Part 17 (2/2)

'What is it? asked Mrs Crisp, a little more unfocused than she usually was at this time of day and clutching her security tea towel.

'Its a dog? said Kevin, doubtfully.

'Are you all right in there, Jenny? You got b.u.mped about a bit.

'Yes, I said. 'Dont worry about me. Stay with her in case shes frightened.

A car beeped in the lane and Andrew arrived. I had hoped Tanya might be with him, but he was alone. He crossed the yard and stood in front of Russell.

'Its a donkey, he said at last.

'Good to see all those years at vet school have paid off, said Russell. 'We lesser mortals were thinking it was a giant rabbit.

Andrew looked around. 'Wheres Jenny? You havent swapped her for a donkey, have you?

'Im here, I said from the back. 'Im just a bit stiff and I cant get out.

Kevin gave me a hand and I tumbled gracelessly from the back of the Rover. 'Good morning, Andrew. Thank you for coming.

'You know, youre much too good for Russell. Hes never thanked anyone for coming in his life.

'Well, I have, but possibly in a completely different context. I dont want to rush anyone, but although theres not very much of her, Id like to put her down soon. And shes sucking my jacket again.

'Dont let her do that donkey digestion is quite fragile.

Before anyone could move, however, she twisted her head, batted huge eyelashes at Russell, and widdled all down his front.

'Oh, thats a good sign, said Andrew. 'Her kidneys are working. Kevin, can you put a few inches of warm water in a bucket for her, please. Dont fill it up. I dont want her to have too much too quickly.

'No, said Russell, grimly surveying his ex-trousers. 'We wouldnt want to overload her already fully functioning bladder.

'Lets get her inside, then.

We all trailed into the stables.

Russell put her down gently in the stall next to Boxer. She stood with all her legs at different angles, looking around her.

Andrew followed him in. 'Have you ever noticed, Russ, sooner or later, all your women end up p.i.s.sing on you from a great height? Although not usually this soon into your relations.h.i.+p.

'Just see to the donkey, will you? Thats why youre here.

'No, Im here for a free lunch, if the wonderful Jenny will have me.

'Its got nothing to do with Jenny. Im the head of the household. I make the decisions here.

I spoke up. 'Andrew, please stay for lunch.

'Thank you, Jenny. Id love to. He was crouched low, peering at her feet. 'Wheres our neurotic nit-wit this morning?

'Next door, breaking his neck trying to see whats going on. Do you want me to take him out? Give her a bit of peace?

'No, donkeys are herd animals. She may find his presence rea.s.suring.

'Are you sure? Hes not Brain of Britain, you know. Its very likely shes much brighter than he is.

'Russell, there are single-celled organisms that are brighter than your horse. Can you open the part.i.tion? Gently. We dont want to frighten her.

The result was not at all what we expected. We stepped back and she and Boxer got their first look at each other.

It was love at first sight. He stretched his neck towards her, blowing gently. She struggled to take a few steps, tottering like a cross between baby Bambi and Shaun the Sheep. She lifted her head to him, peering through those huge eyelashes, like Marilyn Monroe. Rachmaninov played in the background. Somewhere, a bluebird sang.

'Oh, said Mrs Crisp. 'How sweet.

We all said, 'Aaaaah. It was a magical moment.

She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes. Her whole body inflated. She braced her spindly legs.

'Oh-oh, said Thomas. 'Incoming.

I always thought donkeys said, 'Hee-haw. Thats how you always see it written. Nice and neat. And brief. Hee-haw.

Wrong. Our donkey goes: 'EEEEEEEAAAAAWWWOOOOAARGGHHH, pauses briefly for the echoes to die away and then continues with: 'EEEEEEEEEAAAAAWWWWWEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAWWWWWOOOOORRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH, tailing away to a ghastly bubbling groan like a belligerent c.o.c.kerel having its throat cut. And it was loud. Good G.o.d, was it loud. Birds fell from the trees. The windows rattled. A low-flying jet did a quick U-turn and returned to base to complain about the noise.

'Good grief!

'b.l.o.o.d.y Nora, said Andrew. 'What the h.e.l.l have you unleashed on the world now, Russ?

Russell regarded his cousin indignantly. 'You could have warned us.

'How the h.e.l.l was I supposed to know she sounded like the Texas Chain Saw Ma.s.sacre? How can such a tiny thing produce so much noise? Is everyone all right?

'I think my ears are bleeding, said Russell.

'No one cares about you. You brought her here. This is all your fault.

'You cant blame me for this. It was Jennys idea to go to Rushby.

They both turned to look at me.

'You mean you abandoned your wifes lovely day out to cover her with donkey slime?

It was true. I was covered in the many body fluids a sick and frightened donkey can produce in what it perceives as a crisis. Never mind Russells jacket. They were going to have to send me to the cleaners as well.

Andrew became business-like, unfastening his case. 'Russell, you can stay. Everyone else leave now please, so I can have a good look at her.

We trailed out. Mrs Crisp made me stand on a newspaper while she helped me off with my coat, which had borne the worst of it. The rest of me wasnt too bad.

<script>