sister and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. What did that dying men have, what I lacked? Why did he get to feel emotions, while I did not?
I felt jealous of a dead man. The absurdity of the situation was not something I wanted to accept.
The first emotion I was conscious about was envy aimed at a corpse. Instead of becoming normal as I hoped I became only more abnormal. Because this was as far from being normal as one could be. Everything I had done, all the things I lost and in the end, I ended up even further from my goal when I started.
But my attempt at running away from my troubles had the same closure as my first trip and I was caught yet again. Further scolding ensued and since the expectations aimed at me had dropped significantly, they did not even ask for an explanation. They just declared me guilty and moved on.
From that moment onwards the contact to my sister was severely restricted as well and a guard was assigned to me to keep watch and prevent me from trying something ”stupid” once more. This job was an easy way to make money, as I did not even leave the confide out of my house anymore.
Since my previous effort was a complete waste of time, I decided to observe the others, listen to everything they said. I tried to categorize the different emotions they must have felt and searched for the different patterns, which must have caused it.
This behaviour did not go unnoticed and the rumours started to spread once more. Sadly even these rumours did not cause any emotion me. My mother raising her hand was also not enough. Nothing was ever enough.
Yet my desire to be normal never truly disappeared amidst all of my failures. I had the proof that I am capable of feelings right beside me, but why could I not feel any other? The solution is more than obvious if I can not feel anything about the others than they never mattered to me in the first place.
Familiar bonds have no influence over me. If I want to feel emotions, I need more and stronger simulation. My father and my mother and even my sister are just not enough for that. It wasn't because my sister didn't try. She really put a lot of effort into making my life miserable though.
Whatever her motivation truly was, I did not particularly care. Whether she wanted to exert her power over others as desperately as her mother or something entirely else. All of her efforts may have permanently altered my surroundings and the relationship to my family but that was it. Not even she could give me the one thing I desired.
The memory of the dying men burst like a bubble and disappeared. My sister had been replaced by someone I was all too familiar with. I was looking at myself from the former world.
” A world full of magic and you were happy, so happy, but this is not what you are after. You want to feel genuine emotions, not ones that are made up by yourself. Even if it is a perfect dream, you have to wake up to enjoy the reality.”
Yes, seems like I forgot myself while I thought to live a ”normal” life albeit in a magical world. Otherwise, I would have noticed sooner, that this was too good to be true. I do not want to live in the confines of my own mind. What I want is to experience something real something palpable.
I had long forgotten about the fight that was currently taking place with my body. Those details were not important to me anymore. I focussed on all the logical inconsistences I had found and told myself over and over again, that all of this was nothing more than a dream.
The space inside of me began to rumble and to disintegrate slowly. Yet the Moirai in front of me just continued to stare at me with great expectations in his eyes. This entire development was not something I would consider logical, but the entire situation was something I could not comprehend.
Although I found it hard to believe, that my subconscious would directly talk to me and tell me to wake up. Although in comparison to the mere thought that all of this had been nothing more than an illusion it seems more believable.
I did not even feel anger at whoever had done this to me. He or she had rekindled my desire to feel emotions again. Being satisfied by a mere imitation should never be enough for me and my ambition.
One might assume, that after being deceived and being lied to for such a long time a lot of anger and frustration might be felt, but I felt thoroughly thankful. An emotion that was still foreign to me. I wanted to explore this new feeling and try to savour its impression it left behind in my mind and body.
It was liberating to finally feel something like this and all it took was a trip to a foreign world and living a lie for several months. Achieving new emotions would not get any easier than this, but I was up for the task.
The space inside of my mind had been thoroughly destroyed and right now it was pitch black. The only thing left in front of me was Moirai and the chair he sat upon. I found myself surrounded by a darkness that had engulfed everything beside me and the other Moirai.
The other Moirai gave me a casual nod before he jumped into the black night and disappeared in it. I thought about following his footsteps but decided against it, after contemplating about it for a while. I am sad on the chair that was left behind and stared into the black night.
I looked into it and say nothing, nothing at all. My eyes never got used to its sight and I was stranded in it. After my previous world view had been thoroughly destroyed I found myself in this strange world.
I tried to feel my limbs and body but that was to no avail and I was still stuck in this sheer endless void. The only thing I could do to keep myself busy was using my imagination to do various things, I used it to imagine myself fighting someone else or seeing the magic with my own eyes. Yet another Moirai who talked back to me never appeared.
Although I could imagine all of this I never could do so myself. All I could do on the other hand was merely observing these things from a safe distance. The time passed slowly and I watched a myriad of things.
Every time I tried to interact with the darkness in any other way without using my imagination, I was promptly repelled by it. I tried over and over again but the result remained always the same. Since I had a lot of free time in my hand I began to think about possible solutions. First and foremost I decided on finding out some information about my current predicament.
But after a long time, or it might have been a short time as well, the darkness suddenly dissipated and what was left behind was the exact same thing but this time around in white. I gave up on trying to find a logical explanation for the time being and just took it all in.
My perfect dream had come to an end, so spending some time in an environment like this was not an issue to me. It was only about when and how I would finally wake up. Though I had no idea just how soon this event would come true.