132 The interview 2 (1/2)
” WAS HAST DU DIR DABEI GEDACHT?”
” WARUM KANNST DU NICHT SEIN WIE DEINE SCHWESTER?”
” WAS SOLLEN DIE ANDEREN BLOß DENKEN?”
” WAS HABEN WIR FALSCH GEMACHT DASS DU SO BIST WIE DU BIST?”
Dieses Gefühl der bitteren Enttäuschung, die blinde Wut, der verletzte Stolz, das alles kumuliert in diesem kalten Gesicht das keine Gefühlsregung zulässt. Dieses gleichgülitge Gesicht war mir nur all zu bekannt, den es gehörte zu der Person die ich meinen Vater nenne.
Irgendwann jedoch wurde selbst dieses Geschrei durch apthatische Kommentare ersetzt. Diese Akzeptanz war viel verletztender als jeder Wutanfall oder jeder Zweifel. Wie immer habe ich diese Details versucht auszublenden und einfach so getan als würde ich über den Dingen stehen.
Alles das während ich im Inneren still und heimlich gelitten habe, aber selbst das wollte ich nie einsehen. Alle diese Fragen und Kommentare waren nichts anderes als ein Verhör denen ich Antwort stehen musste.
Zu behaupten ich wäre unschuldig an der Sache wäre mehr als realitätsfremd, aber irgendwie finde ich die Umstände die dazu geführt eher belustigend. Meine Herangensweise hat die Situations eher verschlimmert und dabei hab ich mich doch so schlau gefühlt. Jung und töricht und scheinbar hat sich das noch immer nicht geändert.
Nun bin ich hier auf gefangen in einer Welt die ich nicht verstehe und verhalte mich so als ob das genaue Gegenteil der Fall wäre. All mein Wissen nützt mir wenig, wenn ich nicht mehr als ein Spielstein sein kann.
Es ist schwierig Ambition jeglicher Art zu entwickeln, wenn die Guiliotine bedrohlich über deinem Haupt ruht. Auch wenn ich gerne reflektiere und Dinge unterdrücke, die mich belasten, so war ich doch im Grunde meines Herzens ein Realist.
Und nun war in meiner Realität kein Platz für Heldentum, kein Prinzen und Prinzessinen gehörten in diese. Ich bin nur eine Seele die nicht in diese Welt gehört. Nun, dass soll aber nicht heißen, dass diese Umstände mir diktieren wie oder wie ich micht verhalten habe.
Wenn Sie mich loswerden wollen, dann kann ich das vollends nachvollziehen, das heißt aber nicht das ich lautlos verschwinden werde. Ne, ein bisschen Spaß muss sein, dass habe ich mir nach all der Maskerade verdient.
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WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”
” WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE YOUR SISTER?”
” WHAT SHOULD THE OTHERS THINK?”
” WHAT HAVE WE DONE WRONG TO MAKE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE?”
This feeling of bitter disappointment, the blind rage, the hurt pride, all of this accumulates in this cold face that does not allow any emotion. This indifferent face was all too familiar to me since it belonged to the person I call my father.
At some point, however, even this shouting was replaced by apathetic comments. This acceptance was much more hurtful than any tantrum or doubt. As always, I tried to hide these details and just pretended to be above it all.
All this while suffering silently and secretly inside, but even that I never wanted to admit. All these questions and comments were nothing more than an interrogation to which I had to answer.
To claim that I was innocent of the matter would be more than unrealistic, but somehow I find the circumstances that led to it rather amusing. My approach made the situation worse and yet I felt so smart. Young and foolish and apparently that hasn't changed yet.
Now here I am trapped in a world I don't understand and act as if the exact opposite is true. All my knowledge is of little use to me if I cannot be more than a token.
It is difficult to develop ambition of any kind when the guillotine rests menacingly over your head. Even though I like to reflect and suppress things that bother me, I was a realist at heart.
And now there was no place for heroism in my reality, no prince and princesses belonged in it. I am just a soul that does not belong in this world. Well, that is not to say that these circumstances dictate how I should behave.
If they want me to disappear, I completely understand it. That doesn't mean I'll go quietly. No, I deserve a little fun after all the masquerade.
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” What was that feeling of rage that I felt inside of you?”
It was nothing more than a bad memory, something I wish I could have forgotten about by now.
” It felt like you were out for blood.” said my Tennant faking concern, in the end, it did not truly care about my mood, it was just another thing to keep him entertained. Just as usual he just did whatever it wanted to.
” You seem awfully moody today, you are going to scare the poor player if you are that happy.” Oh yes, I am so concerned about my public image, with the Observer translating my language I will be so worried about getting my points across.
As long as I do not rip out his vocal cords or act unreasonably I can say and do whatever I want. I am just the tool used in this case, so that the ego of these little guy does not get hurt, because they are unable to use their brain cells for anything other than murdering monsters with their magic.
I am just here to play my part and that's it. How the Observer chooses to depict me and what his true intentions are, is not something I should concern myself with. If it has other plans for me, I am sure I will learn about them sooner or later anyway.
So what if I am moody or have a bad temper? Does it really matter? As long as I smile when I give the interview no one is really going to care. The ideal master who teaches players, that they can have my strength by simple doing push-ups. Is it not fantastic, that the Observer has managed to create that image simply by twisting my words so that these fools would adore me?
Everything in this world is laid out by Observer, whether it is my fate or the fate of a player, I will not even bother trying to pretend it would be any other way. So please spare me from any moral wisdom, because my perspective on this entire situation will not change.
”It is not like your circumstances have been any different beforehand, so why are you this emotional just now?”
It is an easy way to vent my frustrations and the stress that has built up over all the time, without having to worry about anything. So what's wrong if I throw around some insults or anything that would cause me some relief?
Oh no, the scary human is acting differently than usual, he must be plotting to overthrow the world and rule it with an iron fist. He will kill the young and old alike and his victim will never be able to rest as they suffer for all eternity.
Yeah, the human without magic will be the end for the world as we know it. If you are not careful he is going to throw insults at you, how can anyone bear something like this? He might even give you a stern glance and there is nothing anyone can do against it.
You see, you will have to watch out for any human you might encounter, I have heard they even swallow children whole for the sake of their entertainment.
Can we just continue without all of that suspicion and conspiracies? I am just here to present myself to the audience and help these players over their lack of functioning brain cells. There are no schemes and no plans, I only want to answer these questions and be done with it.
I have tried to scheme, I have tried to lay out traps but it is only due to will of the Observer that I am still alive. Until I find a method to circumvent the influence of the Observer I have no other choice than to follow the script.